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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=greeneyes100]Raj called me again tonight! He's going out of town this weekend to California. He said to visit a "friend" and his cousins. I'm wondering if he has a girl out there? I'm trying really hard to be nonchalant with him because I don't want him to think he's got me wrapped around his finger.

He said he wanted to touch base because he was going out of town and that he would call when he got back. I acted very casual and told him to have a nice time! Even though I really do think I could fall hard for him, I'm going to appear as casual and nonchalant as possible.

We both decided on the ground rules from the beginning, so I can't expect him to be anything but a "friend with benefits". It's going to be a huge challenge for me to be casual with him (and sleep with him). But I want to see if I can do it. I have done this with another man when I was younger, and he ended up wanting to make a commitment, so I know it can and does happen (if I can keep my cool).

So, as long as I know what I'm getting into here, I think I'm going to wing it and see what might become of this "friend with benefits" type relationship.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to meet new men and not always be available when Raj calls, especially if he doesn't call ahead of time for a date.[/QUOTE]

Good plan, Ge! And it's especially encouraging that this guy already called twice, despite proclaiming to only want a casual thing! Just keep your cool and you never know. Don't worry about him having anyone in CA, first of all, it's way too far from where you are, and second of all, it's very probable he has some friends there and is telling you the truth. I'm excited for you, keep us updated, ok?
How did everyone's weekends turn out? For what it's worth, Sophia, I agree with GG that there's no need to rule out Steve at this point as long as you still see some potential in him. It doesn't sound like he's been deliberately rude or neglectful--to me it definitely sounds like he's into you, so why not give it a little more time and see how things turn out? I think Realguy makes a good point, one I guess I've been struggling with myself. It seems like it's tough to find a balance between giving someone a fair chance and not wasting time with someone you know isn't the right person for you...and I guess it also varies depending on how eager you are to find a partner, how much you like or dislike a potential match, how busy you are, what other prospects are available, etc. I'd be very interested to hear how you guys go about evaluating when someone is worthy of more of your time and of getting to know better and when it's time to call it quits and move on. When in doubt, it seems to me to make sense to give a prospect another chance, as people don't always act normally when they are dating and/or just starting to get to know someone, especially if they like the person (which usually makes one nervous). I think that's what's going on with Steve, Sophia--I bet he's really impressed and infatuated with you and doesn't know quite how to behave, what pleases you and what turns you off, how to show you he likes you without coming on too strong, etc. I think you're best off being honest with him like you were about the smooches and make sure not to assume that he knows any better when he does or fails to do something that rubs you the wrong way. It's not about training him for future girls if things don't work out but more about training him for yourself by teaching him what impresses you and what's important to you along with what's not. To me, he sounds like a pretty sweet, occasionally bumbling and clueless guy who nonetheless tries hard and seems to be pretty reliable so far. That would appeal to me especially if he was intellectually and physically attractive--how do you feel about him? How much more time would you be willing to spend on him if he didn't win you over yet or soon?

I'm kind of wondering that myself about this guy I've seen about three times. I like him, he's sweet and smart and cute and a good kisser, but I'm not totally bowled over by him. I'm impressed by a lot of things about him and we have really interesting conversations especially once we warm up to each other--how do I know if it's worth spending more time with him or if I should cut my losses, figuring that I'd already be blown away if it was going to happen? I don't want to waste time with someone when I could be getting to know someone who'd be a better match for me, but I also don't want to write off anyone prematurely, especially when the person is pretty shy, reserved, and probably takes a while to fully emerge from his shell when getting to know someone new. It's a tough call...anyway, that guy is still in the picture for now, though I need to call him soon if he's going to stay that way. I'm a little torn after a great date I had last night even though I'm more than happy to date multiple guys and not at all in a rush to choose just one. The guy I met last night was really cute, smart, and successful. We had a lot of fun and when I drank a little too much, he drove more than an hour roundtrip out of his way to bring me home, which was really sweet. I didn't want the night to end and was getting anxious to hook up with someone hot, so I invited him to stay over, which turned out to be a great idea. I'm not at all conservative or traditional when it comes to sex but you never know, so I wasn't really sure if I'd hear from him again (particularly because I got the dreaded, "Give me a call sometime" when he left this morning), but I was pleasantly surprised when he called tonight just to chat, see how I was doing and if I got my car back, etc. and also to say he'd had a really great time. Since I like him a lot, I was pretty happy about that and hope he stays in the picture at least for the time being...is it wrong that I don't see that as in any way conflicting with dating this other guy or continuing to date more new guys? And does anyone have any advice about how I can tell when it's no longer worth taking more time to get to know someone? Thanks--I hope you all had a great weekend :).
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]Some guys just don't get the message...reminds me of the bar scene in "Hitch" when the one guy is trying to pick Mendez up and just doesn't get the message!!!

:[/QUOTE]

HA! Yes, that scene perfectly portrayed those types of guys that don't get the hint! And they're always the ones who aren't good looking enough to have that kind of ego!!

Sophia, you will find a guy who will hold your hand and look at you like you're the only woman on the planet! All you have to do is really have faith and never settle. Settling is the WORST thing you can do. And you're not doing it, so you're definitely well on your way!
You know what I did one time when I was getting antsy and anxious for a boyfriend? I joined Habitat for Humanity. All by myself. I just went down to the headquarters on my day off, signed up for one day a week volunteer construction work, and did it! It just so happened that my construction supervisor was one of the most gorgeous, intelligent, interesting, wonderful men I've ever met. I thoroughly enjoyed working with him and getting to know him, and I met many great single guys there! I also met my idiot ex a month later and started dating him, so I never pursued any of the Habitat guys... but that is a SERIOUS UNTAPPED RESOURCE for singles!!! And it's FUN!! I know New York City does so much Habitat work, I've been seeing them on the Today show every morning building houses for Katrina victims. Get involved in it! Or choose another type of volunteer organization you can be a part of. Great way to meet guys!!!!
I haven't yet caught up on all the posts from today but wanted to ask you guys for some advice and then come back and respond (though from what I did see, I think you made the right move, GE, by calling Raj back...it takes a certain kind of woman to truly relish sex without necessarily feeling any emotional connection, and other women don't usually understand what that's like while all but the most confident and skilled male lovers are insecure and threatened at the idea of a woman so empowered and free when it comes to her sexuality; as a result, I sometimes get the impression people don't really believe that a woman can take the same approach to casual sex for purely physical pleasure as some men do, though I don't understand why that bothers many people so much).

Anyway, I have two questions for you, one along the same lines...I had a date last weekend with a cute guy, we hit it off, and I decided I didn't want the night to end after dinner and some bar-hopping, so I had him drive me home and seduced him. I was mainly after a night of pure fun, excitement, and pleasure, not really seeing anything else in the future because I'm not at all interested in a relationship at this point. I'm just not even remotely ready to stop dating a variety of different men and experiencing whatever I want to with whoever I want--for far too long I had to try and repress my desire for a number of different men being stuck in committed relationships, and I'm way too young to fall into that trap again. It's just not appealing right now. But it wasn't like I was taking advantage of the guy or anything, I just wasn't thinking (nor did I particularly care much) what happened after that night. He ended up being quite sweet though, and the physical part was really satisfying, actually a pleasant surprise though my expectations were fairly high. He was really concerned about getting me back to my car and all and made a point of calling later on in the day (of the same morning he left my house). We had a friendly, pleasant chat for 20 minutes or so, and I got the impression he was leaving the ball in my court as to whether or not to pursue anything further. But now I don't know how to proceed--I am shy about being the aggressor and avoid it like the plague, but I think I need to reach out and reassure this guy, who seems to be feeling a bit vulnerable. I'm absolutely terrified of calling people (and am even pretty anxious about calling people I know well who definitely want to hear from me), so while I know the phone is the best way to go, does anyone think I can get away with an email? I'd like to go out again, though I'm not absolutely dying to, but at the very least I'd like to thank him for taking good care of me and being so concerned about my well-being. So what do you guys think I should do? And if I do call or email, what do you think I should say? Should I actually suggest getting together again or just talk about something else and see what he says? I am so used to sitting back and letting the guys chase me that I'm pretty clueless when it comes to having to do any pursuing before I'm 100% sure the guy is totally into me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated...thanks in advance!

Oh, and one more thing...I got a new cellphone today, and while the guy who helped me was very helpful, almost fawning, I couldn't take my eyes off the other guy working there (my salesman's boss, I think). I'm really flirty naturally and couldn't help making eye contact and smiling...he seemed to return my interest, but I couldn't really be sure with such limited contact. I was kicking myself when I walked out of there for not doing something, even just asking my own salesman if the hot guy was single, but it's so not my style to approach a guy, much less ask him something suggestive or ask him out! :eek: Plus, I think the other salesman might have been offended if I made any move on his boss, both because he was trying to flirt with me and because we're both white and the hot guy is black. Well, that was the impression that I got, anyway (partially because of his attitude and partially because while I find black men much more attractive than white men on the whole and never had any issues dating them even though I come from a very privileged, predominantly WASPY enclave out east), now that I live in the midwest, people seem to be more homogenous, traditional, repressed, and uptight about interracial relationships. Anyway, I bring that up only because the salesman I had waiting on me is the only conduit I would have if I were to try and pursue the really hot guy. Normally I wouldn't even think of it, but he was just so sexy, it almost seems like it's worth a shot...I have my salesman's cell phone and email on his business card. Do you guys think it would be a good or bad idea to contact him? And if it'd be okay, what would I say? I was thinking I could ask if the other guy was single or else ask for his email, in which case I could email him the link to my online dating profile and let him see if he had any interest in getting to know me. Any ideas? I'm pretty tempted here to go outside my comfort zone, though I know the odds aren't good that he was interested in anything more than some flirting...I could really use your input guys! Thanks...I'll post back when I get through the other posts I've missed...:)
Sophia ~ Sometimes in the real dating world people judge you by your marital status. I guess the guy thought that if he put down he had been married most women wouldn't even give hime a chance, whereas, if you met a guy and after a few dates he disclosed that he had been married before, he would see it as having more of an advantage in the sense of your not holding that against him after getting to know him. So I wouldn't hold it against him for not putting it in his profile to begin with...the important thing is that he was honest with you even before you even met him, which I think is good.

The second guy..well some of are just not the type that are good on the phone or writing until they get to know a person. I'm with you in wanting to know more about a person before meeting, however, you may miss out on meeting a great person. If there's nothing better going on, I say meet with him....you may be pleasantly surprised. :D

Greeneyes ~ Welcome back....it seems that this new guy will be fortunate to have somebody like you welcoming him to Texas. ;)

~ Goody :angel:
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]Sophia, hope you don't get mad at me, but here's my thoughts. I think, somehow, you close yourself off to men. YOu put a wall up because you are afraid of getting burned. You are a beautiful woman with much to offer, but yet you keep it all to yourself. Why don't you try to be more open and inviting to new men. I am not saying that you should pick them up, but be a little more flirtatious and open. Don't keep expecting the worst...hope for the best. Just give a little more...but in a very subtle way. I'm not talking about emailing a man first...I'm talking about being open to a man who is interested in you.

Hope this helps.[/QUOTE]

I'm not mad GE, there's no reason to be. The thing is, I am pretty open, I would think. There was a guy on the train when I was going back home and I was looking at him from time to time, hoping to get some eye contact, but no such luck. He looked at me once but seemed to be perfectly happy listening to his iPod and didn't look at me or anybody else at all. He might have had a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Who knows? Then there is this other guy I sometimes see on my way to work in the morning. I know he recognizes me but he never tried to talk to me or even smile. Again, I tried to catch his eye-gaze, but without much luck because he is ALWAYS listening to his walkman. It's not me; it's them! I told you, the only men that ever approach me are Arabs. They seem to be the only ones who are actually paying any attention to women, or at least have the guts to say something. Sorry if that sounds bitter. That's just been my experience, that's all. I'm trying to put myself out there; go out to bookstores, music stores, etc., but it's like I'm invisible. I don't know why.

So I agreed to go out with the Muslim guy I recently met in my neighborhood. Supposed to go out with him next week. At least they never flake out on dates. When they ask you out, they WILL go out with you. Not like all these online guys. Getting rid of them is another story.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Hey GG! Well, hopefully this guy will ask you out. Where did you meet him; did he come to the office? So what that he's a couple of years younger--that's not a significant age difference by any means, and I doubt it would bother him.

I agree with you about the holidays--they suck; actually New year's is the worst for me. I'm debating hiring a male escort to go to the New Year's party with me this year--I promised myself a year ago that it would be the LAST New Years Eve I would spend without a date! :D

As for online dating, I quit. I'm supposed to have a couple of dates this week and the next with the guys I exchanged numbers with prior to my departure, and that's it. IF they even call, that is. Imagine, an old friend from high school has found me again and started sending me constant emails about this guy she's dating, and telling me how great he is, and how she is waiting for him to propose, blah, blah, blah. I told her I was happy for her, but she keeps sending me the SAME thing practically every day now and also telling me to be "patient" and that one day I too will find my own guy. I find it so patronizing! Grrr. I told her I'm not interested in meeting anyone, much less getting married. Why do people have to rub it in your face??? This woman is a single mother, never finished college, and looks ten years older than me because she's a heavy smoker, and yet, she's "sorry" for me JUST because I"m not dating anyone! Boggles my mind :rolleyes:[/QUOTE]
Hey Sophia!! Yes, he came to the office. Who knows if I will hear from him or not though. I'm with you on hiring the male escort :D . I really don't think I can take another dateless New Years!

Let me know how your dates go and if they work out. Maybe at least one (or all!!) of the guys will call you! And about your old high school friend---where do these people come from?? Ha ha--it's like they come out of the woodwork to rub it in every single girl's face that they have someone and poor poor little single you doesn't. It is sooo frustrating!!





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