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Relationship Health Message Board

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[QUOTE=Belledin]Well, I really appreciate all your comments! Unfortunately I think you're coming down a little too hard on him. I've probably broken up with him as many times as he has with me. for some reason we have a VERY hard time dealing with the stuff that comes our way, and we both throw in the towel really easily (with each other--we've both had long term relationships with others). then, two weeks or a month later, we're back together with this intense connection. one month after that, we have a huge blowout and break up.

the typical pattern is this--things are OK, then he starts acting "weird"--distant, strange, etc. then we have a "talk" or two, which don't really make me feel any better. then i have a few too many glasses of wine and we get into a screaming crying match where i'm complaining about stuff. then i feel better for having gotten it off my chest, but he withdraws even further. a few days after that, one of us says it's not working and break up. we've pretty much always been in agreement to break up. we really try to stay broken up--we've both dated other people casually. we just have such an incredible connection, and no self control, so we get back together. It's so Mr. Big and Carrie. maybe we BOTH have commitment issues. that's why i was asking for specific behaviors that are associated with commitment phobes.[/QUOTE]

I read your last post very carefully, and I think I might have an idea as to what may be going on. Sometimes, when two people are starting to feel more intimancy than they can handle, they will pull back from the relationship. It's a safety device to keep from being hurt. Everyone does it, both men and women.

When your boyfriend starts to act distant, let him have that distance. Don't fight it. When he comes back and wants to get close again, don't complain, but be very nice. I read that men will pull away when they start feeling really close to someone and that it's very natural.

However, this should only happen in the early stages of becoming intimate. If, after a commitment is made, this problem keeps arising, then I don't think you should waste your time. It sounds like you both do have a fear of intimacy and maybe that is the reason you are drawn to one another.

How long have you been seeing this man? If things don't work out for the better after awhile, then I don't see a future for this relationship. If he keeps leaving and then wants to come back and you keep taking him back, then he knows he can get away with it. Give it one more try, but don't keep trying to do the same thing over and over and expect to get different results.

Good luck!

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