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Raj called me again tonight! He's going out of town this weekend to California. He said to visit a "friend" and his cousins. I'm wondering if he has a girl out there? I'm trying really hard to be nonchalant with him because I don't want him to think he's got me wrapped around his finger.

He said he wanted to touch base because he was going out of town and that he would call when he got back. I acted very casual and told him to have a nice time! Even though I really do think I could fall hard for him, I'm going to appear as casual and nonchalant as possible.

We both decided on the ground rules from the beginning, so I can't expect him to be anything but a "friend with benefits". It's going to be a huge challenge for me to be casual with him (and sleep with him). But I want to see if I can do it. I have done this with another man when I was younger, and he ended up wanting to make a commitment, so I know it can and does happen (if I can keep my cool).

So, as long as I know what I'm getting into here, I think I'm going to wing it and see what might become of this "friend with benefits" type relationship.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to meet new men and not always be available when Raj calls, especially if he doesn't call ahead of time for a date.
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]Raj called me again tonight! He's going out of town this weekend to California. He said to visit a "friend" and his cousins. I'm wondering if he has a girl out there? I'm trying really hard to be nonchalant with him because I don't want him to think he's got me wrapped around his finger.

He said he wanted to touch base because he was going out of town and that he would call when he got back. I acted very casual and told him to have a nice time! Even though I really do think I could fall hard for him, I'm going to appear as casual and nonchalant as possible.

We both decided on the ground rules from the beginning, so I can't expect him to be anything but a "friend with benefits". It's going to be a huge challenge for me to be casual with him (and sleep with him). But I want to see if I can do it. I have done this with another man when I was younger, and he ended up wanting to make a commitment, so I know it can and does happen (if I can keep my cool).

So, as long as I know what I'm getting into here, I think I'm going to wing it and see what might become of this "friend with benefits" type relationship.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to meet new men and not always be available when Raj calls, especially if he doesn't call ahead of time for a date.[/QUOTE]

Good plan, Ge! And it's especially encouraging that this guy already called twice, despite proclaiming to only want a casual thing! Just keep your cool and you never know. Don't worry about him having anyone in CA, first of all, it's way too far from where you are, and second of all, it's very probable he has some friends there and is telling you the truth. I'm excited for you, keep us updated, ok?
YOu do make some excellent points, Goody, as usual. What I put in my profile is a "friend with benefits type thing to start with" and then if it turned into something more, that would be even better. His profile said the same thing: that he was open to something long term if the chemistry was right, but that he wasn't specifically looking for long term.

I"ve told him several times how much I like him, so I don't see why he is so hesitant to come out and makes plans to see me. Now, I did have a cold that I didn't want him to catch and he was thinking maybe we should wait until I felt better. So, I think it's a possibility that's why he is hesitant. He felt really bad when he found out that I had gotten his cold. He's a very nice man and has a professional career as a dentist. He's been divorced for five years.

When I first met him, he asked me what I was looking for. I said maybe a "friend with benefits" thing for now and he said he was looking for the same thing. However, I think if I do start getting too attached, I will have to let him know. I'm not really "too attached" just yet and we are still in the "friend with benefits" area at this time. I have entered into this whole thing with my eyes wide open. I have heard pros and cons of having this type of relationship. Sometimes it does turn into something more and sometimes someone gets hurt. Usually, at least one person ends up getting attached, and yes, it's usually the woman. From what I have seen so far, since he is calling and emailing almost every day, I think this relationship could possibly turn into something more. But, [B]I am not counting on it. That's the key here.[/B]

I'm going to return his call at lunch today. I don't regret meeting him or sleeping with him at this point. If it gets to the point where I feel I am putting my heart at risk, then I will open the lines of communication and let him know I want more. Right now, I'm not at that point.

But, thank you for the advice.
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]Okay.....wooooooooo.....got back just in time. GE, I need to ask you something??? What do YOU want??? You are throwing around soooo many mixed signals....by saying in your profile that you are looking for a FWB that's what other people are reading. If that was in your profile and you slept with Raj on the first date that is what he is perceiving this relatonship to be. (That is until you say or do something differently) If you didn't have that in your profile then the relationship could be anything you want it to be.

I do not mean to be crass or cause you any upsetment but you can't say one thing and expect another. :nono: I know you like Raj and you are looking for something that will last, but unless you give him a signal in verbal or action form that you are not a FWB material he is going to go by what he read and what he saw in action on your first date. Am I wrong??? I mean "friends with benefits" will definitely call and email and do all the things that Raj is doing now....even send you an erotic email....right??? :confused:

Okay....so your instincts are to back off as almost to tell him that you are not a FWB type...is that what you are after here???

I just don't understand your putting something in your profile that is not what you are after. It probably would be more to your advantage to leave the long term relationship out and just say that you are into dating and having fun....out there looking for the one who complements you and such. The FWB is giving mixed signals both ways and is something that will be pretty difficult to clear up. I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from. Seems like you are sooo afraid of getting hurt and yet setting yourself up to be hurt big time. I just don't want that to happen to you as most of us here don't want to see. You can't say one thing and then expect another.....that's all I'm trying to say.

Now as far as not calling....I guess I can see the logic but it might even be better for you to tell Raj about your misrepresentation in your profile....I know, not an easy thing to do...but how welse are you ever going to clear this up???

(((((HUGS)))))) ~ Goody :angel:[/QUOTE]

First and foremost, let me get one thing straight here. I am not necessarily looking for something that will last. As far as I'm concerned, there is simply no relationship that lasts forever. People die, people get divorced, people leave, and people get left. What I AM LOOKING FOR IS PASSION.

I'm looking for a stormy, lusty, passionate love affair for now. If it turns into something long term, then great. If not, that's all right too.

Goody, I know you mean well, but everyone is different and everyone has different needs. I want to see what becomes of this thing I started with Raj. And I think he does too. I know he CURRENTLY views the relationship as a "friend with benefits" one. But that doesn't necessarily mean he would never want it to be something more. Like I said earlier, I am not expecting anything long term to become of this. Just an exciting affair!

I am not really sure if I want to even get married now at my age. Most of the men my age who want marriage are not appealing to me. I can't be happy with a man I am not attracted to physically and mentally.

So, I have chosen to get the passion I want and need and not worry about the future for now.
I can't believe how I misjudged Raj! I feel so stupid. I knew the minute I walked in his house it wasn't going to work out. First of all, he had the ball game on and was very intent on that (after I drove all the way over to his house to be with him). Then, when where there was a commercial, we started getting into it and did get intimate. It was even better than the last time, except for one difference. AFterward, he got up and went back down to watch the game! This man did not even try to talk to me or get to know me at all.

Now, at least I know what I don't want. I wouldn't have minded if he would have at least tried to be a "friend" with "benefits", but he wasn't even that! The only thing good about him was the "benefits". OH, well, live and learn. I have no desire at all to be with him again.

Everyone was right: if I put "FWB" in my profile I will attract the wrong type of man. Now I know. I guess I thought it was worth a shot.

So, anyway, I got up around 10:30 p.m. and told him I had to go home. He said well, thanks a lot for coming over, "can I have a kiss goodbye"?

Geeze, what is this guy's problem? I think this man has serious intimacy issues. I look around at his beautiful home and it looks like a home you would see in "House Beautiful", yet he has no one to share it with. I suddently felt very sorry for him. How lonely he must be!

One thing I am very thankful for--I am getting closer to knowing exactly what I want now and it's not a "FWB" relationship!
[QUOTE=stacykgb20]..........I am really worried about you that it's a struggle to stay off that site now that you know you aren't going to be content with a purely physical fling. By continuing to talk to and date anyone who is only seeking casual sex, including and perhaps even especially Raj, I'm very concerned that you are setting up a nearly impossible challenge for yourself and stacking the deck against you so you run a frighteningly high risk of being seriously let down and hurt. I really don't believe in giving someone a second chance to disappoint you except if he realizes how badly he messed up and begs for another chance while bombarding you with apologetic words and gestures.

You deserve a guy who wants what you want and should never have to settle or compromise what you're looking for in order to make things work with ANY man--any guy who's worthy of you will be happy to build a relationship according to your very reasonable, mature terms.[/QUOTE]

GE ~ I couldn't agree more with what Stacy says!!!! You are gettting caught up in the passion of everything and not even listening to your own voice of reasoning. Look at how you felt last time you Raj were together and it was all about sex!!! You felt just awful and I know that you are looking for sooo much more than just passion & sex!!! You are not the type that can separate yourself from having a man's respect as well as the passion that you need. Sure Raj wants you....he wants your sex as George Michael would say :D And you want his too but you NEED more than that. And we are afraid that you are not going to get that from Raj or anyone that frequents that intimate site. You are lowering your standards way too much, GE. Listen to your voice of reason yesterday.....

[QUOTE=Greeneyes]It was even better than the last time, except for one difference. AFterward, he got up and went back down to watch the game! This man did not even try to talk to me or get to know me at all.

Now, at least I know what I don't want. I wouldn't have minded if he would have at least tried to be a "friend" with "benefits", but he wasn't even that! The only thing good about him was the "benefits". OH, well, live and learn. I have no desire at all to be with him again.

I have several other prospects and one guy wrote me back who is very attractive and said he is interested in an ongoing relationship. From now on, I'm going to make it clear upfront that I want something ongoing, not a one nighter and not casual sex.[/QUOTE]

You know what you want...you want somebody who is interested in more than your body, somebody who likes what you are and who you wasnt to be. Somebody who also shares your passion and is more than a booty call. You want a man who will challenge you and yet show you mutual respect and caring. But you will not get that unless you show the same towards yourself. It all begins with you, GE, and making sure that you do not lower your standards as a way of protecting your self from getting hurt. The way you are going about it you WILL be hurt and disappointed. Your friends here are only trying to help you stay true to yourself.

I read a quote on my box of cereal this morning[B]..."Your success & happiness lie in you......Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties."[/B] (BTW....Helen Keller wrote that one ;) She was not so blind when it came to seeing life, was she :D Sometimes we who are gifted with sight can be so blind, myself included :rolleyes:

I say reread your posts from yesterday morning and the way that you felt after seeing Raj. To go back is only giving him a clear signal that you are willing to lower your standards and you shouldn't be willing to do such a thing that only leads to further pain in your life....it may be a moment of pleasure but it will be days, perhaps weeks of pain. Be careful GE.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody :angel:





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