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[FONT=Tahoma]Wow. Okay. I guess I'll just start explaining where I'm at and how I got here. I met Jake when I was 15. He was 20. Before anyone says anything, I KNOW, he's too old for me. I've always been kind of mature for my age, and he was immature for his, so when we met we were at a similar place. We dated for a year and 4 months. In the beginning of our relationship neither of us really liked one another but we still stayed in it. Soon enough we were falling in love and all of that wonderful stuff. I don't really know what changed. We were soo soo soo in love. He used to tell me that he needed me more than air, didn't know what he would do if we ever broke up, and stuff like that. He was my first EVERYTHING, so understandably when we had been dating for 9 months and he broke up with me (a week before Valentines Day!) I was devastated. We "tried to be friends" which was more him keeping me at arm's length in case his mind changed than anything. He would call me at night and tell me how much he loved me, and wanted to get back together, and then the next day changed his mind and wanted to stay broken up (that happened 4 times I think). I basically stalked him, begged and pleaded for him to stay with me, and did everything I could think of to make him want to be with me. Two weeks passed by, and I decided I wanted to get back out there and go on a date with another guy. Two days later Jake called me and wanted to get back together. I didn't really get my hopes up, but I told him to think on it and the next day we "got back together." During our 2 week break he had mentioned to me that he was going to sleep with one of his friends his age (Ashley) who had kissed him one night at a bar. He never did, but I was very hurt by this and it carried on into when we got back together as an ongoing problem.

I KNEW I would never be able to trust him again, I knew it would hurt me more in the end to get back with him, and I knew that he would do it again. But I wouldn't even listen to myself. Those feelings of love came back, along with more intense ones. I told myself this time I wasn't going to take my relationship for granted, and I didn't. He seemed so into me, promised me the world, promised me his love for eternity, went to look for promise rings (because I'm too young to be engaged). He wanted to marry me. And we had some really great times. By the way, Jake is a musician. He has no job at the age of 21, his parents have paid for him to go to college and flunk out 3 times already. He seems to get everything he wants but doesn't work in any way for any of it. I loved him in spite of all of this. I'm not perfect. I can be bitchy just like everyone else, and I have my faults, and I'm a really jealous person, but I would never intentionally hurt anyone, and all I ever did was support him through thick and thin. Well....when August came around again we both went back to school. And everything fell apart. Around august 30th or so he had informed me that he was going to go to come comedy show and dinner with his best friend Katie, Ashley (mentioned above), and some other guy. I got upset and told him that I wasn't going to ask him not to go, but that I wanted him to know that I didn't like it that he was going places with her. A few days later he broke up with me. He told me that he never wanted to see me again, and I haven't spoken to him since.

So then I was stuck with memorabelia from our relationship (I just found some love letters and pictures that I had forgotten about, which is why I'm freaking out right now). I packed everything away. I got in touch with all my friends that I decided I "didn't need because I had him", I got a job, I tried to strengthen my relationship with my family (my brother is coming home tomorrow from state custody and I never see my father), I bought every self-help book I could find, and I tried to "really work on myself and my happiness."

In the first weeks of our break-up, because I couldn't see him or speak to him I did what any crazy person would do and I broke into his email. (I know I shouldn't have, and I haven't done it in a long time since then!) He's been on Adult Friend Finder (which for those of you who don't know, it's a website where people find people to have sex with). He and his ex Amy (who months ago moved back into his town) have been emailing eachother. She was his first everything, and she broke his heart. She also had some weird thing where she pretended she had split personalities, and she was a sl*t (seriously). He "hated her." He also deleted all the emails I sent him that he had saved.

Its been like a month and 2 weeks. So why do I still get overwhelmed? Why do I get depressed at the very thought of him or how he's moving on? I know he's not "right" for me, I know he's moved on, I know I should be moving on, but I just can't seem to let go of how happy I was. And how things used to be. I can't let go of the fact that he "needed me more than air" at some point in time and now he choses every day not to call me. How can he just want nothing to do with me so suddenly? You'd think I killed his dog or something. I'm jealous that he might be sleeping with or even worse dating Ashley, Amy, or some other girl. I shouldn't be, because he's not my boyfriend anymore, but I am. I'm pissed that he doesn't seem to be upset at all that our relationship is over with, and he seems to be moving on just fine (this is more my gut feeling than anything but some of our mutual friends say he's doing fine). I just don't understand ANY of it. I really don't. I'm so confused, and hurt, and I wish he missed me and wanted me back but he doesn't.

The only positive thing I can say right now is that I have something I didn't have when we broke up for those two weeks: my pride. I haven't called him or emailed him or anything since our break(other than the whole breaking into his email thing which doesn't make me proud or anything, it was just a lapse in judgement). But that's not enough. I don't know what happened to make him want to end it. And I have no sense of closure. I constantly want to call him, but I never do. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I just fall to my knees (seriously they buckle underneath me) and cry. I can't get to sleep at night, I constantly have dreams about him, and I just can't seem to get "me" back the way I was. If anyone has any thoughts or anything I'd be very very grateful. I don't know what to do. I would have walked through hell and back for this guy and he never wants to see me again. Sorry for this post being so long and I'm not the best at putting my feelings into words, so if you've gotten this far thanks for reading and please reply. [/FONT]





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