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Hi. I posted a few days ago (posting - this CAN'T be okay, can it?). I feel the need to post the past few days' happenings. i HAVE to get out, but putting up with this constant emotional ride is making me feel weak and insecure and a bit crazy myself. here goes:
monday i was sick and stayed home from work. my bf said that he would come back over around 4 or 5 and for dinner. i told him i would start the sauce and when he got there he could make the spaghetti and put the bread in, etc. around 3 i called him and there was no answer, so i tried again, thinking he might have a bad signal and no answer again. i wanted to ask him before i got in the shower when he was coming so i could start the sauce, put it on simmer and lay down. i waited about 45 minutes for him to call back and gave him one more try before i got in the shower. he answered the phone and yelled "YOU CALLED ME TWICE ALREADY, DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT VOICE MAIL IS FOR? WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME, JESUS CHRIST, I JUST WALKED ONTO MY BOAT!" i was dumbfounded. i said "when it rang twice and you didn't answer, i figured your signal was messed up, so i tried again." he said "I HEARD YOU CALL THE FIRST TWO TIMES, BUT I WAS IN THE GARAGE AND HAD A WEAK SIGNAL AND DIDN'T FEEL LIKE ANSWERING IT." i said "why are you YELLING at me?" he just kept getting pissier. he told me his 20 year old daughter was there, which really pissed me off that he was yelling at me in front of her. he said he'd call me after she left, they were having lunch. he didn't call until 5:20 and said he had work to do and he'd be up around 7:00, if that's okay. i'm thinking no, it's not okay, i'm sick, want to eat early so i can lay down, but i said fine, the wuss that i am. then he calls at 6:40 and he is at the bar again. i said "i thought you were keeping me waiting because you had to work." and he screams "ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF NOT WORKING??? " i told him i wasn't accusing him of anything, just pointing out the fact that i was waiting dinner for HIM and he was hanging out at the bar. and i could tell he didn't just get there, he was already slurring. He said "i'll be there SOON." around 7:00'ish he called me from his car,yelling and cursing "I FORGOT MY GOD**** TOBACCO ON THE F**** BOAT, I COULDN'T FIND MY CAT TO GET HER ON THE BOAT, I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO HOME AFTER DINNER, I CAN'T STAY" (and i'm thinking to myself, good one! you need an excuse to leave because you really didn't want to come in the first place, you wanted to stay at the bar and get drunk with your loser friends! just hate being b.s.'ed; just tell me the truth and i'll be pissed for a bit and get over it, but don't cause me all this drama and get me all upset when i'm sick as a dog for nothing, especially when he invited himself over. he called again yelling how he can't find a g****** f***** parking spot....i swear, he called me l6 times "this is the SIXTH time i've ridden past your house, blah blah blah". he was SCREAMING at me, "NOW i'm in a bad mood" and i'm thinking geez, NOW you're in a bad mood? he was screaming his head off at me, so i said "you know what, just ride past the house, put the car in park and i'll bring you your backpack and you can go" and he says 'GREAT IDEA". he knocked a minute later, came STORMING in and yelled at me some more and raced back and forth through the living room yelling and making me cry. then he walked out the door and stood on my steps and was STILL yelling, so i gave him a little push with the door and slammed it shut and locked it. he called me and said "that was F**** up that you shut the door on my back" and i yelled back (with tears of course) "IT WAS F****** UP THAT EVEN THOUGH I WAS SICK I WAS MAKING YOU DINNER....AND WAITING ON DINNER...IF YOU WEREN'T COMING I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY WITH A BOWL OF SOUP AND BED, BUT I MADE YOU DINNER AND NOW YOU ARE YELLING AT ME FOR NOTHING!" he hung up on me. he called me 20 minutes later, "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry, i love you, please forgive me, i wish i was still at your house, that's where i'd rather be, etc." i begrudgingly forgave him and he said "i'm going to take a shower and if it's not too late, i'll come back up." this was at 8:00. i called him at 10:30 and no answer. he called me at 11:10 WASTED DRUNK, had been at the bar the whole time, and said "i think it's too late to come up." i was like REALLY? we hung up and that was that. he hung out there until close. if that's more appealing, so be it. yesterday, he offered to take me to the doctor. he took me, dropped me off and then picked me up. he picked his daugher up again and they were at boat when he called me...he said he was going to take her to lunch because the boat was still torn up...blah blah blah. he also said he was going to come over around 7:00 (again, his idea). i said "well if you can make it earlier, that would be nice, i'm trying to eat and get to bed earlier tonight, and he said okay, he had work to do but would try. so i tried to call him around 5:15; no answer. he calls me back and guess what? he's at the bar!!! shooting pool. so anyway, he does wind up coming over at 7:00' a foul mood. he started in on the rum and orange juice right away. so anyway, it's pleasant enough after he mellows out. he called his mom and they chatted a bit, then he and i started talking about our trip to colorado to visit his folks next month. he said he'd rather catch a connecting flight from boulder to denver instead of driving. i asked "is it one of those small commuter planes" and he says "yes" and i said "oh honey, no way, i can't fly on those things" he's like "YES YOU CAN" and i said no, trust me, the one time i was on one i cried the whole time and really freaked out. i have a fear of flying, but it's horrible on small planes, i'm okay on's a phobia...we all know what those are...irrational fears and it's not something you can just blink and get rid of. and with all his craziness, one little phobia is NOTHING compared to HIS issues, you know? so i was like, please, i can't go on one of those, especially in snowy colorado over the mountains in the winter...i will really freak out...and besides, we had already PLANNED on renting a car and taking the scenic route so we could go to Vail and the hot springs and all that...that's part of what i was really looking forward to...and he says "i can't EVER make plans with you!!!" and i said "what are you talking about??? this is the first timet this has ever come up!" and he yells THERE ARE PLACES I WANT TO GO AND YOU CAN ONLY GET THERE BY COMMUTER PLANES! and i'm thinking okay, we've never gone anywhere what the hell?????? he started really going off like OH, GOD FORBID YOU SHOULD HAVE A LITTLE DISCOMFORT ON YOUR TRIP...GOD FORBID WE SHOULD INCONVENIENCE YOU". i admit i started crying, AGAIN, and i was like "what the hell is going on here?" why are you yelling at me again??? and he says "you know what? you have one month to get over your phobia. see a therapist, whatever you need to do, but get over it, it's stupid!" he was really going off. then he grabs his clothes and throws them on and starts to leave again...and i was like "what the HELL is going on?" he finally calms down and sits back down and we more and less didn't talk at all; he does tell me he ran into a friend of his earlier who is often an instigator for trouble between the two of us...i'm sure that had something to do with it..he always gets that way around him, not that it's an excuse by any means). i put in a movie and we watched it, then watched the daily show and went up to bed. he turns his back on me and mumbles "good night" (and we always kiss and hug good night). i was like "hey, no kiss?" (i really shouldn't have wanted one at this point), and he gives me a peck and says good night. then he says "if you had the avian flu, would you expect me to kiss you?" and i was like WHAT? i had a fever of 101 on sunday and you kissed me then, you offered me a drink of your soda, you kissed me yesterday, and now three days later you have a problem kissing me with a cold that's not even contagious anymore? he was silent. so i said "WHAT is wrong? why don't you like me today?" and he says "i like you." and i said "so why are you being so mean to me?" and he says "because my brain is functioning again." i said WHAT??? are you saying that you were nice before because your brain wasn't functioning properly?? and now that it IS, you're mean to me?" he wouldn't answer, so i asked him again. he sat up, and i kid you NOT, he started repeatedly PUNCHING HIMSELF IN THE HEAD and yelling argghhhhh!!! then he jumps up and says I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, I CAN'T STAY HERE, I'M PUNCHING MYSELF IN THE HEAD, IT'S DANGEROUS FOR ME TO BE IN THIS BED!" then he yells "MAYBE I'M CRAZY, MAYBE YOU'RE CRAZY, MAYBE WE'RE BOTH CRAZY!" and i'm thinking, i'm not the one punching myself in the head, but i wasn't going to provoke him more. okay, so i am in shock at this point...i followed him down the stairs as he is yet again angrily throwing on his clothes and WUSSY me starts crying and saying please don't leave (what a weakling i am). he comes over and hugs me, says "i'm not leaving." he smoked a cigarette, came back to bed and we didn't speak at all. woke up this morning and i went to work and he left...we've talked once or twice since then.

how can he behave this way and then say that i'm crazy, and try to make me feel like i'm a nutcase because i have a phobia about flying??? even though i have a phobia, i still fly, but small planes freak me out...does that make me insane? does that compare to his nutty behavior??

he's got me twisted up in his nuttiness that when he says i'm the one with issues i start to believe it and feel insecure and it makes me weak and i feel like i don't have any control anymore. i'm NOT normally a weakling like this! I need some serious help!

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