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[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=DarkOrchid]Hey everyone :)

Yet again I find myself replying to my own post but again I feel the need to put my thoughts down in words, so I don't even care if I get a reply!

On Wednesday we went to the cinema together with friends and when I left her place afterwards I didn't even try to kiss her; I only hugged her goodbye. The whole evening felt really good. We sat together and I she was turning to me throughout the film and smiling at me. The next day she sent me a message to say thank you for a lovely evening. Reading between the lines I think she meant thank you for not expecting too much and for being patient.

On Friday we went to our work's Christmas party together. Several people kept pestering us both about when we would ever get together and how good we looked together. After the meal and formalities we stayed up all night chatting to our boss in her hotel room. I went out for fresh air at one point and, as I hoped, she followed me. Then we did kiss. And she told me that the only reason she goes to work is to see me and that she'd been interested in me from the start. She said it was frustrating to hear everyone telling us what we already know and we agreed that it was a shame that we have to work together but neither of us wrote off the idea of something happening between us. It felt good to hear such things but I knew that things were not going to be simple.

After the boss dropped us off at her place we laid down on her sofa together and kissed and chatted for about an hour and a half. She seemed to be very contented and reassured me that it wasn't the alcohol or the coke talking (we hadn't had any for hours by this point) when she told me that she didn't know why she was with her boyfriend and not me. She said that she wouldn't mind being together even with the work issue but that I would have to be patient because of the delicate nature of her current relationship. She doesn't want to leave him at the moment because he is otherwise practically alone at Christmas and New Year.

At this point I started to feel terrible about the whole situation. Say she [I]does[/I] leave him for me. Well, he will know that she didn't want to be with him over Christmas and that she was just being sensitive, which I know from experience is worse than just being dumped. And of course I feel guilty myself. This guy is a waste of space but I've still walked in and stolen his girlfriend. Worse still, I'm beginning to wonder if that's even what I want...

I was having a chat with another colleague on Friday and she was telling me how all the girls think I am a great guy and that I deserve a loving, faithful girl. She is correct. I've always wanted to meet just one girl and be with her forever. It's naive and idealistic but it's what I want. I don't want someone who has given themself away cheaply in the past. I would never do it so why should I settle for someone who has? This girl has clearly slept with a lot of blokes and cheated on her boyfriends. I beginning to think it's not worth risking my heart for someone like that.

Last night I went into town to meet up with her and our mates. She was a bit standoffish mainly because she knew her boyfriend was around. He did indeed turn up and promptly ignored her and went away again. Genius. We all went into a different bar and were happily chatting, dancing etc. until her serious ex boyfriend came up and cornered her for a "Christmas chat". Before I knew what was happening she said she was leaving and darted out of the door, obviously upset. I gave her five and then called her. She was crying. I've never known her to cry before. I offered to give her space but she said she would like me to come and be with her.

She was sat outside in the cold still crying. Her ex had told her he still loves her. They split up about a year ago after she cheated on him. She says she still loved him at the time but that she was fed up of his lazy attitude (no job, spending all day smoking weed, typical loser). When he told her he still loved her she told him that she still liked him but that nothing could happen between them unless he changed. He didn't like hearing that so he stormed off. She was crying because she felt like she looked like the guilty party all over again just for criticising his attitude.

I drove her home and did my best to make her feel better. I ended up crying myself because I realised how rubbish the whole situation was. I have got myself so deeply besotted with this girl and she is more entangled with the many men in her life than I could ever conceive. I was basically crying because this episode further eroded my faith in the whole "one partner for life" ideal of mine. It makes me sick to think of all the guys she knows who only befriend her for one thing. At this point I knew that I was going to back off big time. She doesn't need more complication in her life and I don't need someone who is the complete opposite of what I want.

I don't think any of the above makes much sense and I doubt it flows but it reflects the complex nature of the last couple of days for me. I think I need to forget about girls for a bit.[/COLOR][/FONT]





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