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Just to update you guys on what happened...

I walked into the party, anxious and nervous as to what I might find. But ex wasn't there, but other people showed up, and we sang and danced and had a nice time, and I figured ex decided for whatever reason to skip it. I was going to just go home, but then FFWB and some of the other party members had a limo take them to a nearby club, so I decided to go with them, what the heck, I thought. I'd never been in a limo before, thought it would be fun. I then made the mistake of bringing it up. I said to the FFWB "so ex wimped out, huh?" and he told me that he spoke to him on the phone and had a nice,positive conversation with ex and he said he wanted to go, thought it would be fun, but it would "cause conflict" with the TTE, so he passed. Why she would care that some girl would be there who her husband dated for a while 8 years ago, I don't know, but ex was fine with knowing his place as her husband, and not upsetting her at any cost. I don't know why I didn't deserve the same courtesy when I was his girlfriend, when he blatantly gawked at other women, even verbally commented on them out loud, and why he still wore the gold bracelet his ex girlfriend gave him, and if I said anything about it, he would get mad at me.

I think maybe I was hoping to find some sort of evidence that he in fact did care at least a little about me and cared that I was hurting so badly, but the truth is, he never though I deserved the kind of respect and reverence he gives his wife, and feels nothing whatsoever regarding how his lies and manipulations have hurt me.

I think it's true, happiness can't be found looking back. That period of my life was the only time I felt I came even close to having a happy, normal life, but it just wasn't meant to be. As sad as it makes me, I think I should leave everything about that part of my life behind me. I know I've kept threatening to break off all contact with the FFWB, and I have curtailed it, but now I think I should just stick to heating up a Lean Cuisine, tv, and crying myself to sleep, and a movie by myself on the weekend. I can't fix the past, and there's nothing to indicate the future could be any better. I obviously don't deserve anything more.

There was another girl at the party who had just broken up with her boyfriend, the pretty blond I mentioned in a past post, and she was very sad, so I focused a lot of energy on her and trying to make her feel better, and she seemed very appreciative, so I guess the evening wasn't a total loss.

Thanks for all of you who hung in there with me all week. I wish I had some sort of positive epiphany to report, but in a way, I guess I did come to some kind of realization. I have to close this door, once and for all, even if it means being miserable for the rest of my life. I feel like I will never be happy unless and until I can fix this somehow, but I've been miserable and heartbroken in my efforts to fix it, so I may as well just let it be and have a long, lingering sadness instead of a sadness that keeps renewing itself.
[QUOTE=stacykgb20]Guys who have only had one or a few partners are almost invariably lacking in sexual talent, with the exception of a few who I dated early on, but then I slept with them each hundreds of times, so while they ended up being pretty amazing lovers, but then they also had a lot of experience compared to other guys despite only having been with one girl. [/QUOTE]

Exactly. There are certain things a woman can teach, and you taught these guys. A man being a great lover is not nearly as important as a man who loves me, wants to please me, and is open to my needs and compromise. Although these inexperienced men you slept with were bad in bed at first, you became sexually acclamated over time, as most couples do, and they were able to please you. When there's respect and love and compromise, to me that's worth far more than a guy who's banged a lot of women he didn't love, not to mention most likely has herpes or HPV. Pot is also a non-negotiable, I'm afraid. It's a criminal activity, and studies have shown that pot smokers are just as susceptible if not moreso to lung cancer, they think because pot smokers hold the smoke in their lungs longer than cigarette smokers. Plus, I get drug tested for work, and I don't need to getting a contact high and getting busted at work. I wouldn't object to a guy who maybe used it occasionally in his past, but a present pot smoker, no, out of the question. The guy at work, no, these aren't the only reasons why I don't think he's dating material. He's just not stable or settled enough, and although he's nice to me, there's just no chemistry.

Religion is another thing I just can't give on. He doesn't have to be a bible thumping, Bush-loving, Dr. James Dobson quoting fundamentalist, in fact that would turn me off. But a firm belief in something greater than him, a belief in a moral structure to the universe, and some sort of sense of Jesus and why we celebrate His birth, yes, that's necessary for any man who will be the father of my children. I could never raise children with a man who didn't have some kind of faith.

[QUOTE=stacykgb20] I highly doubt there'd be very many good partners left to choose from. [/QUOTE]

Exactly. Which is why it hurts so badly to feel this door slam in my face for good. I really doubt there's anyone else out there for me.

Anyway, I have to accept the way my life unfolds. If I do end all contact with my friend, I will lose contact with the women I have been forming a friendship with, one in particular, who I do feel a connection to as a friend, but still don't know well enough to associate with her outside the context of our mutual friendship with my friend. If that relationship ends, I'll probably never see her again. I'll have no one to go out with or go to clubs with or whatever, except my brother, who is a big, Geraldo Rivera -looking guy whom everyone assumes is my boyfriend or husband. How am I going to flirt it up with guys in that situation? I'm screwed, or at least sure feel like it now. But the ex probably went to his wife and made me out to be some sort of stalker type hell bend on making trouble for them, so it's turned into this stupid high school stuff, "well, you can't go if she's going to be there, well, let's see, nini's going to be there so I can't invite the ex, well I want the ex to be at this event so I can't tell nini about it" and it's just so stupid. I tried to rise above it, but she would have none of it, so it's best if I just take myself out of the picture. I just wanted answers, why I deserved to be yelled at, called names, to have the church kneeler slammed down on my leg, without so much as an apology. When he left me I told him it wasn't losing a lover that was so bad, but losing my best friend that was killing me, and he said I wasn't, that I would always have that. I guess that was just another lie.

No, it's pretty clear to me that what I should do now, at least for a while, is just keep to my business, keep my head down, work my job, come home, hang out with my dog, and leave it at that. I obviously brought this on myself, and I can't fix it. I don't fully understand why I deserve to be so alone and so unhappy, but I guess I do.

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