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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Re: He disappeared.
Oct 18, 2005
Oh no Red, that is so mean and cold of him! I am so so sorry to hear how everything turned out--you deserve so much better than that kind of treatment. He's clearly a cowardly jerk who isn't worthy of your time or attention, but I'm sure that doesn't much help you feel better right now. Please don't let this one guy negate all the gains you've made in terms of moving on and learning to open your heart again...just because he turned out to be a loser doesn't mean all guys are or that it's not worth the risk to take a chance on getting close to the next guy you find and like. The important thing is that you have done a really admirable job of getting over the snake and have successfully opened yourself up to a new man, regardless of how things turned out. I know it's especially hurtful because this sounds like your first relationship since the snake, but there are so many other fish in the sea that it would be tragic if you let this setback turn you off of dating entirely. Please remember that the vast majority of budding relationships don't last that long and that few people are mature and tactful enough to break things off in a considerate manner. This is his loss and doesn't reflect negatively on you in any way, so please don't take it personally and get down on yourself over some guy who isn't even remotely worth your tears. Men come and go but you've clearly learned a lot about yourself and made a lot of progress in terms of growing more confident and independent over the last year...no jerk guy can take that away from you or erode what you've achieved, so please try to stay focused on all your positive qualities and don't allow two losers in a row to sour you on men as a whole. There are plenty of sweet guys out there who would love to date you, and it would be a shame for you and them to miss out on the potential to be very happy together because of the snake and the cowardly loser! I'm not saying you have to go right back out and start dating again, as I know this hurts, and I certainly don't mean to minimize the pain you're feeling. Unfortunately, a lot can go astray in the early stages of dating when few people feel obligated to be exclusive with someone they are seeing...in some ways, I think it's for the best that you found out this guy wasn't nearly good enough for you sooner rather than later and aren't kept hanging wondering what is going on. You know now that your instincts are correct and since every dating ordeal is a valuable learning experience, when you are feeling better, you can go back out in the dating pool and find the next fish with more confidence and wisdom than ever :). In the meantime, don't feel badly about moping around and mourning for awhile...now is the time to be a very good friend to yourself, spoil and pamper yourself, and most importantly, remind yourself that it's all his fault and his loss whenever you start to feel down or bad about yourself. Hang in there, RDB, as I know it won't be long until things are looking up again for a great, strong woman like you!
Re: He disappeared.
Oct 20, 2005
Don't you just hate the thought of starting over though, with someone new. It takes so much work, time and effort. I find it exhausting. It's like you go through the same routine over and over again until magic, you found one that you really like then he bails. I dread the thought of having to start from scratch. Another thing that is messing with my mind is that he was one of these guys that thought I was "perfect" and on and on. Apparently, I wasn't perfect and he got turned off enough to dump me. So, I keep wondering what went wrong and scared that I will repeat it in future relationships. I'm not having the best of luck when it comes to guys.

Believe it or not, a guy contacted me about a date on Saturday and I don't know what to do. Honestly, I'm very afraid of getting back out there. I'm afraid that I'm a train wreck when it comes to dating. I must be doing something wrong. I just caught up on Greeneye's thread and several girls there said when you meet the right guy, no need for games. I believe that and I'm totally against games. I've always been like, take me as I am. Maybe that's not good enough. Maybe I need to play it differently. I don't know.

This guy who asked me out on Saturday sounds a bit shallow and that really turns me off in a lot of ways but given my mood and the fact that I have just been dumped, I think I may go for it, simply to get out of the house.

How much do you reveal about yourself during those first few dates? I think I have a tendency to tell too much; to reveal too much history. I guess I'm just doubting myself quite a lot right now.
Re: He disappeared.
Oct 20, 2005
Be yourself and let life take it's course. Go on the "date" on Saturday night with Mr. Shallow - maybe you find out that he's not but it's just an act.
Men too get hurt and put up a Front - to either turn woman off because they too don't want to get hurt or just to attract woman who like these types.

Always keep first dates simple - talk about likes and dislikes, fun you have had in the past doing whatever you have enjoyed so far. Never discuss ex's, being dumped, hurt feelings. BUT, feel free to talk about things that annoy you :D

Most importantly, don't think of this guy or any future dates as your NEXT soul mate or husband, go on the "date" as going out with a friend. Getting to know a new friend in your life.

After all, don't we woman always talk about finding that RIGHT MAN, not just for the sex, husband, provider, but also for friendship.

With my own situation with my husband, He's also my friend. I love to hang with him - I love being with him. It didn't happen over night tough. When I went on my first date with him - my attitude was just what I said, A new Friend. We began dating, I wasn't Afraid, second date we went snowmobling and I fell of the snowmoblie, I wasn't embrassed - and I looked like a Big Snow Ball :eek: Imagine to when we joined a gym together - after only a month of dating - watching him sweat was a TURN OFF to me (maybe I'm shallow? :rolleyes: ) But, I still liked him and liked hanging with him.
When we hosted our "frist" cookout party - three months into our relationship I knew HE was the one and he did too. We had my family, his family, my friends, and his friends - we clicked well together. The fact that he had three children from a 15 year marriage was also a concern for me, who wants THAT. LOL, but my point is....You don't know who you will end up with or marry. Everyone deserves a chance, so take steps to enhance your life by getting out there - you protect your heart by allowing yourself to enjoy yourself, others around you, weed out jerks - you are better without them and the sooner you find out the better so you can continue to enjoy life with others.
Re: He disappeared.
Oct 20, 2005
[QUOTE=reddoorblack]Don't you just hate the thought of starting over though, with someone new. It takes so much work, time and effort. I find it exhausting. It's like you go through the same routine over and over again until magic, you found one that you really like then he bails. I dread the thought of having to start from scratch. Another thing that is messing with my mind is that he was one of these guys that thought I was "perfect" and on and on. Apparently, I wasn't perfect and he got turned off enough to dump me. So, I keep wondering what went wrong and scared that I will repeat it in future relationships. I'm not having the best of luck when it comes to guys.

Believe it or not, a guy contacted me about a date on Saturday and I don't know what to do. Honestly, I'm very afraid of getting back out there. I'm afraid that I'm a train wreck when it comes to dating. I must be doing something wrong. I just caught up on Greeneye's thread and several girls there said when you meet the right guy, no need for games. I believe that and I'm totally against games. I've always been like, take me as I am. Maybe that's not good enough. Maybe I need to play it differently. I don't know.

This guy who asked me out on Saturday sounds a bit shallow and that really turns me off in a lot of ways but given my mood and the fact that I have just been dumped, I think I may go for it, simply to get out of the house.

How much do you reveal about yourself during those first few dates? I think I have a tendency to tell too much; to reveal too much history. I guess I'm just doubting myself quite a lot right now.[/QUOTE]

I think it's really important to remain somewhat mysterious during the first stages of dating. I have always made the mistake of opening myself up too much too soon. Dating is really an ordeal, but I truly believe it is very much like a "dance". YOu need to give a little, but not too much, and only give of yourself when a man seems to be interested in you. Don't waste your time with men who don't want you. Cyber hugs!!!!
Re: He disappeared.
Oct 21, 2005
[QUOTE=holst]Thanks for the reply, Reddoor. Wow, we do have stuff in common! May I ask how you eventually got over that younger ex? I'm having a really rough time obsessing about him all the time. The fact that he not only has moved on to another girl, but also just got a great new job making twice as much as he was making is kind of driving me crazy. I'm actually jealous that things are going so well for him and here I am stuck in hell, unable to move on and remembering when he was actually nice to me. I feel like total crap.[/QUOTE]Our stories are so similiar it's almost scary. How did I get over him??? Not sure. I was eventually forced to (and I came here a lot and vented). Mine moved onto another girl as well; saw them together in the parking lot at work kissing! Did I mention, we worked together. Had to see him every day, hear his voice. It was tourture and I was a mess for months. I finally stopped obsessing about him when I learned he moved in with that girl. Since then, he and the girlfriend moved far south and are as happy as can be I hear. Gag! When I was dating this new guy for the past month or so was the first time I was truly happy since the big breakup. Now this breakup and I'm not going to say I'm back to square one but it has brought back some of the old feelings and depression I was suffering the past year or so. I will say one thing... It got so bad for me that my doctor put me on antidepressants and I needed them. That did help and maybe it's something you might consider.

[QUOTE=holst]I also can relate to you wanting to send that letter. I did the same thing with emails to him trying to get answers out of him. I guess I was trying to keep a little hope that he would change his mind and come back. But I was consistently disappointed with his indifferent responses. It was like getting rejected over and over again. I got increasing upset, but could not accept that he did not want me. I finally called him and left a message saying what a good friend he was and I was really sorry for misinterpreting his actions and that I still wanted to be friends. I practically begged him! Ain't that like a girl, accepting all the blame just so he would still talk to me! He did call me back but was so devoid of all emotion, and he couldn't wait to get off the phone. Ugh, what a humiliating experience.[/QUOTE]Been there - done that - all of it. The only difference in our stories is mine would play games with me. He would IM me in a joking manner which would totally confuse me. So I'd send him an email practically begging him as you did with either no response or another rejection. Mine even tried to sleep with me while away on a business trip back in February. Mind you, he had already hooked up with this new girl by then but had no problem coming to my room saying he just had to talk and that I was the best friend he ever had and cried and made me cry and the hugs and kisses started, well you can imagine the reast. That did a huge number on my mind. I'm still not over that one.

You'll get through this. I promise. It's like everybody here says; it really does just take time. I know it sucks but it's true. I'm here for you.





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