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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


How did everyone's weekends turn out? For what it's worth, Sophia, I agree with GG that there's no need to rule out Steve at this point as long as you still see some potential in him. It doesn't sound like he's been deliberately rude or neglectful--to me it definitely sounds like he's into you, so why not give it a little more time and see how things turn out? I think Realguy makes a good point, one I guess I've been struggling with myself. It seems like it's tough to find a balance between giving someone a fair chance and not wasting time with someone you know isn't the right person for you...and I guess it also varies depending on how eager you are to find a partner, how much you like or dislike a potential match, how busy you are, what other prospects are available, etc. I'd be very interested to hear how you guys go about evaluating when someone is worthy of more of your time and of getting to know better and when it's time to call it quits and move on. When in doubt, it seems to me to make sense to give a prospect another chance, as people don't always act normally when they are dating and/or just starting to get to know someone, especially if they like the person (which usually makes one nervous). I think that's what's going on with Steve, Sophia--I bet he's really impressed and infatuated with you and doesn't know quite how to behave, what pleases you and what turns you off, how to show you he likes you without coming on too strong, etc. I think you're best off being honest with him like you were about the smooches and make sure not to assume that he knows any better when he does or fails to do something that rubs you the wrong way. It's not about training him for future girls if things don't work out but more about training him for yourself by teaching him what impresses you and what's important to you along with what's not. To me, he sounds like a pretty sweet, occasionally bumbling and clueless guy who nonetheless tries hard and seems to be pretty reliable so far. That would appeal to me especially if he was intellectually and physically attractive--how do you feel about him? How much more time would you be willing to spend on him if he didn't win you over yet or soon?

I'm kind of wondering that myself about this guy I've seen about three times. I like him, he's sweet and smart and cute and a good kisser, but I'm not totally bowled over by him. I'm impressed by a lot of things about him and we have really interesting conversations especially once we warm up to each other--how do I know if it's worth spending more time with him or if I should cut my losses, figuring that I'd already be blown away if it was going to happen? I don't want to waste time with someone when I could be getting to know someone who'd be a better match for me, but I also don't want to write off anyone prematurely, especially when the person is pretty shy, reserved, and probably takes a while to fully emerge from his shell when getting to know someone new. It's a tough call...anyway, that guy is still in the picture for now, though I need to call him soon if he's going to stay that way. I'm a little torn after a great date I had last night even though I'm more than happy to date multiple guys and not at all in a rush to choose just one. The guy I met last night was really cute, smart, and successful. We had a lot of fun and when I drank a little too much, he drove more than an hour roundtrip out of his way to bring me home, which was really sweet. I didn't want the night to end and was getting anxious to hook up with someone hot, so I invited him to stay over, which turned out to be a great idea. I'm not at all conservative or traditional when it comes to sex but you never know, so I wasn't really sure if I'd hear from him again (particularly because I got the dreaded, "Give me a call sometime" when he left this morning), but I was pleasantly surprised when he called tonight just to chat, see how I was doing and if I got my car back, etc. and also to say he'd had a really great time. Since I like him a lot, I was pretty happy about that and hope he stays in the picture at least for the time being...is it wrong that I don't see that as in any way conflicting with dating this other guy or continuing to date more new guys? And does anyone have any advice about how I can tell when it's no longer worth taking more time to get to know someone? Thanks--I hope you all had a great weekend :).
Sophia, I know how you are feeling because I went through a period in my life where I felt I could not trust my own judgment. Once you get burned the way you have, it makes it that much harder. You have to really want to work at getting better about this. I still think the fact that your ex keeps trying to stay in touch and what you have just said in your last post means something. You are both just being stubborn! I see a grand love story in the making. I know I am always the eternal optimist! But maybe that's why you can't feel connected with someone else--have you ever considered that? Something inside you is telling you that it's not quite over with your ex in Europe.

Has he gotten in touch with you? I know he is probably feeling some of the same feelings you are. The fights that you have are not below the belt, but to me signify an enormous amount of feeling between you two. People that never fight don't care about one another; they don't get mad because they simply don't care one way or the other.

Listen to your heart. What harm would it do to drop a quick email to your ex in Europe? What have you got to lose? IN my own heart, I really think the guy is in love with you!
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]Sophia, I know how you are feeling because I went through a period in my life where I felt I could not trust my own judgment. Once you get burned the way you have, it makes it that much harder. You have to really want to work at getting better about this. I still think the fact that your ex keeps trying to stay in touch and what you have just said in your last post means something. You are both just being stubborn! I see a grand love story in the making. I know I am always the eternal optimist! But maybe that's why you can't feel connected with someone else--have you ever considered that? Something inside you is telling you that it's not quite over with your ex in Europe.

Has he gotten in touch with you? I know he is probably feeling some of the same feelings you are. The fights that you have are not below the belt, but to me signify an enormous amount of feeling between you two. People that never fight don't care about one another; they don't get mad because they simply don't care one way or the other.

Listen to your heart. What harm would it do to drop a quick email to your ex in Europe? What have you got to lose? IN my own heart, I really think the guy is in love with you![/QUOTE]

GE, no, he hasn't tried to get in touch with me. It's been almost two months. The last time I spoke to him, he hung up on me, which made me soo mad! I hate him for doing this to me. That was our last conversation on the day he was supposed to leave and I called to wish him a good flight. I have no way of getting in touch with him; he left me no contact info. It's possible that sooner or later he will call me, but I just don't know. It's all up to him. On the other hand, I feel like he is just hurting me. How could he put me through all this uncertainty, pain and anxiety if he truly loved me? I just want to forget about him and I wish I could.
Hi everyone,

You guys give such great advice--I don't know why you wouldn't think you don't, Rose! I've agreed completely with almost everything you've ever said and I'm often very impressed with your insights and sensitivity. And HIT, you make an excellent point...it's not necessarily a bad thing to let things develop a little slower than I'm used to, because I think some of my past relationships have gotten too intense and serious too quickly which caused problems later. As far as the guy I've been seeing for awhile, I'm definitely not spending a lot of time thinking about him and anticipating when I see him next, as he's a bit bland and I forgot to call him for awhile. I sent him an email last night saying I'd be up for getting together again (he'd called before last weekend to see if I wanted to go out then), so I'll see what he says...I think it's worth going on at least one more date before I decide anything one way or another, but maybe he'll be frustrated with me being hard to reach and make the decision for me.

As for the guy I saw over the weekend who spent the night, I'm really glad that happened--it was quite a night! I have a really high sex drive and need to fool around every so often, so it was good timing, and I'm with you, GE, that any guy who's going to be judgmental and have a prudish, conservative double standard about women who get physical quickly isn't worth our time. I don't get attached emotionally when I'm physical with a guy, so I figure that as long as I'm safe and generally avoid going all the way, it's all in good fun and pretty satisfying for me. I'm not so sure about sleeping with more than one guy at a time, though it does feel deliciously naughty and fun in the right circumstances...I'll just wait and see how things go. I do know that ever since I was a little girl, I've been excited to sexually experience a wide variety of men, and I definitely don't want to deny myself more opportunities by settling down with just one guy any time soon. It's not like I'm lacking for experience now, but the one thing that nagged me when I was with exes was the thought of never sleeping with any other guys if we were to stay together permanently, which made me realize I'm too young for that kind of committment.

Anyway, I agree with you, GE, that hooking up soon after starting to date doesn't necessarily preclude a relationship, as I've had and seen too many examples to the contrary. I've never really understood why some people are willing to get seriously involved with people before ensuring that they'll have a good sex life--to me, that's just absolutely essential and the only way to know for sure is to experiment, but I guess it's not a wise idea for people who can't help but get emotionally attached to people with whom they hook up. Well, to each his own, but I haven't been disappointed once by getting physical too soon, and it doesn't sound like you have either, GE :). I hope you aren't still feeling insecure about Raj--no matter how great a catch he is, please always remember that he's the one who's lucky to have you, even if the converse of that is also true. I hope things work out with that situation just the way you want...it sounds like you have reasonable expectations and a good attitude which definitely bodes well, so good luck!

Sophia, as far as Steve goes, I think you should assume that he's interested as long as he's asking you out. He might just be a slow mover as Hiya pointed out, especially since he's not that smooth, or maybe he just assumes you'd prefer that he not try to be physical too quickly. If you want him to speed things up, I'd suggest that you definitely don't talk to him about it--that will make him feel chastised and lame and insecure. Instead, show him how you feel by taking the lead and being more assertive when it comes to demonstrating physical affection. But since he's not on the site these days and keeps asking you out, I don't see any reason to think he's not interested. How do you feel about him, more importantly? Also, I'm really sorry to hear you've been missing your ex--I know how you feel and how tough that can be, particularly when you're lonely and missing him even while out with other guys. Can you remind me which ex the guy who moved to Europe was? I can also go back and check your previous posts and messages...anyway, I wish I had some great advice to help you feel better about him, but I don't think there are any easy answers. I do think you're probably missing him because you're lacking a guy in your life who really excites you--I've noticed that I start getting really nostalgic about my first ex, despite the fact that we can't get along to save our lives, whenever I'm not interested in anyone else. But lately I've been missing Patrick regardless of who else is around, so I understand that it's not always that simple. But unless your ex treated you really well and you could see yourself truly happy with him exactly as he is now, I don't think it would be healthy for you to consider a future with him as a possibility, even if he does someday return from Europe or you go there. You really deserve someone who will adore, worship, and respect you unconditionally, and from what I've heard, you haven't found that guy yet...I can't help feeling like none of your exes, at least none that you've told us about, are even close to being good enough, to being the kind of sweet, generous, caring lover that you deserve. If he's caused you pain and anxiety in the past, I don't think he's worthy of another chance with him...do you think you're missing him because he's really the one for you or because it's natural to long for an ex when you don't have a guy to focus your excitement and imagination on in the present?

On the other hand, GE makes a great point that most love affairs don't work out because one or both partners get scared of being vulnerable and intimate or alternately, they get scared of losing their partner or needing them too much and start to act strangely as a result. Looking back, I think we all fall prey to this to a certain extent, but I think Rose is 100% right that we go through everything we experience with failed relationships so that we can make it work when we finally meet the right person. As painful as it's been, I'm glad in some ways that I went through losing Patrick because I'd always been the one to leave and never really had my heart broken before him...now that it's happened, I know I can survive and that love is worth taking the risk. I used to think I wouldn't possibly be able to go on without him, but since I have, even though I still miss him considerably, I think it will help me to fall in love again without fear sometime in the future when the timing is right and I meet the right guy. I really do think that everything happens for a reason and that we learn valuable lessons which benefit us in the future from each experience, no matter how painful or traumatic.
[QUOTE=glamourgal]GE, I am so sorry for how things turned out with Raj. At least you know for sure now about what his intentions were, so now you can say adios and move on to someone who treats you better and loves you for who you are! I know you must be disappointed, but I am proud of you for looking at the good things that came from this---that you now know what you want, and what you don't want.[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with this--while it has got to be somewhat disappointing, I think overall this experience has been good in that it really helped clarify what you do and don't want from the guys you date. You definitely deserve to have everything you want and not to settle for anything less, so I think you've made a very wise and mature decision here. I also think it's good to realize that when a guy tells you what he wants, he's usually being honest and it's smart to take him at his word rather than hope he'll come around and decide he wants something he admits is unlikely (in this case, a serious relationship). I guess I respect him for being upfront, but I think he's a slimeball and an idiot for not wanting to date you and win you over. I also think he's losing out by closing himself off to more than sex, but for whatever reason, I think he's only trying to save face and look like less of a player by saying he'd be open for more than a physical relationship with the right person. Whether he has problems with intimacy or commitment or both, it's clear that he's not able to give you what you want, and I'm very glad this became apparent sooner rather than later, because there are a lot of guys out there who would love to take you out on fun dates, romance you, be interested in really getting to know you, and perhaps become the kind of boyfriend you want. Thus it's definitely your gain and Raj's loss that he isn't interested in more than flings.

I really admire you GE, for having the confidence and self-respect to realize you deserve nothing less than exactly what you want and to go after that--all in all, I bet this experience will turn out to really help you narrow down the guys you're willing to date based on what kind of relationship you and they are looking for. This should also help you narrow down the places you're looking for guys, as there's really not much point in setting yourself up for a challenge and likely disappointment by dating men who advertise that they are searching for purely physical encounters. You deserve SO much better than an immature, self-centered guy who doesn't respect or value women enough to want anything more than sex from them. I know there are examples of men with this outlook who change their minds after meeting a certain woman, but I think the odds of this are slim enough to make it worth your while to avoid these types. Especially because I would think that among men in your age range, this is the exception rather than the general trend--once men get established in or close to ending their careers, I'd think there'd be plenty of them who are looking for a committed relationship, a companion, and a partner...and any one of them would be very lucky to have you!!

The same is true for you, Sophia, and because you deserve nothing less than a wonderful guy who gives you everything you want in a relationship, I feel very strongly that NG isn't worth one more second of your time or energy. I don't see any upside for you in contacting him again for any reason--it seems unlikely to benefit you in any way and likely to leave you feeling sad and disappointed. Remember that it was his loss and his mistake not to seize his opportunity to be with you, and that he really didn't treat you nicely enough to deserve any consideration or kind treatment from you now or anytime in the future. I'm afraid that reaching out to him would only make you feel worse about what happened and compromise both your dignity as well as your efforts to put the past in the past and find someone really worthy of your company, your thoughtfulness, and your energy. If you think about what would happen, I think you'd feel worse about things no matter how NG responded--if he ignored your birthday wishes, I'd imagine you wouldn't feel particularly great, and if he responded and thanked you, it would probably only remind you of liking him and being disappointed that things didn't work out between you two. If anyone should reach out with a peace offering, it should be him, and he certainly knows how to reach you if he has any interest in resuming contact. But personally, I think you're way too good for someone that wishy washy and non-confrontational. I know it's hard to turn your back permanently on promising guys from the past, believe me, looking back only get in the way of moving forward and finding the happiness you deserve.
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]I can't believe how I misjudged Raj! I feel so stupid. I knew the minute I walked in his house it wasn't going to work out. First of all, he had the ball game on and was very intent on that (after I drove all the way over to his house to be with him). Then, when where there was a commercial, we started getting into it and did get intimate. It was even better than the last time, except for one difference. AFterward, he got up and went back down to watch the game! This man did not even try to talk to me or get to know me at all.

[/QUOTE]

What a jerk. He thinks he's God's gift to women and is probably having sex with someone every other day. Sounds like a player to me.

You know you want and deserve better than that, GE, and I hope you find it. :)
[QUOTE=SophiaM]I had such a crappy day today. Crazy day at work and then I just didn't want to go home to my empty apartment, so I went shopping :eek: Bought a couple of cute shirts but felt so lonely walking around the city by myself, eating dinner by myself again, seeing people in groups and couples all over. I felt so ALONE. Couldn't help but think "What is so profoundly wrong with me that I cannot find a boyfriend who would stick with me, in all these years????" It's just getting old--the same routine almost every day. And nobody cares how cute the shirts look on me anyway :(

Also, the guy who lied about his marriage totally disappeared. Which is good--who needs a liar like that? I think my intuition was right about him.

On a brighter note, I got home to an email from a cute guy who is only three years older than me and sounds very promising, from his profile. He said he is looking to meet someone special, so hopefully he's a decent guy. I guess I should have waited to respond until tomorrow so as not to appear overeager, but I thought, what the heck. Is it always wrong to show some sign of interest or enthusiasm in a man?[/QUOTE]

Sophia, hope you don't get mad at me, but here's my thoughts. I think, somehow, you close yourself off to men. YOu put a wall up because you are afraid of getting burned. You are a beautiful woman with much to offer, but yet you keep it all to yourself. Why don't you try to be more open and inviting to new men. I am not saying that you should pick them up, but be a little more flirtatious and open. Don't keep expecting the worst...hope for the best. Just give a little more...but in a very subtle way. I'm not talking about emailing a man first...I'm talking about being open to a man who is interested in you.

Hope this helps.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]I had such a crappy day today. Crazy day at work and then I just didn't want to go home to my empty apartment, so I went shopping :eek: Bought a couple of cute shirts but felt so lonely walking around the city by myself, eating dinner by myself again, seeing people in groups and couples all over. I felt so ALONE. Couldn't help but think "What is so profoundly wrong with me that I cannot find a boyfriend who would stick with me, in all these years????" It's just getting old--the same routine almost every day. And nobody cares how cute the shirts look on me anyway :(

Also, the guy who lied about his marriage totally disappeared. Which is good--who needs a liar like that? I think my intuition was right about him.

On a brighter note, I got home to an email from a cute guy who is only three years older than me and sounds very promising, from his profile. He said he is looking to meet someone special, so hopefully he's a decent guy. I guess I should have waited to respond until tomorrow so as not to appear overeager, but I thought, what the heck. Is it always wrong to show some sign of interest or enthusiasm in a man?[/QUOTE]
Hey Sophia :wave: ,
If it makes you feel any better, I am right there with you. I went shopping too---I thought I would treat myself to something cute (to feel better), but I ended up being too depressed to buy anything :eek: . I found a few things, but I would end up putting them back because I wasn't in the mood. Like you said, why bother when I don't have anyone to look cute for anyway.

Another thing bothering me is that everyone seems to expect that I should be dating a Brad Pitt. Well, I do not even want someone like that. I am so tired of things being based on looks! There are even a couple of women whom I work with that everytime I pass by them they say "hey beautiful". I know that it is sweet of them, but I am really tired of how people are treated based on looks. The director of my department told me that most people "like me" are not very nice, but that I was just as beautiful on the inside as the outside. The "like me" part kind of offended me--I do not like being categorized. I really do not think that I am all of that great or "beautiful"--blah, I am tired of saying/hearing the word. The way they are always giving me compliments makes me very uncomfortable. Obviously I don't have a boyfriend, so I must not be all of THAT great.

There is a guy in one of my classes--he is kind of short, a little chubby, has a scar on his head where no hair grows, and he has a "girlish" voice (I think he had some kind of surgery that caused this). Anyway, I really liked him because he has the best personality, then I found out he is married. Everyone seems to be taken---except for me of course. I really am fine being single, and if I have to I will be a singleton for the rest of my life, but I REALLY do NOT want to, and I am so sick of being alone with nothing to do.





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