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[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=DarkOrchid]Hi all,

I could do with some advice please. I have gradually been falling for a girl at work. The problem is I don't think two people who work together can also go out with one another - it's too much time together. At work we are best friends. We sit two metres apart and talk a lot (face to face and via e-mail), go out at weekends together, and hold each other in very high regard. She has basically turned my life around since joining the office. She has rescued my dwindling social life, restored my faith in girls, and renewed my confidence and self-esteem.

But I have so far resisted the temptation to think of her in a romantic way. Firstly, I would have never considered that she would be interested in me that way. And secondly there's the whole issue of us working together. There is a couple in our office but from what I can tell their relationship is one of convenience and probably based around sex. I don't want that. I think by now I could have had a one night stand with this girl but that would be awful. If something's going to happen then I want it to be something special with the potential to last.

And I think we're on the verge of it. She's recently split up with her boyfriend who she once described to me as a "project" who needed improvement. She was ashamed for me to meet him. Honestly, I don't know if this fool knew he was born. But he didn't bother me. Like I said, while she was with him I was safe. But now she's single again I'm worried she'll jump into bed with the first guy who fancies his chances. And I'll just be there to be the reliable friend to pick up the pieces as usual. I don't want to miss my chance for another two or three months. It hurts too much.

So I guess I would like people's opinions on whether or not I should instigate something. Like I said, we spend a lot of time together. She recently bought us tickets to a dance night (WiLDCHiLD's 3rd Birthday :cool: ) on the 29th and for once it's just the two of us going. I was double booked and almost decided not to go (the other occasion is a wedding!) but I can't miss out on such an opportunity, even if it only turns out to be a cool night between friends. She told me that I was the only person she could imagine going with. She reckons I'm the only guy she knows who's honest with her :rolleyes:

Lately she admitted to me that she used to think I only came out with her because I fancied her. I did fancy her but not as much as I do now and mainly I liked going out with her because she's so much fun. But that comment made me feel guilty that it was true and that I have been hiding my feelings (to myself and her). And this is something that I have been having problems doing lately. Every time we've gone out together in recent weeks we have shared moments of just gazing into each other's eyes and smiling. I haven't done this since I was in love.

It's even started happening at work. And we've also been hugging each other a lot more. The other day we were waiting outside a friend's house and we hugged and we only let go because he turned up in his car with everyone else. I had to try really hard to resist the temptation to kiss her. I'd like to think she did too. We do kiss but only hello/goodbye type kisses. I think she would find it weird if we took it further. She once said she couldn't go out with a colleague. She's also quite cynical of love. I think she knows that I look for love in a relationship and has always been extra resistant towards me because of that.

All I know right now is that I have that feeling in between my belly and my chest that tells me that it's more than a crush. But I don't ever want to spoil our friendship. She's the kind of girl that stays friends with her ex-boyfriends but if things go wrong I don't think we could get them back the way they are now. But then, if she gets a new boyfriend, I'll probably get a lot less attention anyway. I have considered the idea of telling her and finding out if working together is a problem for her. If it is, then I would leave as long as I could be with her. I know that sounds rash but I am an intense kind of guy. Please give me some advice!

Thank you :)[/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=DarkOrchid]Right, stuff's happened again and I need to put my feelings down to get them clear in my own head, if nothing else!

Firstly, I don't feel too good about things :( Since I last updated she got her way and had "more", which turned out to be more kissing with me. As it transpired, however, we only stole five minutes in my car after work last Friday (after a week of heavy flirting) and then she told me she felt guilty about her boyfriend. Yes, she is back with her boyfriend. I did not know this when we first kissed. And I swear, a few weeks ago I would not have considered kissing her again if I thought she wasn't single. But she's got this hold over me now and it's making me act against my usual instincts.

I justified the situation with my belief that her boyfriend has treated her badly in the past and probably will again. They have an on and off relationship and he initiates the "off" periods with his recreational drug overdoses, neglect to take his medication, and the resultant mood swings. But I know that's no excuse for encouraging her to cheat on him. So when she told me that I couldn't see her at the weekend, as we had arranged, I felt somewhat relieved because I too had been feeling guilty. But that didn't mean I wasn't gutted.

She put it as "I have led you astray". What I think she should have realised was she had lead me on to believe something that wasn't true. Only two evenings previous she told me that she was having doubts about being with her boyfriend; that she had feelings for me and didn't know what to do. I was floating on air for three evenings last week. I had all these crazy ideas that she would leave him and start something with me and that I wouldn't be single at Christmas... again! Well, what a fool I am! I was just a bit of fun during otherwise tedious week at work and when it got too real I was ditched.

Last Friday night after she told me we couldn't see each other, I was suddenly emotionally drained. I came home from the pub after work and slept for twelve hours straight and didn't feel much better on Saturday morning. I wandered around town completely numb. More than anything I wanted to know how she was. I finally gave in on Saturday evening and sent her a message to say that I wasn't mad with her (that was a lie) and that what mattered the most is that we remain friends (that is the truth). I genuinely worried when she didn't reply because she usually replies right away. She eventually replied twenty four hours later, claiming she didn't reply at first because she was too wasted to do so on Saturday night and then asleep all of Sunday. I wasn't very happy with that excuse and it said a lot to me that she didn't realise how important a reply was to me :(

On Monday morning at work I resolved not to fall into the trap of flirting with her. I was well prepared because I had no confidence in my appearance after being battered playing football the day before (rough league) :D But she still wormed her way in and convinced me to accompany her to town at lunch time. Things felt okay. It wasn't weird and we were acting like friends. I was happy with the situation. But then we bumped into her boyfriend. Of course, they kissed. I felt sick and just wanted to bash my head into a wall until I passed out. The numbness was back. She didn't even seem to notice.

I overheard that they'd made arrangements to meet up in the evening. But after work I sent her a message, joking about something we had talked about in the day, and she made a passing remark that she didn't have anything to do with her evening. So I suggested that I keep her company. She asked if I fancied a pint and a game of pool. So I cancelled plans to play football again and got round to her place like the dutiful puppy I am :rolleyes: But I had the best evening I have had with a girl in a long time. We played and chatted for a good two hours and the conversation didn't dry up. In the back of my mind I was wondering if she expected us to kiss good night. I would have gone with whatever she initiated. But I drove her back home and we had a tender kiss on the cheek and nothing more. Although, it did seem like she wanted more as she got out and said good night.

These last two days at work have been good again. We have been flirting but not too intensely. She has invited me out next Thursday; although, her boyfriend will be there, even though she says she didn't really want him there because he will probably get high and act like an idiot. She actually said she will dump him if he does muck up next week. But she didn't elude to whether that meant I would have a chance with her or not. She says she just wants to see me out because she enjoys hanging out with me because I actually like clubbing instead of just getting wasted.

Today we went to the pub alone at lunch time and had another great time. I can make her laugh with the stupidest humour and I catch her checking me out. Also, she was visibly jealous (I think) when I was chatting to the bar maid. I just wish I knew what she was really thinking :confused: I know she likes me as a friend and now I know she would like to have sex with me, but I wish I could work out if she would like to have the two together because there's no other way for me.

A part of me wants to tell her straight how I feel: that I would like us to take things further if she becomes single again, but that there's no way she could cheat on me without crushing me. I think she knows those feelings already, though. I know that she is worried that she would hurt me if we were together. So this other side of me wants to pretend to be something I am not. I want to pretend not to be sensitive and make myself available to be the bit on the side. But even that senseless idea is based in the vain hope that it would lead to something more serious.

I think I really need to take my own advice to another dude, [COLOR=Magenta]cybertron[/COLOR], who is also in this situation and distance myself from her. But it would be like cutting off my right arm. This girl has single-handedly revitalised my self-confidence from zero to the point where I can look girls in the eye again.

Anyway, she's got the day off tomorrow so I will have a day to think about things. But I know that I will be craving her entrance to the office on Friday morning. She will smile at me the way she does that makes me remember why I got out of bed and I will be under her spell again...[/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=DarkOrchid]Hey [COLOR=Magenta]goody2shuz[/COLOR] :) Sorry for not responding to your reply in the first place. To answer this question:

[QUOTE=goody2shuz]What exactly do you see that is attractive about this woman that leads you to believe that she is the type of woman who will be good for you, who will be giving, attentive, trustworthy, loving, sensitive, compassionate, and most of all faithful???[/QUOTE]

What I see isn't tangible; it is simply idealised in my imagination. I am becoming increasingly cynical but I am a born romantic and I believe that everyone is capable of falling in love, no matter what their previous attitude towards relationships might have been. I nurture the hope that Sara is slowly falling in love with me and that one day soon she's going to realise it and realise how important it is to hold on to that by showing me some commitment and intending to honour it for the foreseeable future. That's what I hope. And this hope is based, to a certain extent, in a realistic perception of Sara.

She is a giving person; she is not selfish as far as her friends and family are concerned. She could be more attentive (I'll go on to that) where I am concerned but I am sure that if we were officially an item then she would be more attentive to me. Trustworthyness is a sticking point. I know that she has cheated on previous boyfriends, and hasn't come clean. Yep, that doesn't bode well, I know. And she has told me that the main reason she couldn't go out with me is because she wouldn't like to risk hurting me by cheating on me, because she realises how much pain it would cause me. But she has also told me that she really would like to remain faithful if the right guy came along.

I haven't fully allowed myself to discover how loving and commpassionate she can be because I am afraid that I won't want to let go when I find out; I don't doubt she could make me feel incredibly special and, over time, very loved. Her sensitivity, however, is another sticking point, which takes me back to her attentiveness. Sometimes I wonder how she can be so insensitive. The reason why I came to post here was because she is being incredibly insensitive right now :( I last saw her on the 23rd when we finished work early and went to the pub for a Christmas drink. We agreed that we would exchange Christmas presents in the next few days but we didn't make firm plans.

Well, guess what - I've barely heard from her! She invited me for a drink on Christmas Eve but I was busy so I made my excuses. On Christmas Day I sent her a message to wish her Merry Christmas and she replied and asked me what presents I had recieved. So I told her and asked her the same question but she didn't get back to me. No biggy. But on Boxing Day I sent her a message to suggest that we meet up the next day (today) to exchange presents. And I still haven't heard from her. It's been more than a day since I sent the message and she hasn't even acknowledged it. That's where her sensitivity bothers me. I find it extremely rude that she hasn't considered how this must be making me feel!

But the thing is, it's out of character for her. And I know that there's a lot going on in her head, as you may recall from my last post. Last week (after her ex-boyfriend had confessed that he still loves her) she was quiet and guarded. At first I thought I had upset her but she reassured me that we were cool and that she would be alright in due course. Now I am beginning to think that she is not alright and it upsets me that she won't come to me for support and advice. She can trust me to lend an impartial ear, as a friend - nothing more. I hate to think that she feels she can't confide in me because we are now romantically entangled. I'd much rather keep her as a friend and lose her as a potential girlfriend than lose her all together.

[QUOTE=goody2shuz]I know that you find her attractive and perhaps see yourself as saving her from the problems she is facing (which by the way are of her own doing)....[/QUOTE]

Lastly, to respond to the above, I am beginning to realise that she is the maker of most of her problems (something which she had blinded me to in the past). And I don't deny that I do harbour a sense of wanting to be the one to save her. And if we're getting really psychological about this, then I think that notion might stem from my only previous serious relationship. I was deeply in love with a girl with whom I had gone through school and half way through university she left me, claiming she had fallen out of love with me. I gradually found out that she had practically slept with a new guy every month since leaving me, and that she took pride in telling people that she had had sixteen sexual partners (it'll be twenty-plus now).

This nearly destroyed me because (although I knew she wasn't a virgin when we first slept together), she always told me that she wished she had been, and that we would always be together. I only slept with her because I believed that to be true, and now I wish I was still a virgin so I could have back my chance to be a one-woman guy, which is all I ever wanted. So maybe I see Sara as a chance to convert a wayward girl to monogamy and redeem that terrible farce. Or maybe I am just attracted to her because she has cared for me so much over the last year. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that it's 12.45 am and I can't sleep because I have been waiting 27 hours for a reply to a freaking text message![/COLOR][/FONT]





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