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[QUOTE=Hiya]Well, not that I really owe you an explanation, but I've only been physically intimate with two men my entire life, and I never had actual intercourse with either of them. The first was my ex, who I loved, who I thought would be my only lover and who I thought I would marry. Six years later, after not being touched by a man for all that time, and finding out my ex had married the TTE, I reconnected with the mutual friend, who I never had any serious romantic or relationshp inclinations toward, but there was a physical chemistry, and I knew he had always been attracted to me. In an attempt to escape the pain and to try to forget the memory of the intimacy I had with my ex, I fooled around a couple of times with the mutual friend, who I had known for 10 YEARS, NOT just some guy I picked up in a bar half an hour ago. and each time, I cried during from the emptiness and loneliness. Once I realized physical contact with him did nothing to lessen the pain or the loneliness I had been feeling, I ended the physical aspect of our relationship, despite having the misfortune of being born a passionate, visceral person with an extremely high sex drive. I would rather spend my days so frustrated and miserable it's physically painful than compromise my values again. I am quite clear, in fact way TOO clear, on what kind of person I am and what kind of SO I want to be with. I want to be with a man who loves God, who has only had one or two lovers in his history, who would love me enough to be faithful and devoted to me, who wants to make a home and a family with me, i.e. the kind of man my ex's wife gets to be with. I want to be the woman I am, momentary indescretion due to blinding physical and emotional pain aside, virtuous, faithful, devoted, having only one lover in my life, my whole life, family oriented soccer mom with the cookies and milk when the kids get home and dinner with the hubby every night, with a man who would appreciate it, i.e., the kind of woman my ex's wife gets to be. The problem is not my being confused about what I want or who I want to be. The problem is, I don't get to have what I want, and I don't get to be who I want to be.[/QUOTE]


Nini, is what you want at all negotiable? As you know, we have some things strongly in common (such as what you said about being passionate with a high sex drive) and have other significant differences...I'm a little worried that part of the problem for you might be that who you are and what you're ideally looking for in a relationship might not be compatible. For instance, if you're only going to have one lover, I'd assume that you'd want him to be quite talented in bed, right? It would be pretty frustrating and unsatisfying to hold out and sleep with only one partner and then have him turn out to be clueless or just plain bad in bed. Unfortunately, some men just are, and the vast majority of bad lovers are those with little to no sexual experience. We differ in that while like you, I'd be okay with eventually settling down with one partner, assuming he was a good match for me, unlike you, I've always been excited to sleep with a lot of different people. From those experiences, it's pretty clear to me that the more experience someone has with sex (both in terms of the total sexual encounters and the number of different partners they've had), the more likely they are to be able to thoroughly satisfy their partners. Guys who have only had one or a few partners are almost invariably lacking in sexual talent, with the exception of a few who I dated early on, but then I slept with them each hundreds of times, so while they ended up being pretty amazing lovers, but then they also had a lot of experience compared to other guys despite only having been with one girl. Also, the vast majority of people with sexual hangups and inhibitions are likely to be religious, so you might want to consider relaxing that requirement. Besides tending to be great in bed, people without strong religious beliefs are rarely judgmental or hypocritical when it comes to sex (as your ex turned out to be when it came to his views on religion, birth control and premarital sex). And also, by steering clear of guys who like smoking pot, you are leaving only the most uptight men in your dating pool, not to mention the fact that men who smoke pot (even if they only used to or only do occasionally) are inevitably skillful and sensual lovers compared to those who don't--there's not even a contest.

I'd really hate to see you rule out otherwise great potential prospects because they have at least a decent amount of sexual experience, aren't religious, and/or smoke pot, as I highly doubt there'd be very many good partners left to choose from. And if you did find someone who fit this criteria who was still single, I'm very worried that it'd be nearly inevitable that in this day and age, he'd nearly inevitably be unable to satisfy you sexually. I know that it's important to have principles, but I would strongly suggest that you be flexible about considering men who don't exactly conform to your standards. I think most people who find great partners end up surprised that in at least a few ways, these partners don't live up to their original expectations and requirements. I've always vigorously avoided guys who smoke cigarettes, for instance, yet several of the men I've loved most were smokers when I met them and though I insisted they quit, not all were able to do so completely successfully, which had little effect on their ability to be wonderful, loving boyfriends. Looking back, I wish I'd been a lot less rigid about what I wouldn't tolerate in a potential partner--physical standards are one thing, as you just can't talk yourself into being attracted to someone by being flexible if you're not naturally drawn to them. Compromise and an open mind are two very good things when it comes to searching for someone to love, and I hope you retain a little bit of hope, at least, that the right guy could still come along and be amenable to giving him a chance even if he doesn't fit the ideal partner you described above.

I agree completely with you that guys will pursue us if they are truly interested, and itís not in my nature either to be the aggressor, but Iíd caution you against adhering to that principle too rigidly. Itís one thing to be strict about such rules if youíre getting all the dates you want and 100% happy with your love life, but if not, itís a good idea to shake things up a bit, try something different, and relax your approach somewhat. Keep in mind that while guys generally like to do the chasing once dating starts, they are often just as nervous and reticent about making the first move as even the shyest women are. So slipping your phone number to the limo driver, in my view, wouldnít have been a mistake at allóif you think about it from his perspective, heís probably thinking that youíd never consider dating the hired help or worried that youíd be offended that he was trying to take advantage of his position if he asked you out or acted at all unprofessionally toward you. Slipping him your number would have been a risk-free proposition, since at worst he wouldnít call, and his attitude suggests professionalism and restraint, not a lack of interest in you. But even if he wasnít into you, what do you have to lose? Assuming that or anything else negative only deprives yourself of chances before you even get a shot, and since I get the sense that you feel you canít get much lonelier and sadder as long as youíre single, what do you have to lose by taking the pressure off a guy by making a subtle first move that shows your interest and leaves the ball in his court? I also agree with Soulster about the guy at work, assuming you find him at least somewhat physically appealing. It sounds like your main objections otherwise are his use of tobacco and pot, but trust me that if you avoid all men who use or have used those substances, you will be ruling out a large number of brilliant, talented, caring, wonderful men without ever really giving them a fair chance. If you just donít like him, thatís one thing, but if thatís not the case, I think Soulster might be quite right about the benefits of giving him another chance. At worst, itíd be some additional dating experience, which is always valuable, as well as a confidence boost for you to go out with a man whoís obviously very into you. Anyway, I donít mean to lecture you or criticize your approach to dating; I only want to see you happy and having fun with good company, and I think staying positive and open to guys who donít fit your usual dating criteria is the best way to accomplish that. Please try to hang in there and donít give up completely, OK? Thereís always the chance that the perfect man for you is just around the corner (I definitely hope he is and that heís not too many corners away from you)!





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