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Re: I am crushed...
Oct 18, 2005
Thanks guys for the support, and I know deep down that you are right. I know that if he loved me the way I love him, there would be nothing that would keep him away from me, and nothing would stand in the way of us working our problems out. I do know that regardless of what has happened our problems have stemmed from his treatment of me during our relationship. He had the power to stop it a long time ago, and he didn't, and I had the power to walk away long before I did, and I didn't. Anyways, I know that if he wanted us to be together the way he said, and I know how much I would love to work this out, we would. We both would accept responsibility for our mistakes, his while we were together, and me after we were apart. I know you guys are right about the door being closed, and if he wants to keep it closed there is nothing I can do about it. Just like this morning, I couldn't make him answer the phone or come to the door, so I walked away, full of pain and humiliation. No matter what he has ever done to me, I could never not talk to him when he tried to talk to me, I never did, I could never do some of the things that he has done, like ignore me, not answer my calls, call the law on me, just basically make me feel like I didn't deserve anything better. Somehow I am going to have to accept that it doesn't matter that I would do anything to make this work for us, he won't, and probably never would. My mind is saying that guys, my heart knows it is just a bunch of bull****! I'm not okay, and I honestly don't know how to even begin to be ok.

This is a little off subject. I have a friend who I talk to on the phone sometimes. I know that he wants to go out, and he knows that I don't want to, he knows that I want to be friends, and I am not ready to go out. What do you guys think? Should I go out as friends, I won't even do that? I guess one reason I haven't is because I am scared that my ex will hear and think that I am moving on, and he wouldn't even care that we were only friends. I mean, why did he call just last week and ask if I had been out with anyone?

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