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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


How did everyone's weekends turn out? For what it's worth, Sophia, I agree with GG that there's no need to rule out Steve at this point as long as you still see some potential in him. It doesn't sound like he's been deliberately rude or neglectful--to me it definitely sounds like he's into you, so why not give it a little more time and see how things turn out? I think Realguy makes a good point, one I guess I've been struggling with myself. It seems like it's tough to find a balance between giving someone a fair chance and not wasting time with someone you know isn't the right person for you...and I guess it also varies depending on how eager you are to find a partner, how much you like or dislike a potential match, how busy you are, what other prospects are available, etc. I'd be very interested to hear how you guys go about evaluating when someone is worthy of more of your time and of getting to know better and when it's time to call it quits and move on. When in doubt, it seems to me to make sense to give a prospect another chance, as people don't always act normally when they are dating and/or just starting to get to know someone, especially if they like the person (which usually makes one nervous). I think that's what's going on with Steve, Sophia--I bet he's really impressed and infatuated with you and doesn't know quite how to behave, what pleases you and what turns you off, how to show you he likes you without coming on too strong, etc. I think you're best off being honest with him like you were about the smooches and make sure not to assume that he knows any better when he does or fails to do something that rubs you the wrong way. It's not about training him for future girls if things don't work out but more about training him for yourself by teaching him what impresses you and what's important to you along with what's not. To me, he sounds like a pretty sweet, occasionally bumbling and clueless guy who nonetheless tries hard and seems to be pretty reliable so far. That would appeal to me especially if he was intellectually and physically attractive--how do you feel about him? How much more time would you be willing to spend on him if he didn't win you over yet or soon?

I'm kind of wondering that myself about this guy I've seen about three times. I like him, he's sweet and smart and cute and a good kisser, but I'm not totally bowled over by him. I'm impressed by a lot of things about him and we have really interesting conversations especially once we warm up to each other--how do I know if it's worth spending more time with him or if I should cut my losses, figuring that I'd already be blown away if it was going to happen? I don't want to waste time with someone when I could be getting to know someone who'd be a better match for me, but I also don't want to write off anyone prematurely, especially when the person is pretty shy, reserved, and probably takes a while to fully emerge from his shell when getting to know someone new. It's a tough call...anyway, that guy is still in the picture for now, though I need to call him soon if he's going to stay that way. I'm a little torn after a great date I had last night even though I'm more than happy to date multiple guys and not at all in a rush to choose just one. The guy I met last night was really cute, smart, and successful. We had a lot of fun and when I drank a little too much, he drove more than an hour roundtrip out of his way to bring me home, which was really sweet. I didn't want the night to end and was getting anxious to hook up with someone hot, so I invited him to stay over, which turned out to be a great idea. I'm not at all conservative or traditional when it comes to sex but you never know, so I wasn't really sure if I'd hear from him again (particularly because I got the dreaded, "Give me a call sometime" when he left this morning), but I was pleasantly surprised when he called tonight just to chat, see how I was doing and if I got my car back, etc. and also to say he'd had a really great time. Since I like him a lot, I was pretty happy about that and hope he stays in the picture at least for the time being...is it wrong that I don't see that as in any way conflicting with dating this other guy or continuing to date more new guys? And does anyone have any advice about how I can tell when it's no longer worth taking more time to get to know someone? Thanks--I hope you all had a great weekend :).
Hi everyone,

You guys give such great advice--I don't know why you wouldn't think you don't, Rose! I've agreed completely with almost everything you've ever said and I'm often very impressed with your insights and sensitivity. And HIT, you make an excellent point...it's not necessarily a bad thing to let things develop a little slower than I'm used to, because I think some of my past relationships have gotten too intense and serious too quickly which caused problems later. As far as the guy I've been seeing for awhile, I'm definitely not spending a lot of time thinking about him and anticipating when I see him next, as he's a bit bland and I forgot to call him for awhile. I sent him an email last night saying I'd be up for getting together again (he'd called before last weekend to see if I wanted to go out then), so I'll see what he says...I think it's worth going on at least one more date before I decide anything one way or another, but maybe he'll be frustrated with me being hard to reach and make the decision for me.

As for the guy I saw over the weekend who spent the night, I'm really glad that happened--it was quite a night! I have a really high sex drive and need to fool around every so often, so it was good timing, and I'm with you, GE, that any guy who's going to be judgmental and have a prudish, conservative double standard about women who get physical quickly isn't worth our time. I don't get attached emotionally when I'm physical with a guy, so I figure that as long as I'm safe and generally avoid going all the way, it's all in good fun and pretty satisfying for me. I'm not so sure about sleeping with more than one guy at a time, though it does feel deliciously naughty and fun in the right circumstances...I'll just wait and see how things go. I do know that ever since I was a little girl, I've been excited to sexually experience a wide variety of men, and I definitely don't want to deny myself more opportunities by settling down with just one guy any time soon. It's not like I'm lacking for experience now, but the one thing that nagged me when I was with exes was the thought of never sleeping with any other guys if we were to stay together permanently, which made me realize I'm too young for that kind of committment.

Anyway, I agree with you, GE, that hooking up soon after starting to date doesn't necessarily preclude a relationship, as I've had and seen too many examples to the contrary. I've never really understood why some people are willing to get seriously involved with people before ensuring that they'll have a good sex life--to me, that's just absolutely essential and the only way to know for sure is to experiment, but I guess it's not a wise idea for people who can't help but get emotionally attached to people with whom they hook up. Well, to each his own, but I haven't been disappointed once by getting physical too soon, and it doesn't sound like you have either, GE :). I hope you aren't still feeling insecure about Raj--no matter how great a catch he is, please always remember that he's the one who's lucky to have you, even if the converse of that is also true. I hope things work out with that situation just the way you want...it sounds like you have reasonable expectations and a good attitude which definitely bodes well, so good luck!

Sophia, as far as Steve goes, I think you should assume that he's interested as long as he's asking you out. He might just be a slow mover as Hiya pointed out, especially since he's not that smooth, or maybe he just assumes you'd prefer that he not try to be physical too quickly. If you want him to speed things up, I'd suggest that you definitely don't talk to him about it--that will make him feel chastised and lame and insecure. Instead, show him how you feel by taking the lead and being more assertive when it comes to demonstrating physical affection. But since he's not on the site these days and keeps asking you out, I don't see any reason to think he's not interested. How do you feel about him, more importantly? Also, I'm really sorry to hear you've been missing your ex--I know how you feel and how tough that can be, particularly when you're lonely and missing him even while out with other guys. Can you remind me which ex the guy who moved to Europe was? I can also go back and check your previous posts and messages...anyway, I wish I had some great advice to help you feel better about him, but I don't think there are any easy answers. I do think you're probably missing him because you're lacking a guy in your life who really excites you--I've noticed that I start getting really nostalgic about my first ex, despite the fact that we can't get along to save our lives, whenever I'm not interested in anyone else. But lately I've been missing Patrick regardless of who else is around, so I understand that it's not always that simple. But unless your ex treated you really well and you could see yourself truly happy with him exactly as he is now, I don't think it would be healthy for you to consider a future with him as a possibility, even if he does someday return from Europe or you go there. You really deserve someone who will adore, worship, and respect you unconditionally, and from what I've heard, you haven't found that guy yet...I can't help feeling like none of your exes, at least none that you've told us about, are even close to being good enough, to being the kind of sweet, generous, caring lover that you deserve. If he's caused you pain and anxiety in the past, I don't think he's worthy of another chance with him...do you think you're missing him because he's really the one for you or because it's natural to long for an ex when you don't have a guy to focus your excitement and imagination on in the present?

On the other hand, GE makes a great point that most love affairs don't work out because one or both partners get scared of being vulnerable and intimate or alternately, they get scared of losing their partner or needing them too much and start to act strangely as a result. Looking back, I think we all fall prey to this to a certain extent, but I think Rose is 100% right that we go through everything we experience with failed relationships so that we can make it work when we finally meet the right person. As painful as it's been, I'm glad in some ways that I went through losing Patrick because I'd always been the one to leave and never really had my heart broken before him...now that it's happened, I know I can survive and that love is worth taking the risk. I used to think I wouldn't possibly be able to go on without him, but since I have, even though I still miss him considerably, I think it will help me to fall in love again without fear sometime in the future when the timing is right and I meet the right guy. I really do think that everything happens for a reason and that we learn valuable lessons which benefit us in the future from each experience, no matter how painful or traumatic.





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