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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Hi GE! Sounds like you had a great night with Raj! I'm very happy for you! If you feel in your heart that you want to pursue a friends with benefits relationship with this man, then you have to take the chance and see how it goes. As long as you know it's perfectly fine to realize later on that it's not something you can handle. No shame in that whatsoever. Go into it with an open mind. Just be sure not to ignore any emotional signs that you're not handling it well.

Degen... Don't drive yourself crazy thinking you did something wrong and that's why you're not hearing from this girl. You did nothing wrong! She may have gotten close with someone else and found that she wants to focus on pursuing that other person. You never know. But I'm sure it's not because of your e-mail so stop thinking that! I very briefly did some online dating and just used a friend's profile to e-mail one guy specifically, but I came across another guy I was slightly interested in. I started talking to both guys, but had my heart set on one. I met the one I wanted and stopped talking to the other one out of the blue with no explanation. I'm sure he thinks he did something wrong, when in fact he did nothing wrong whatsoever. I just met the love of my life! The same thing might have happened in your case, so don't worry about it. Just move on to the next!

Glamourgal, I understand your frustration! I hate when people used to feel sorry for me that I was single. Maybe they didn't actually feel sorry, but it felt that way to me and I HATED IT! Reminds me of Bridget Jones's Diary when she goes to the party with all the married couples and they keep asking her what's wrong with her that she's in her 30's and still single. Just think of some kind of smart-a$$ remark when people make comments like that to you. Put them in their place.
[QUOTE=LittleRose1982]Hi GE! Sounds like you had a great night with Raj! I'm very happy for you! If you feel in your heart that you want to pursue a friends with benefits relationship with this man, then you have to take the chance and see how it goes. As long as you know it's perfectly fine to realize later on that it's not something you can handle. No shame in that whatsoever. Go into it with an open mind. Just be sure not to ignore any emotional signs that you're not handling it well.

Degen... Don't drive yourself crazy thinking you did something wrong and that's why you're not hearing from this girl. You did nothing wrong! She may have gotten close with someone else and found that she wants to focus on pursuing that other person. You never know. But I'm sure it's not because of your e-mail so stop thinking that! I very briefly did some online dating and just used a friend's profile to e-mail one guy specifically, but I came across another guy I was slightly interested in. I started talking to both guys, but had my heart set on one. I met the one I wanted and stopped talking to the other one out of the blue with no explanation. I'm sure he thinks he did something wrong, when in fact he did nothing wrong whatsoever. I just met the love of my life! The same thing might have happened in your case, so don't worry about it. Just move on to the next!

Glamourgal, I understand your frustration! I hate when people used to feel sorry for me that I was single. Maybe they didn't actually feel sorry, but it felt that way to me and I HATED IT! Reminds me of Bridget Jones's Diary when she goes to the party with all the married couples and they keep asking her what's wrong with her that she's in her 30's and still single. Just think of some kind of smart-a$$ remark when people make comments like that to you. Put them in their place.[/QUOTE]

LR, how is it going? Seems like you're back to your old self and adjusting very well to life together with Nick. I had faith that you would be allright; it was just a little fear that had to do with the past rather than the present.

Glamour, I understand your frustration. I just hate it when people, especially older people, say that to me "You're not married YET???" with this shocked expression on their face. Grrrr...Makes you feel ten times worse. My mother informed me with such glee today that some distant relative is expecting a baby! I didn't even know who this girl was at first but from my mother's reaction, you would think it was her own daughter! This girl is only 26 and married to a guy who worships her. So, I had my "self-pity moment" today too. Then my other cousin who is 23 just wrote my mother a letter telling her how happy she is with her Italian boyfriend whom she's living with now. Again, my mother was extremely excited about the news. Of course, I can't give her ANY exciting news no matter how much I would love to :( I feel like I'm delegated to the least important place in the family just because I'm single. I'm sort of "punished" for it, even though it's not my fault!

So what happened to the guy your friend wants you to meet? Have you decided to give it a shot?
Sophia, I have to say I wholeheartedly agree with greeneyes on this one. GE, thanks for saying what I was nervous about saying!!

There's just something I find a bit demeaning when a guy I'm thinking of dating asks me to bring my "single friends" for his friends. It makes me feel like a piece of meat and like me and my friends are only there for the men's entertainment... so they have "toys" to occupy themselves with. I don't know why I feel this way, but it just rubs me the wrong way. Show this guy that you are worth more than just a parade of single girls to keep the guys entertained.
Also, he has sprung this weekend thing on you last minute when he had never been available on weekends before. This, to me, says he had a falling out with whatever girl he was REALLY dating (she probably found out he's online dating, or seeing many other girls) and now he needs a date. Sorry to be so pessimistic lately! It's just that for some reason, the fake-ness is much more apparent now that I know what the real thing looks like.
Whatever you decide to do is your decision and we will all be here for you! I can see many benefits to going as well! I just want to interject with the cautionary post amidst all the encouraging ones. You should look at it from every angle so as to avoid getting hurt. I know many women in your shoes would go just for the sake of having a fun time with a cute guy and not read too much into it. But from what I've learned about you in the many months past is that you are not just looking for casual dating. You are looking for love. And I simply don't see you finding that with this guy. I could certainly be wrong and if you do go then I hope and pray that I AM wrong!! Just be careful with your heart, Sophia. I worry that you may be getting a little more vulnerable lately.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Ok, so I emailed the guy and told him where we're going to be at tomorrow, and that he and his friends can meet us there. Here's what he replied: "Cool! Not sure exactly what we're thinking...but I'll give you a call tomorrow afternoon. It would be interesting to all meet up and see what happens.
Are your friends cute? I need something to tell the guys."[/QUOTE]

Honestly...seems like he is going to go by what his friends would like to do!!! Looks like they're looking for a fun night out and that everything will be riding on that!! He may contact you tomorrow with other plans that came up. Personally I wouldn't even respond to his part about the other girls. You may wish to email him & say that you need to know if it's a definite because you & your friends also got a last minute invite to somebody's apartment and that you need to know if it's a definite otherwise you may go with the other plans.

His response is not the smartest thing to do to a girl who you really like :nono: Some guys just don't use their heads ;) I know that this may be frustrating.....but guys will be guys and apparently his friends are pretty much going to go with whatever plan suits them best and he is most likely going to cater to them. What are you thinking now that some time has passed?? ~ Goody
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]Honestly...seems like he is going to go by what his friends would like to do!!! Looks like they're looking for a fun night out and that everything will be riding on that!! He may contact you tomorrow with other plans that came up. Personally I wouldn't even respond to his part about the other girls. You may wish to email him & say that you need to know if it's a definite because you & your friends also got a last minute invite to somebody's apartment and that you need to know if it's a definite otherwise you may go with the other plans.

His response is not the smartest thing to do to a girl who you really like :nono: Some guys just don't use their heads ;) I know that this may be frustrating.....but guys will be guys and apparently his friends are pretty much going to go with whatever plan suits them best and he is most likely going to cater to them. What are you thinking now that some time has passed?? ~ Goody[/QUOTE]

Thank you, Goody. I am Sooo lost in all this dating mess :rolleyes: I don't even know what to do or what to think anymore. Either I'm strange or I'm meeting the strangest people. Some other guy emailed me and he honestly wants to take me for a helicopter flight (he does something else for a living but went to flight school also) on the first date!!! Is that insane or what? On top of everything, he left the "relationship status" box blank, so I asked him how long he's been divorced (he has two kids) and he never answered me. So, probably something is fishy.

Yeah, I agree with you that the guy I'm considering going out with tomorrow (let's call him Steve) doesn't sound like he's too crazy about me. Plus it sounds so immature. You won't believe these guys are in their 30s! I didn't respond to the email. I'll see if he calls tomorrow and what he says. I'm getting so tired of dating.
[QUOTE=glamourgal]Tooshie--haha, that made my day too :D !!

Have you decided what you are going to do tonight Sophia? I guess I am just going to stay home and work on schoolwork---so fun! I actually saw a cute guy today and he kept craning his neck around to look at me. Normally I would have at least smiled or something, but for some reason I felt nervous and I ended up walking away. Then I was so mad at myself!! It's not like I run into cute guys all of the time. I have no idea whatsoever why I felt nervous. So, another little chance gone by.[/QUOTE]

GG, too bad about the cute guy, but if he lives in your neighborhood, hopefully you'll run into him again! I can understand about being nervous in that situation, though--I would be too. It's especially hard not to be nervous when you like the guy and find him attractive! Still, that shows you that if only you put yourself out there, there will be guys who would love to talk to you. It's only a matter of time.

Well, I did go out with my friend, and shortly after we got there, Steve showed up with his friends. I was somewhat surprised because I thought he was going to call first. I can't believe he had asked me if my friends were cute. :rolleyes: First of all, one of his friends was married and was there with his wife, another one was accompanied by some girl the first couple were trying to set him up with, and the only single and available guy was seriously overweight, so my friend had no interest in him whatsoever! They didn't offer us a drink, either. I didn't really stay long because it was miserable out and I didn't want to get home too late, so Steve walked me to the train station. He wants to see me again, though, and asked me to go to a movie tomorrow. I told him tomorrow is not good, so maybe monday. I don't know...He is kind of strange, I think. I can't figure out if he really likes me or not. He took me for drinks and dinner on the first date and also on the next two dates and paid for everything. So I guess I shouldn't be too insulted that he didn't offer this time? He is kind of immature, I have to admit, and so are his friends. I can't believe they are the same age as me, the way they act. They look older but act way younger. I mean, NG was the same age but he was so much more mature. It's crazy! I wonder if I should continue going out with Steve or not. He is definitely handsome and has a lot of knowledge, but his cluelessness and immaturity are not the most appealing qualities. It's a bizarre combination, really. Not sure what to think.
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]
I don't know, Sophia....it's amazing but sometimes giving feedback will at least help the next girl in line....think about it if each of the guys you dated through online dating hears the same feedback from his dates eventually if he wants something to work out he will make some changes for the better. You do owe it to your fellow women...same goes for the guys giving feedback to the girls....afterall, each wants to succeed in the world of dating and perhaps on these online dating sites they should have an evaluation box after each date. :D Hmmmmm.....that may be a great idea!!! :bouncing:

Anyway....what are your thoughts...do you think this guy is really clueless or just inconsiderate and rude??? ~ Goody[/QUOTE]

To be honest, Goody, "helping the next girl in line" is not my priority at all. I'm happy to help or offer my perspective to my friends here, but why should I care about some anonymous "next girl" getting all the benefits of my hard work?;) If I were indeed able to affect his cluelessness in a positive way and make him into a "perfect boyfriend," then I would be keeping him! :D

Well, I don't know what I'm going to do with him yet. I did tell him though not to ever use the word "smooch" again, and he was genuinely surprised. He thought I liked it the first time he used it. I told him I hated it and that it sounded goofy and unromantic. So as you can see, I AM trying to make him a better man! I tend to think he is thoroughly clueless, although he has his moments of brilliance, as in: he offers me a seat while he's standing, always walks me to the train station and yesterday he held an umbrella for me and tried to hug me close to him so I wouldn't get wet. He must be somewhat interested if he keeps asking me out, so maybe I should at least see if he can be "trained." I honestly think he's pretty clueless rather than being deliberately thoughtless, but then again, maybe I'm giving him too much of a benefit of the doubt.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]To be honest, Goody, "helping the next girl in line" is not my priority at all. I'm happy to help or offer my perspective to my friends here, but why should I care about some anonymous "next girl" getting all the benefits of my hard work?;) If I were indeed able to affect his cluelessness in a positive way and make him into a "perfect boyfriend," then I would be keeping him! :D [/QUOTE] Hehehehehehehe :D Of course, Sophia....I just was gauging whether or not you thought you would be up to the challenge. You should definitely reap the benefits...and deservingly so. :angel:

[QUOTE=SophiaM]Well, I don't know what I'm going to do with him yet. I did tell him though not to ever use the word "smooch" again, and he was genuinely surprised. He thought I liked it the first time he used it. I told him I hated it and that it sounded goofy and unromantic. So as you can see, I AM trying to make him a better man! I tend to think he is thoroughly clueless, although he has his moments of brilliance, as in: he offers me a seat while he's standing, always walks me to the train station and yesterday he held an umbrella for me and tried to hug me close to him so I wouldn't get wet. He must be somewhat interested if he keeps asking me out, so maybe I should at least see if he can be "trained." I honestly think he's pretty clueless rather than being deliberately thoughtless, but then again, maybe I'm giving him too much of a benefit of the doubt.[/QUOTE] You know, the more you describe him, the more that I see how he IS interested. I like how you were able to tell him how he is not to use the word "smooch" again!!! :D I bet that's the last we'll be hearing of that in his vocabulary!!! I think perhaps another woman in his past just wasn't bold enough to tell him so....and what Steve needs most in his life is a woman like you who cares enough to tell him so. I think you may be right....that he is "clueless" in the ways of dating....he certainly is a gentleman and is interested. I say hang in there and keep him on his toes just like you have. I really don't think you are giving him too much benefit of the doubt....I agree with GE, you should give him some more time....he does sound interesting although he may be a little bit of a challenge. ;) Nothing wrong with that...I like guys who are a bit challenging. Keeps you on your toes too. ;)

Sorry....I didn't mean to imply putting work into something and just handing it off to someone else....just if things definitely are not going to work out a feedback/evaluation may be helpful in the world of online dating.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody :wave:
[QUOTE=degen95]GG, i hope to don't get mad or anything when i say this, but, i really don't get it.. :confused: :confused: i know its tough to find someone and we've been through all the reasons why before, but...you seem to reject EVERY SINGLE PERSON your friends/family want to hook you up with. WHY?? if you're so tired of being single why not just go out with these guys "just for the heck of it"?? have you met any of these guys??

sitting around and being soooo picky with these guys isn't going to help your situation. i know you know you're hot and that you think because of this you deserve a lot even though you don't want to admit it. to me, as long as these guys are well groomed, hygeinic, NOT psycho, or too terribly unattractive, then i think you should give it a go.

once upon a time, i actually fell for someone that really really wasn't my type physically. she was pretty but really not my type but over the course of a year or so, i got to know her and i started to like her and i think she felt the same for me too...so, you never know.

PPLLLLEEEAAAASSSEEEEEEEE, GG, i really want to see you like this -> :bouncing: (in a lovely shade of pink, ;) not green)..so, if anything, just go and meet these guys and smile and laugh and engage them, don't let them do all the talking. as a guy, when i get this from girls, i take it they're not interested and i move on.

and one more thing to work on your smile: i just got my braces off so i'm smiling at tons of girls these days. some smiles can be fake but to make a smile look genuine, try thinking about something really funny that happened to you. when you start smiling from the thought, IMMEDIATELY MAKE EYE CONTACT with the guy(s). it will make your smile look so much more inviting and you'll seem really approachable and fun to talk to.

everytime i come on here and see your name i always think that some lucky punk will end up with you someday but sometimes even the hot chick has to put some effort...you being single doesn't make any sense....just like sophia...and also my yoga teacher!! i almost have a crush on her but she's like 40 and single and attractive. i don't get it... :confused: :confused:[/QUOTE]
Hey Degen :) ,
No you did not make me mad :D , in fact you made me laugh when I read your post because my family and friends are always telling me that I am too picky. Maybe I am, but hardly anyone (except my best friend) ever believes me when I say that I am not looking for good looks OR money--or anything like that. I just want a clean-cut, somewhat intelligent guy who values and believes in the same things I do. That is really ALL that I want--honest. There is a guy in one of my classes who I hoped would maybe ask me out--he is a little chubby, but he has a neat appearance and a really great personality---then I found out he is married.

I really don't think that I am being unrealistic in what I want. Also, I am glad that my family and friends are thinking of me and trying to introduce me to single guys whom they know. There really are not very many alternatives to meeting people, so I am very thankful for them thinking of me. I don't mind meeting those two guys at all next weekend, but I AM tired of always being dateless when I go to weddings. It makes me feel like such a loser when everyone else is coupled off having a great time---plus they have someone to dance with. Anyway, I don't want to whine any further :D . Thanks so much Degen for the advice, and for hoping good things for me! I bet you have a really wonderful smile that one lucky girl is going to enjoy waking up to one day!!! I wish you all of the best and I hope you meet her very soon ;) !

(I just wanted to add that I really don't think I am all of that great, so I do NOT think that I deserve a lot for being "hot". I just want in a guy what I described above, and I will not settle for less because then we would both end up unhappy.)
[QUOTE=glamourgal]Hey Degen :) ,
No you did not make me mad :D , in fact you made me laugh when I read your post because my family and friends are always telling me that I am too picky. Maybe I am, but hardly anyone (except my best friend) ever believes me when I say that I am not looking for good looks OR money--or anything like that. I just want a clean-cut, somewhat intelligent guy who values and believes in the same things I do. That is really ALL that I want--honest. There is a guy in one of my classes who I hoped would maybe ask me out--he is a little chubby, but he has a neat appearance and a really great personality---then I found out he is married.

I really don't think that I am being unrealistic in what I want. Also, I am glad that my family and friends are thinking of me and trying to introduce me to single guys whom they know. There really are not very many alternatives to meeting people, so I am very thankful for them thinking of me. I don't mind meeting those two guys at all next weekend, but I AM tired of always being dateless when I go to weddings. It makes me feel like such a loser when everyone else is coupled off having a great time---plus they have someone to dance with. Anyway, I don't want to whine any further :D . Thanks so much Degen for the advice, and for hoping good things for me! I bet you have a really wonderful smile that one lucky girl is going to enjoy waking up to one day!!! I wish you all of the best and I hope you meet her very soon ;) !

(I just wanted to add that I really don't think I am all of that great, so I do NOT think that I deserve a lot for being "hot". I just want in a guy what I described above, and I will not settle for less because then we would both end up unhappy.)[/QUOTE]

GG, I don't think you have been too 'picky' or have unrealistic expectations at all! Your expectations are very reasonable. I want pretty much the same type of guy: clean-cut, intelligent, empolyed, funny, considerate, and overall a decent human being. But not the gorgeous, international hearthrob type by any means! We just haven't met the right guys yet--that's all there is to it. At least your family and friends always keep an eyes open for you, GG. I don't even have that. None of my friends seem to know any single guys who are looking for a girlfriend. Well, ok, maybe a month ago or so, a friend tried to set me up with this divorced guy with a kid who had been in a car accident and had permanent problems with his leg as a result and had to walk with a cane. He could barely walk, actually. The guy was a plumber, so not educated either. He was nice enough, though, I thought, and had a cute face, so I was thinking, what the heck, maybe I should at least give him a chance. Guess what, after he met me, he apparently said I "wasn't his type!" :rolleyes: It's these men who have unrealistic expectations, not us!

At the same time, I have to add that trying to date someone I originally had reservations about has NEVER worked well for me. It always ended up blowing up in my face and hurting ME. Which means my instincts were right to begin with. Perhaps there's a good reason we have reservations about certain people. I think from now on I'll only date a man who is everything I've ever wanted in a guy! It hasn't worked when I tried to make excuses and be accepting of either inadequate behavior or character traits that bothered me a lot. You can't fit a square peg into a round hole, so why not just get it right in the first place.
[QUOTE=degen95]bad GG, bad bad GG! :nono: that's it. you're grounded!! you should have stuck around to find out if the guys were single; not by asking directly, of course..BUT..you should have asked the people you knew if they knew the guys and if your mutual friends knew if they were single or not. a wedding setting is easy to maneuver.

and its ok if they love songs made you look like this -> :dizzy: the guys will understand. :D

you know, there's a feeling i always get: when i make a play for someone, they're always taken but i always feel that the times i just assumed they were taken were actually the times it probably would have worked. i really hate this feeling. :rolleyes:[/QUOTE]
I guess I just wasn't in the mood to be a pursuer/investigator. I really am tired of the whole process.

Degen, if you ever see a girl that you might be interested in---GO TALK TO HER!!! That way you don't have to walk away and wonder. I would have loved it if one of those guys I saw last night would have come up and talked to me.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Degen you're in engineering school? No wonder I like you :D I think I'm just attracted to engineers by default. Maybe because I'm a humanities girl. So there must be more women like me out there, who are into science and heavy machinery-oriented guys! :) Degen, you are young and your options haven't even began to appear--actually, at your age, the older you get, the more options you'll have, especially once you're out of school. There are not exactly too many girls in engineering schools. And plus with your new dazzling smile---you'll soon have girls chasing you down the street! :wave:[/QUOTE]
you're such a cutie pie ;) maybe you'll like my pocket protector.. :eek: :D or my TI-89..lol!!

by the way, some of the girls in engineering school would only talk to me if they wanted my homework or something.. :rolleyes: i looked the other way. they never talked to me again but i didn't care since they weren't interested in me as friends anyway.

here's my smile -> :D
ok, time to change directions a bit. i have a question: do you guys think that you can change the "type" you're attracted to?? i have a story:

when i was in undergrad (EE) there was this girl i was attracted to. she was another engineering major, not mine though. i hardly ever ran into her and we didn't have mutual friends, but i just thought we would be good together for some reason. i never really got a chance to talk to her since i wasn't as brave as i am now. anyway, she graduated slightly earlier than me; she left, never saw her again.

fastforward 2.5 years to present day. i have my thesis defense. i show up early to set myself up and get comfortable with the room and psyche myself up or whatever and out of nowhere this same girl shows up to my defense. can you imagine what was going through my mind on a pretty important day in my academic life?? :eek:

it was just the two of us there, so i start talking to her FINALLY and she says she was interested in my work. :eek: after we both left undergrad, she took time off from school, i went straight into grad school. now she's in grad school just starting. now at this point, i obviously was considering asking her out somewhere since she was interested i my "work" (that would have been my excuse.. :D ). then something came over me and i realized i wasn't attracted to her anymore..NOT AT ALL!! it was all gone. for some reason, i don't think she's my "type" anymore.

have you guys ever realized that a certain "type" wasn't your type anymore?? i know i grew up a bit more in 2.5 years but could i have changed that much??? what do you think??





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