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Re: I am crushed...
Oct 19, 2005
I had went to his house one day to try to talk to him and he was very rude. He wouldn't talk hardly, all he would say was things like "I opened the door for the devil to him, because my being around me brought all these feelings of confusion, anger, resentment and jealousy and those are feelings of the devil", and that I was "living the life of a W****", I could not enter his house because "it had been anointed", and more. Anyways, I was doing what I showed him I was best at, crying, asking him to forgive me for being with someone else after I broke it off with him and I wouldn't leave wanting him to talk to me, so he called the law and they came to his house. Thanks for all the kind words, I still feel like I have brought this on myself and I should have stuck by him when he said he had changed and wanted a chance to show me, now I will never get that chance and I will be alone the rest of my life.[/QUOTE]

Cinting, is there at least a tiny part of you that reads this post and can see what a loony tune your ex was? First of all, how dare he say you were living the life of a you know what just because you saw someone else while you were broken up. Not letting you in his house because it had been "anointed" and whatnot, c'mon cinting. This guy is nuts. Religion is one thing, being devout is one thing, but to carry it to such a degree. What you are failing to see is this guy is not truly religious. People who truly strive to keep the Lord in their heart have compassion and tolerence. Do you remember my post to you about the song Three Wooden Crosses? You are not broken up because you strayed from God and the path or righteousness and turned him against you. You are not together because he's an emotionally unstable man who never really loved you and used the Lord as excuses to treat you badly. I can see it because I go through the same thought patters you do, except my ex wasn't nearly as crazy as yours is. But he laid down all these rules and laws for me to follow, smacked me down whenever I crossed the line, kept moving the line, then dumped me and went off with some woman who is everything he said he would never want. I know it hurts. It really hurt me that he wouldn't come the party knowing I'd be there. At first, it made me feel like I'm this awful, wh**ish temptress just ready and waiting to bring the devil himself into their marriage and tear it assunder and send them both to hell forever. It really hurt. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized, the truth is, he treated her so much better than he ever treated me. He treated the girlfriend he had before me so much better than me. I was the only one he didn't sleep with, the only one he broke up with, the only one he never really loved, etc. Even if did have all these adulterous intentions to wreck their marriage, I clearly couldn't. I don't have the power. The only way I could have any affect on their marriage at all is if he had ever had any real feelings for me, which he didn't. He openly ogled and commented on and gawked at other women right in front of me, wore the bracelet his ex gave him and never took it off, etc. Flirted with the pretty friend of the lead singer in his band, and if I dared to say anything about any of that, he would get furious with me, saying he didn't want to hear about it, yet he is glad to refrain from going to his oldest friend's birthday party because she would get upset. Now, I just think it's a shame that she doesn't really know or appreciate what a loving, devoted, loyal husband she has. As angry as I get at him still sometimes, he had his bad moments and could be even borderline abusive, but he tried to be a really good man, and I have no doubt whatsoever that he is a wonderful husband and stepfather, and I feel bad for him that he has a wife who doesn't know what she has to be able to trust him enough to be around me without freaking out that he's going to be "stolen" or to know that he's a good person and would never waste two years of his life on some slutty crazy bimbo who would wreck his marriage, that he wouldn't have dated me for two whole years if I weren't a God-fearing, decent woman. Especially since it's most likely due to me in large part that he is such a good husband to her. He learned a lot about how to treat women from me. But for some reason he didn't want to apply it to me. I don't know why I wasn't fit to love, I don't know why he is basically a good man but didn't see me as worthy of honesty or decency or respect, but I do know that I'm a good person. I'm not perfect, but I tried the best I knew how, and if I'm going to err, I try to err on the side of compassion. My ex didn't dump me because I wasn't righteous enough, he dumped me because he just didn't love me. And it's the same for you. Please don't tear yourself up anymore thinking there was something you could have done or said that would have made him stay. You have to trust me on this, there isn't. He would have left no matter what. which probably doesn't make you feel a whole lot better, but please at least know that you didn't mess up. There was nothing you could have done. You just weren't the one he wanted, not because you weren't good enough, but because you just weren't. Even if you did do things that you wish you hadn't done, it's not your fault. I know it hurts and when something hurts that bad, you want to blame someone, even yourself for why it went wrong. I'm sitting here listening to Keith Urban's song Memories of Us, and it's killing me. It's a knife in my heart every time I hear that song or one like it, knowing I'll never get to have anyone feel that way about me, and the only man I've ever loved feels that way about someone else and never did about me. It's hell. But it doesn't have to be anyone's fault, least of all yours.

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