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[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Hey Hiya :wave:

It’s wonderful to see that you recognize this party as a great opportunity to escape from eight years of pain and suffering. By committing yourself to attend, you have revived your fighting spirit… as evidenced by the tenacity you have shown in preparing for this encounter. You have made so much progress this last week. I imagine your coworkers have noticed a change in you.

While there is a small risk of a negative experience if things don’t go as you plan, it is a risk you must take. I can’t help but remember all the horrible thoughts and dreams you’ve told us about… there is [u]nothing[/u] they could say or do at the party that could even approach what you have imagined. So, you have already experienced the worst… yet you’re still alive, healthy and preparing well to look your demons straight in the eyes. By doing so, you will be able to walk away as the victor, rather than as the victim... and your life will enter a new phase.

It wouldn’t be surprising if the TTE and your ex would put on a little show for you… to show you how deliriously happy they are. No truly happy couple acts that way so if they do such, it will probably be quite amusing… try not to smirk. ;) Just know if they act that way, it is a clear sign that there are problems under the elephant tent.

I know I’m not alone in wishing I could be at the party to witness it first hand. We will be eagerly waiting to hear all about it. I’ll be thinking about you Saturday night. If you get nervous at the party, know that your friends are with you in spirit so you will have them outnumbered. Oh, yeah, if you have the opportunity… check to see if her breath smells like peanuts. :D[/QUOTE]

:D Thanks HLG!. Man, after all this, wouldn't it be a kick in the head if he didn't even show up? Argh!! I almost hope he does now, but whether he does show up or not, or whether he shows up alone or with the TTE or with the whole part-time family, it will all be the same to me. I've come to realize this really isn't about him, it's about me and what I'm able to make of it no matter who does or doesn't show up.

Could you refresh my memory? I'm a little unclear as to the horrible thoughts and dreams? Are you talking about things that have happened to me and mine in the past, or something else?

Ibeeshell, as far as I know, it's on for Saturday night. I'll have to call the FFWB to confirm and see if it's still a go.

Also - anyone who would like to throw their 2 cents, ever since I was a teenager, I've been accused of being way too picky, wanting someone or something way out of my league. Where do you draw the line between being discriminating and just snobbish? I was talking with the guy from work, just getting a good beat on him, and although he's nice enough, I'm just not feeling it. There are things that I'm picking up that just are setting off all kinds of red flags. Listening to my gut has always served me pretty well, but then again, I've also spent such a large chunk of my life alone, that maybe I a being too picky. How do you know when you'e being smart and when you're being too picky?
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]Nini....I think it's obvious that this guy is not someone you like enough to date...I mean you do know him more than just an work with him and have more of an advantage of getting a general idea of whether or not he is dateable. Sounds to me that he is not somebody that you should pursue would just be settling. If what he is doing is only after a few drinks just imagine what he would be doing if you went out on a few more dates :eek:

I would definitely tell him about the discomfort you are feeling in your neck. hurts so tell him to quit it already!!! That's the first thing you need to do before Saturday...we haven't had a homeowrk assignment in a while :D Time to tell this guy to stop massaging your neck,....tell him just like you did me, that it hurts because you had a car accident. Okay??? And if you want extra credit tell him that his other hands on activities are not necessary as well!!! :jester: Nobody should touch you in a way you find uncomfortable, Nini....I tell my girls that all the time!!! :nono:

Okay???? ~ Goody :angel:[/QUOTE]

Yes Ma'am! No, I know you're right. next time he tries, I will say something. I was supposed to go out with him and another coworker to a poker club, but the other guy begged off, and I need to go shopping for a new top for the party and get my place cleaned up tonight, and there's always next week. I don't know. God, every time I meet someone that has the remotest chance of being a prospective new beau, I get all excited at first, then I get disappointed, then start getting really sad and angry that I can't be with my ex anymore. I don't know if it's because I just really loved my ex, or if I am really romanticizing the whole thing a little. Maybe if I see him again for real, I'll remember, I mean really REMEMBER all the mean, thoughtless things he did and said to me. It sure seems like someone goofed. How can I feel so strongly for so long for someone who thought so little of me? It just seems so unfair.
[QUOTE=Hiya]Man, it's going to be hard tomorrow, trying and struggling to not feel like the stupid, pathetic loser who doesn't deserve to have anyone love her, sitting there alone, everyone feeling sorry for her because they know she still loves this guy who got past her and moved on with a great life so quickly after he kicked her to the curb. It's a terrible feeling knowing deep down that you don't really matter to anyone. It's hard to care about yourself when no one else does. But it's just something I have to do, to see what will come of it. I hope one day soon you too will have such a moment when you can see what you're really made of, and put this relationship with this guy in a new perspective.[/QUOTE]

I truly believe you are wrong about this. I believe you are going to find you deal MUCH better then you give yourself credit for now. You may still have feelings of regret, they've become habit, after all, but I think you will see him differently. It will be the beginning of getting over him. He will seem like a stranger now. That's the best thing that could happen for you. Look great, play the room, keep your eyes open and leave when you've had enough. I'm wishing you very good luck tommorrow.
Bless you guys so much for all your support, I really could use it by this time!

Goody, to answer your question, no, I'm not going to perform, just a lot of people who will be there are singers/musicians and we're all just going to bring our guitars and just jam, you know, sitting around in a circle and take turns playing songs, and everyone jumping in with guitar parts/harmonies on the songs they know, so it's not like there's the same pressure as getting up and performing for a crowd, much more relaxed, but still a good opportunity to show what you got. Yes, I bought a new top, new undertop and new shoes, too! They were on clearance for on $9, but they are so cute, I just couldn't resist!

Stacy, well, that's a very long and involved issue, and one I don't think I have a complete answer for, but actually, no, I really don't feel connected to the rest of the hman race, actually, or this world. The only time I really felt like I could actually have a purpose, or belong here, was when I was with the ex. A lot of it obviously stems from things that happened in my childhood, just never really being accepted, getting beaten up a lot, and all that stuff. By the time I got to high school, I was already kind of a mess. Very shy and insecure, and although I wasn't aware of it at the time, very angry underneath it all. And then there was all the high school garbage, the girls whispering and laughing behind your back, boys calling you not very nice names and such. It just ook a long time to get over all that, and it's still a process. I think I'm just so eager and hungry to be heard, to be acknowledged by someone, that sort of made me too bousterous in voicing my opinions and feelings once I felt comfortable enough with someone to be myself around. Also, I think feeling so out of control of my life all those years made me a bit of a control freak in other areas as an adult. I used to be a lot like the Monica character on Friends. And as an adult, it's just so much harder to meet like-minded people with the shared experiences and the propinquity to form close emotional bonds with. I love my family dearly, but my parents are elderly and have their own issues to deal with, and spending time with them is more like "ok, what needs taking care of?" rather than just nice family time, and my brother is going through his hard times as well, just filed for bankruptcy and is really struggling, and my other brother is ill, as I mentioned before. Since I know they won't be around much longer and they're not really there now, I have sort of mentally separated from them. I can do alright with one on one small talk, but I'm terrible in groups. I tend to disappear, get quiet, don't really know what to say, or who would even care what I had to say. I guess the confusion continues. My ex said he really liked that I was so "sweet" and he was always put off by loud, pushy women, and then he goes and marries one. Go figure. I just don't know what people want, I guess, and just got really weary trying to figure it out. I've been an outcast since preschool, and I suppose I just always will be to some extent. I just have to accept it. I guess to answer Soulster's question from a while back, yes, there's a part of me that wants my ex back, wants a second chance to do better. I mean, I've never even had a second date with anyone else, ever. It's hard not to see him as my one and only chance at having any sort of happiness or normalcy at all. I still ache so bad for the intimacy that we had, or seemed to have, and I want a family of my own so badly. I just can't picture it happening with anyone else. Every other guy I've ever met is either a dork or the ones I really like aren't interested in me at all.

Well, I don't want to turn this into a pity pool, so I'll stop now! But thanks again to Evy, Goody, Stacy, all you guys for your support. I'll let you know how things go. I wish I had more time to sleep, though, I'm working the overnight shift tonight and the afternoon tomorrow, so I won't get much sleep between now and then. Hopefully I won't feel it too much. :yawn:

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