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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=stacykgb20]Guys who have only had one or a few partners are almost invariably lacking in sexual talent, with the exception of a few who I dated early on, but then I slept with them each hundreds of times, so while they ended up being pretty amazing lovers, but then they also had a lot of experience compared to other guys despite only having been with one girl. [/QUOTE]

Exactly. There are certain things a woman can teach, and you taught these guys. A man being a great lover is not nearly as important as a man who loves me, wants to please me, and is open to my needs and compromise. Although these inexperienced men you slept with were bad in bed at first, you became sexually acclamated over time, as most couples do, and they were able to please you. When there's respect and love and compromise, to me that's worth far more than a guy who's banged a lot of women he didn't love, not to mention most likely has herpes or HPV. Pot is also a non-negotiable, I'm afraid. It's a criminal activity, and studies have shown that pot smokers are just as susceptible if not moreso to lung cancer, they think because pot smokers hold the smoke in their lungs longer than cigarette smokers. Plus, I get drug tested for work, and I don't need to getting a contact high and getting busted at work. I wouldn't object to a guy who maybe used it occasionally in his past, but a present pot smoker, no, out of the question. The guy at work, no, these aren't the only reasons why I don't think he's dating material. He's just not stable or settled enough, and although he's nice to me, there's just no chemistry.

Religion is another thing I just can't give on. He doesn't have to be a bible thumping, Bush-loving, Dr. James Dobson quoting fundamentalist, in fact that would turn me off. But a firm belief in something greater than him, a belief in a moral structure to the universe, and some sort of sense of Jesus and why we celebrate His birth, yes, that's necessary for any man who will be the father of my children. I could never raise children with a man who didn't have some kind of faith.

[QUOTE=stacykgb20]...as I highly doubt there'd be very many good partners left to choose from. [/QUOTE]

Exactly. Which is why it hurts so badly to feel this door slam in my face for good. I really doubt there's anyone else out there for me.

Anyway, I have to accept the way my life unfolds. If I do end all contact with my friend, I will lose contact with the women I have been forming a friendship with, one in particular, who I do feel a connection to as a friend, but still don't know well enough to associate with her outside the context of our mutual friendship with my friend. If that relationship ends, I'll probably never see her again. I'll have no one to go out with or go to clubs with or whatever, except my brother, who is a big, Geraldo Rivera -looking guy whom everyone assumes is my boyfriend or husband. How am I going to flirt it up with guys in that situation? I'm screwed, or at least sure feel like it now. But the ex probably went to his wife and made me out to be some sort of stalker type hell bend on making trouble for them, so it's turned into this stupid high school stuff, "well, you can't go if she's going to be there, well, let's see, nini's going to be there so I can't invite the ex, well I want the ex to be at this event so I can't tell nini about it" and it's just so stupid. I tried to rise above it, but she would have none of it, so it's best if I just take myself out of the picture. I just wanted answers, why I deserved to be yelled at, called names, to have the church kneeler slammed down on my leg, without so much as an apology. When he left me I told him it wasn't losing a lover that was so bad, but losing my best friend that was killing me, and he said I wasn't, that I would always have that. I guess that was just another lie.

No, it's pretty clear to me that what I should do now, at least for a while, is just keep to my business, keep my head down, work my job, come home, hang out with my dog, and leave it at that. I obviously brought this on myself, and I can't fix it. I don't fully understand why I deserve to be so alone and so unhappy, but I guess I do.
[QUOTE=opielonghorn]let me rephrase, then. the positive will ULTIMATELY always win. yes, a few doors may be slammed in your face in the process. maybe 99 out of 100 will be slammed, all in a row. but that one door will not be slammed, and that's why it's such a simple concept. if you keep trying, then eventually you will succeed. that woman didn't want to talk to you? move onto the next. someone doesn't hire you for a job? apply for another one. the beauty of life is that there are a million paths to take and a million ways to change.

you've said yourself that you have spent the last eight years hung up on the breakup and your ex-boyfriend. if this mindset hasn't worked for you yet, why not change it? why not open your mind and your heart to everyone's advice here, instead of instantly formulating a defensive response? there must be a reason that more than one person here has offered you the same information. positivity breeds positivity, just as a child can't grow up with a positive outlook if he has negative influences.[/QUOTE]

I really agree with thisÖI donít mean to be critical, Nini, but it seems that a lot of your responses zero in on specific details of othersí posts that you can refute almost as if to prove your theory that youíve done all you can and that love and happiness just isnít in the cards for you. No one who knows and loves you here is willing to accept that and give up hope, but I sure wish that you could put the energy and intellect you dedicate to defending your position on minor issues that come up in posts into opening your mind to the positive, big-picture kind of advice and trying your best to put some of those optimistic suggestions into practice. In some ways, Iím sure itís easier to resign yourself to your current situation rather than get your hopes up that some new effort will make a difference in your level of contentment and risk being let down, but focusing on your negative experiences isnít helping. It seems like a lot of the same bad memories come up over and over again in your posts (the girl who was mean about the Queen concert, the boys who beat you up on the playground, your ex-best friend being unsympathetic and fading out of your life following your breakup with your ex, and of course, amazingly detailed recollections of a large selection of moments during which your ex failed to show you the love and respect we all deserve from our partners).

While no one deserves to go through such painful experiences, there are people who have had as bad or worse ordeals in their past who still manage to remain optimistic and hopeful, choosing to focus on the positive aspects of their life rather than the negative. You express this so eloquently in your posts to others, most recently memorably in your replies to cinting, yet you seem to have difficulty applying your excellent advice to your own life and outlook. And you do have some positive experiences with others, who demonstrate interest in dating you and/or being your friend, but the hurtful experiences seem front and center in your mind. To some degree at least, you do have a choice as to what you choose to think about, dwell on, and let influence your future outlook. You have so many appealing qualities and so much to offer a partner that I bet weíd all be pleasantly surprised at how much success youíd have with men if you could open yourself up to even a bit more optimism and positivity, as well as opening yourself up to possibilities you might not consider if youíre not feeling that hopeful. What you said about us both potentially missing out on great guys due to our standards is definitely true, but the difference is that Iím not feeling stuck and unhappy with life as a result of having difficulty meeting men who fit my expectations with whom Iíve been able to build satisfying relationships. Itís only when your current approach and criteria arenít ceding your desired results that itís important to be open to trying something different or adjusting what youíre looking for. And Iím not talking about settling for some guy who doesnít wow you just for the sake of security and companionship, as I know and completely agree with the way you feel about such partnerships. I just mean that for all you know, your ideal guy might have some skeletons in his closet that you wouldnít approve of if you knew about them, but if heíd make you happy permanently, why should that stuff matter and why should you even know those kinds of details about his past? I just really think that you have more power to eliminate negativity from your life than you acknowledge, and that maybe if you evaluated some of the advice youíve received with a more positive outlook, youíd find that itís actually helpful if you give it a shot. Even if you arenít open to trying new things right now, Iíd still suggest that you reread your old threads, with an eye to possibly helpful suggestions and to spotting and excising any kneejerk type negative reactions from your current mindset. Iíd suggest giving Opieís last post some more thought, and please keep in mind that no one wants to be critical, we only want to support you and see you happy.
[QUOTE=Hiya] But to give my body, my heart and soul, trust and love to someone, the one person in the whole world I ever thought I could really trust, the only person I thought I could finally rely on to not hurt me, thinking he would cherish and value it all, and to believ him when he says he loves me, I'm his best friend and always will be, etc etc, and to find out it was all a lie and he thought I was just some little chippie to be lied to and used, then laughed about with his friends afterward, I don't know how I'm supposed to not care about that.[/QUOTE]

that's the hard part. when my boyfriend and i broke up a year ago, i thought the same thing. how could this person, who told me i was the ONLY one he could talk to, how we would ALWAYS know each other, want to end the relationship? the fact of the matter is, he was and probably still is a very confused person. it doesn't mean that he was insincere when he said those things. at the time, he probably meant them. but sometimes things change, and people's feelings change. that's just life. and i seriously doubt that my ex (or your ex, for that matter) is mocking you at all. and if he is, so what? what does that matter to you? basically, you're supposed to not care about it because caring about it has only brought you heartache. time for a new approach. i told my ex my biggest, most embarrassing secret, and he could be laughing about it with his next twenty girlfriends for all i care. it doesn't change who i am, or how i live my life. i don't hate him, and i wish good things for him in the future, despite his less-than-honorable behavior towards the end. it's easy for me to forgive because everyone makes mistakes, and my behavior was not always what it should have been, either. nobody is perfect. forgive him, forgive yourself, and stop obsessing over what he's laughing about or not laughing about, or how happy or unhappy his marriage may be. it doesn't matter.





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