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[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=DarkOrchid]Hey everyone :)

Yet again I find myself replying to my own post but again I feel the need to put my thoughts down in words, so I don't even care if I get a reply!

On Wednesday we went to the cinema together with friends and when I left her place afterwards I didn't even try to kiss her; I only hugged her goodbye. The whole evening felt really good. We sat together and I she was turning to me throughout the film and smiling at me. The next day she sent me a message to say thank you for a lovely evening. Reading between the lines I think she meant thank you for not expecting too much and for being patient.

On Friday we went to our work's Christmas party together. Several people kept pestering us both about when we would ever get together and how good we looked together. After the meal and formalities we stayed up all night chatting to our boss in her hotel room. I went out for fresh air at one point and, as I hoped, she followed me. Then we did kiss. And she told me that the only reason she goes to work is to see me and that she'd been interested in me from the start. She said it was frustrating to hear everyone telling us what we already know and we agreed that it was a shame that we have to work together but neither of us wrote off the idea of something happening between us. It felt good to hear such things but I knew that things were not going to be simple.

After the boss dropped us off at her place we laid down on her sofa together and kissed and chatted for about an hour and a half. She seemed to be very contented and reassured me that it wasn't the alcohol or the coke talking (we hadn't had any for hours by this point) when she told me that she didn't know why she was with her boyfriend and not me. She said that she wouldn't mind being together even with the work issue but that I would have to be patient because of the delicate nature of her current relationship. She doesn't want to leave him at the moment because he is otherwise practically alone at Christmas and New Year.

At this point I started to feel terrible about the whole situation. Say she [I]does[/I] leave him for me. Well, he will know that she didn't want to be with him over Christmas and that she was just being sensitive, which I know from experience is worse than just being dumped. And of course I feel guilty myself. This guy is a waste of space but I've still walked in and stolen his girlfriend. Worse still, I'm beginning to wonder if that's even what I want...

I was having a chat with another colleague on Friday and she was telling me how all the girls think I am a great guy and that I deserve a loving, faithful girl. She is correct. I've always wanted to meet just one girl and be with her forever. It's naive and idealistic but it's what I want. I don't want someone who has given themself away cheaply in the past. I would never do it so why should I settle for someone who has? This girl has clearly slept with a lot of blokes and cheated on her boyfriends. I beginning to think it's not worth risking my heart for someone like that.

Last night I went into town to meet up with her and our mates. She was a bit standoffish mainly because she knew her boyfriend was around. He did indeed turn up and promptly ignored her and went away again. Genius. We all went into a different bar and were happily chatting, dancing etc. until her serious ex boyfriend came up and cornered her for a "Christmas chat". Before I knew what was happening she said she was leaving and darted out of the door, obviously upset. I gave her five and then called her. She was crying. I've never known her to cry before. I offered to give her space but she said she would like me to come and be with her.

She was sat outside in the cold still crying. Her ex had told her he still loves her. They split up about a year ago after she cheated on him. She says she still loved him at the time but that she was fed up of his lazy attitude (no job, spending all day smoking weed, typical loser). When he told her he still loved her she told him that she still liked him but that nothing could happen between them unless he changed. He didn't like hearing that so he stormed off. She was crying because she felt like she looked like the guilty party all over again just for criticising his attitude.

I drove her home and did my best to make her feel better. I ended up crying myself because I realised how rubbish the whole situation was. I have got myself so deeply besotted with this girl and she is more entangled with the many men in her life than I could ever conceive. I was basically crying because this episode further eroded my faith in the whole "one partner for life" ideal of mine. It makes me sick to think of all the guys she knows who only befriend her for one thing. At this point I knew that I was going to back off big time. She doesn't need more complication in her life and I don't need someone who is the complete opposite of what I want.

I don't think any of the above makes much sense and I doubt it flows but it reflects the complex nature of the last couple of days for me. I think I need to forget about girls for a bit.[/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=DarkOrchid]Hey [COLOR=Magenta]goody2shuz[/COLOR] :) Sorry for not responding to your reply in the first place. To answer this question:

[QUOTE=goody2shuz]What exactly do you see that is attractive about this woman that leads you to believe that she is the type of woman who will be good for you, who will be giving, attentive, trustworthy, loving, sensitive, compassionate, and most of all faithful???[/QUOTE]

What I see isn't tangible; it is simply idealised in my imagination. I am becoming increasingly cynical but I am a born romantic and I believe that everyone is capable of falling in love, no matter what their previous attitude towards relationships might have been. I nurture the hope that Sara is slowly falling in love with me and that one day soon she's going to realise it and realise how important it is to hold on to that by showing me some commitment and intending to honour it for the foreseeable future. That's what I hope. And this hope is based, to a certain extent, in a realistic perception of Sara.

She is a giving person; she is not selfish as far as her friends and family are concerned. She could be more attentive (I'll go on to that) where I am concerned but I am sure that if we were officially an item then she would be more attentive to me. Trustworthyness is a sticking point. I know that she has cheated on previous boyfriends, and hasn't come clean. Yep, that doesn't bode well, I know. And she has told me that the main reason she couldn't go out with me is because she wouldn't like to risk hurting me by cheating on me, because she realises how much pain it would cause me. But she has also told me that she really would like to remain faithful if the right guy came along.

I haven't fully allowed myself to discover how loving and commpassionate she can be because I am afraid that I won't want to let go when I find out; I don't doubt she could make me feel incredibly special and, over time, very loved. Her sensitivity, however, is another sticking point, which takes me back to her attentiveness. Sometimes I wonder how she can be so insensitive. The reason why I came to post here was because she is being incredibly insensitive right now :( I last saw her on the 23rd when we finished work early and went to the pub for a Christmas drink. We agreed that we would exchange Christmas presents in the next few days but we didn't make firm plans.

Well, guess what - I've barely heard from her! She invited me for a drink on Christmas Eve but I was busy so I made my excuses. On Christmas Day I sent her a message to wish her Merry Christmas and she replied and asked me what presents I had recieved. So I told her and asked her the same question but she didn't get back to me. No biggy. But on Boxing Day I sent her a message to suggest that we meet up the next day (today) to exchange presents. And I still haven't heard from her. It's been more than a day since I sent the message and she hasn't even acknowledged it. That's where her sensitivity bothers me. I find it extremely rude that she hasn't considered how this must be making me feel!

But the thing is, it's out of character for her. And I know that there's a lot going on in her head, as you may recall from my last post. Last week (after her ex-boyfriend had confessed that he still loves her) she was quiet and guarded. At first I thought I had upset her but she reassured me that we were cool and that she would be alright in due course. Now I am beginning to think that she is not alright and it upsets me that she won't come to me for support and advice. She can trust me to lend an impartial ear, as a friend - nothing more. I hate to think that she feels she can't confide in me because we are now romantically entangled. I'd much rather keep her as a friend and lose her as a potential girlfriend than lose her all together.

[QUOTE=goody2shuz]I know that you find her attractive and perhaps see yourself as saving her from the problems she is facing (which by the way are of her own doing)....[/QUOTE]

Lastly, to respond to the above, I am beginning to realise that she is the maker of most of her problems (something which she had blinded me to in the past). And I don't deny that I do harbour a sense of wanting to be the one to save her. And if we're getting really psychological about this, then I think that notion might stem from my only previous serious relationship. I was deeply in love with a girl with whom I had gone through school and half way through university she left me, claiming she had fallen out of love with me. I gradually found out that she had practically slept with a new guy every month since leaving me, and that she took pride in telling people that she had had sixteen sexual partners (it'll be twenty-plus now).

This nearly destroyed me because (although I knew she wasn't a virgin when we first slept together), she always told me that she wished she had been, and that we would always be together. I only slept with her because I believed that to be true, and now I wish I was still a virgin so I could have back my chance to be a one-woman guy, which is all I ever wanted. So maybe I see Sara as a chance to convert a wayward girl to monogamy and redeem that terrible farce. Or maybe I am just attracted to her because she has cared for me so much over the last year. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that it's 12.45 am and I can't sleep because I have been waiting 27 hours for a reply to a freaking text message![/COLOR][/FONT]





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