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[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=DarkOrchid]Right, stuff's happened again and I need to put my feelings down to get them clear in my own head, if nothing else!

Firstly, I don't feel too good about things :( Since I last updated she got her way and had "more", which turned out to be more kissing with me. As it transpired, however, we only stole five minutes in my car after work last Friday (after a week of heavy flirting) and then she told me she felt guilty about her boyfriend. Yes, she is back with her boyfriend. I did not know this when we first kissed. And I swear, a few weeks ago I would not have considered kissing her again if I thought she wasn't single. But she's got this hold over me now and it's making me act against my usual instincts.

I justified the situation with my belief that her boyfriend has treated her badly in the past and probably will again. They have an on and off relationship and he initiates the "off" periods with his recreational drug overdoses, neglect to take his medication, and the resultant mood swings. But I know that's no excuse for encouraging her to cheat on him. So when she told me that I couldn't see her at the weekend, as we had arranged, I felt somewhat relieved because I too had been feeling guilty. But that didn't mean I wasn't gutted.

She put it as "I have led you astray". What I think she should have realised was she had lead me on to believe something that wasn't true. Only two evenings previous she told me that she was having doubts about being with her boyfriend; that she had feelings for me and didn't know what to do. I was floating on air for three evenings last week. I had all these crazy ideas that she would leave him and start something with me and that I wouldn't be single at Christmas... again! Well, what a fool I am! I was just a bit of fun during otherwise tedious week at work and when it got too real I was ditched.

Last Friday night after she told me we couldn't see each other, I was suddenly emotionally drained. I came home from the pub after work and slept for twelve hours straight and didn't feel much better on Saturday morning. I wandered around town completely numb. More than anything I wanted to know how she was. I finally gave in on Saturday evening and sent her a message to say that I wasn't mad with her (that was a lie) and that what mattered the most is that we remain friends (that is the truth). I genuinely worried when she didn't reply because she usually replies right away. She eventually replied twenty four hours later, claiming she didn't reply at first because she was too wasted to do so on Saturday night and then asleep all of Sunday. I wasn't very happy with that excuse and it said a lot to me that she didn't realise how important a reply was to me :(

On Monday morning at work I resolved not to fall into the trap of flirting with her. I was well prepared because I had no confidence in my appearance after being battered playing football the day before (rough league) :D But she still wormed her way in and convinced me to accompany her to town at lunch time. Things felt okay. It wasn't weird and we were acting like friends. I was happy with the situation. But then we bumped into her boyfriend. Of course, they kissed. I felt sick and just wanted to bash my head into a wall until I passed out. The numbness was back. She didn't even seem to notice.

I overheard that they'd made arrangements to meet up in the evening. But after work I sent her a message, joking about something we had talked about in the day, and she made a passing remark that she didn't have anything to do with her evening. So I suggested that I keep her company. She asked if I fancied a pint and a game of pool. So I cancelled plans to play football again and got round to her place like the dutiful puppy I am :rolleyes: But I had the best evening I have had with a girl in a long time. We played and chatted for a good two hours and the conversation didn't dry up. In the back of my mind I was wondering if she expected us to kiss good night. I would have gone with whatever she initiated. But I drove her back home and we had a tender kiss on the cheek and nothing more. Although, it did seem like she wanted more as she got out and said good night.

These last two days at work have been good again. We have been flirting but not too intensely. She has invited me out next Thursday; although, her boyfriend will be there, even though she says she didn't really want him there because he will probably get high and act like an idiot. She actually said she will dump him if he does muck up next week. But she didn't elude to whether that meant I would have a chance with her or not. She says she just wants to see me out because she enjoys hanging out with me because I actually like clubbing instead of just getting wasted.

Today we went to the pub alone at lunch time and had another great time. I can make her laugh with the stupidest humour and I catch her checking me out. Also, she was visibly jealous (I think) when I was chatting to the bar maid. I just wish I knew what she was really thinking :confused: I know she likes me as a friend and now I know she would like to have sex with me, but I wish I could work out if she would like to have the two together because there's no other way for me.

A part of me wants to tell her straight how I feel: that I would like us to take things further if she becomes single again, but that there's no way she could cheat on me without crushing me. I think she knows those feelings already, though. I know that she is worried that she would hurt me if we were together. So this other side of me wants to pretend to be something I am not. I want to pretend not to be sensitive and make myself available to be the bit on the side. But even that senseless idea is based in the vain hope that it would lead to something more serious.

I think I really need to take my own advice to another dude, [COLOR=Magenta]cybertron[/COLOR], who is also in this situation and distance myself from her. But it would be like cutting off my right arm. This girl has single-handedly revitalised my self-confidence from zero to the point where I can look girls in the eye again.

Anyway, she's got the day off tomorrow so I will have a day to think about things. But I know that I will be craving her entrance to the office on Friday morning. She will smile at me the way she does that makes me remember why I got out of bed and I will be under her spell again...[/COLOR][/FONT]





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