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Relationship Health Message Board

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Re: I am crushed...
Oct 20, 2005
Hi Scotty, not to jump in and change the topic, but for what it's worth, I really don't think you should pursue your ex any further. From what I remember, she's the one you've had difficulty getting off your mind for quite some time now...she's had plenty of time to shape up and make her interest known if she had any real intentions of reconciling with you. I gather she was the one to end the relationship? Do you know if she's been dating or been in a relationship with anyone (or more than one guy) since you two split up? It sounds to me like she most likely enjoys the attention and gets an ego boost out of knowing that you're still not quite over her (believe me, girls can tell, and they love the feeling of having guys pining over them but staying just out of reach). But as I said, if she wanted to be with you again, she would have done more than flirt by now...I think she is leading you on and toying with your emotions, so it would not be in your best interests to let her succeed in getting your hopes up. You guys broke up for a reason, and unless that reason gets completely resolved and you are both really eager and committed to making your relationship work after giving it another shot, pursuing an ex is only setting yourself up for eventual disappointment and delaying your healing process.

Getting back to cinting and hiya and the topic of this thread, having gone through a really devestating breakup not so long ago myself, I think that it's absolutely essential to come to terms with the fact that things didn't, and will not ever, work out because of factors outside our control and to give up any lingering hopes or convictions that our exes were "the ones" for us and that somehow we might end up together again. We are only short-changing ourselves and impeding our ability to get on with our lives, heal, date again, and eventually find more lasting love and partners with whom we are more compatible. Shutting the door on the past once and for all is incredibly difficult, especially for sensitive people prone to depression, pessimism, and blaming themselves for things that go wrong in their lives, particularly when their exes have been emotionally abusive and systematically deconstructed their self-esteem in order to be able to manipulate them as cinting and hiya's exes both did. You are two incredibly bright, unique, loving women who deserve men who would never dream of making you unhappy, let alone deliberately abusing you and making a concerted effort to chisel away at your senses of self's like they don't want you and they are happy to move on, but they are too selfish and special to wish the same for you and instead somehow get off on knowing that you are still pining away for them and unable to get on with your lives and find happiness. That is really awful of them, and terribly tragic for you ladies, and I hope soooo much that you are both able to overcome the lingering spells your exes seem to have cast on you and escape from the thoughts of self-loathing they have planted in your minds. These men just aren't even remotely worth your tears, because as they say, the man who will be worth your tears would be horrified and grief-stricken at the prospect of making you cry. I get the feeling both of your exes, by contrast, got a sick thrill out of making you guys cry, and I just hope it isn't long before you meet men as kind and caring as you both are and experience the joy of being with partners who love you more than themselves and would do anything and everything in their power to ensure you never felt sad or disappointed, especially not because of anything they did! I've been very very fortunate to have had nothing but really great, loving boyfriends in this and other important respects, and it is truly wonderful to have someone love you unconditionally and so tenderly. The way to find and attain this sort of love is to believe, with no doubts whatsoever, that you deserve nothing less and not to settle for anything less. Your exes have left you quite a challenge to overcome since they seriously damaged your self esteem and concepts of what kind of love you're worthy of, but I just know you can overcome their selfish and cruel influences and find the kind of healthy, wholehearted love that makes you finally see all the ways your exes were deficient, manipulative, and vengeful and that such love finally makes you forget all about those loser jerks. Please don't give up until that happens!!

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