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[QUOTE=goody2shuz]
And why do you have to get rid of the FFWB??? Can't you just be friends??? Do you still do sexual stuff with him??? Does he expect??? Sounds like you just hang out together & talk from what you describe. So why end it....just redifine it. That way you don't lose out on the new friend you have. Everything doesn't have to be black & white....just define what you are and are not comfortale with.
[/QUOTE]

I thought maybe it would be the best thing. No, no more sexual stuff, that ended quite a while ago. But since the ex couldn't go to the party because of me, and since being associated with him seems to keep this stuff going on, I felt it would be best. The ex is his oldest friend, and he should be able to come to this friend's birthday party if he wants to. He wanted to, but she wouldn't let him. I have no idea what the friend told my ex about all this, or what the ex told his wife, but she's obviously very threatened by me. So I figured if I take myself out of the picture, I can send the message that I'm not trying to uproot or disturb their marriage, I just wanted answers, but there aren't any, or at least none that make me feel any better. I feel if he ever really cared about me at all, as a friend and a fellow human being, he'd at least apologize for all the borderline abusive stuff that went on. I'm simply not strong enough to feel good about it all and leave it behind and "know" I didn't deserve it blah blah blah without hearing him say he's sorry. I need that to even start to get past this. But I will never have that. So I feel at a loss as to what to do now.

Iv'e been trying to keep my eyes on the future for the last 8 years. It came, but there just wasn't anything to it. Don't forget, for the five years after our break up, I did my best to "move on" and focus on the future. I spent at least 2 nights a week every week in clubs playing shows or open mikes. I tried two different dating services, phone line things, before on line dating got to be what it is today, I smiled, laughed, schmoozed as much as possible, nothing. It was when I discovered he had married that this all sort of started crashing in on me. I guess I hadn't really let go as much as I thought I had. But if you have some magic formula of "letting go" of the only love you ever knew, the only intimacy you ever knew, the pseron you considered your best friend and soul mate, when you have nothing to replace it with, and be just fine with four walls, lean cuisine, nick at night and walking the dog when you used to have nights out, laughter, holding hands, intimacy, physical and emotional, etcetc, then please tell me what it is.

I feel worse than I have in a long long time.





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