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Re: Back again
Oct 20, 2005
I think Shelly's first post was great and right on point. I'm not one of those people who believes in giving everyone a second chance, but I definitely don't believe in third chances. Because you are lonely, would like a boyfriend/companion/confidant, and no one else has asked you out are three of the worst reasons ever for going back with an ex, particularly an ex with controlling tendencies. The vast majority of control freaks and abusers (and often, members of the first category become members of the second if their partners continue to give them one chance after another to behave better) say the exact same things and make the exact same promises your ex has pledged. From what you said in your earlier thread, it sounds like you might be susceptible to settling for less than the kind of boyfriend who won't need a third chance to make up for his lousy past behavior because you lack relationship experience and still need to work on building up the substantial assertiveness required to take a firm stand about what you won't tolerate (and walk away if you aren't treated with the kindness and respect everyone deserves from their partner). I know it's hard when you're making the transition between childhood and adulthood and very common to want someone to lean on and depend on during that transition, but I don't think it's healthy to need someone to help you cope with changes in your life. It's not in your best interest to be with someone just to avoid being alone when it really seems like what you need is to gain the independence, confidence, and assertiveness when it comes to depending solely on yourself. I'm really sorry that your friends aren't there for you, but it may be a blessing in disguise by providing you with the necessary and very beneficial opportunity to not lean on anyone for awhile and learn how to thrive on your own, as an independent adult. Neither of the guys on your other thread are nearly good enough for you, nor would they ever make the kind of boyfriend you need who will allow you to grow and develop into your own person while loving and supporting (but not smothering) you. I strongly believe that the issue here is not what guy to date but instead your need to avoid falling back into a relationship because it's easy and familiar...you really need to learn how to get by on your own, to live for yourself, to make your own decisions, and to be independent without needing to rely on anyone else for guidance and direction. You're in college now, right? It's time to enjoy being a young, free, and single woman and allow yourself to develop into an independent, mature, and confident adult so that you'll recognize the right man when he comes along and be able to form a healthy relationship because you have your own life and experiences to draw on and will no longer need to give your boyfriend more control over your decisions than anyone but you should ever have. I haven't been single too much either (I'm only a few years out of college), but I am making a conscious effort to be so now and to avoid falling back into my old pattern of hopping from one relationship to the next with little time in between or even some overlap. I'm realizing that being single is a really wonderful, empowering, and enlightening experience that everyone and especially young women need to go through in order to eventually become well-adjusted and mature partners later in life who know how to sustain healthy relationships and retain the important aspects of their independence. I'm not saying don't date and have fun, just don't be tied down or feel the need to have a boyfriend just to have someone to depend on...that way you can do whatever you want with any guy you want without having to feel guilty or answer to anyone! ;)





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