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[QUOTE=endymion_]i am not this type of guy to want to be involved in relationships like this, i have really high morals. I asked her if she wants to date me again, and she still says no, so i don't want to be part of a relationship just for "priviledges," thats not how i am...i am basically hers at her will, and i cannot say no nor am i compelled to say no because i don't have any important people in my life now... i am lost at what to do here, i am not like this, i don't break up relationships...should i allow this, does anybody have any experience in this area? i don't think i could turn her away, so does anybody have any comments on the situation? should i try to get her back again, or accept it for what it is now?[/QUOTE]

I think Mada is exactly right--you just can't remain friends with someone who left you when your feelings for them are still so strong and the pain is so raw. I'm not saying you can never be friends, but right now, it is hurting you and leaving you tormented when you should be starting to heal and move on. Up until my last breakup, I was always the one to leave, and I usually wanted to stay friends with my exes (in retrospect, because I was already over them and had mentally moved on by the time I left). About six months ago, my partner and roommate of over three years left me, and it was absolutely devestating...he also moved far away, which was probably a blessing in disguise, because while I still love him and care deeply about him as a friend, everytime I talk to him, I end up feeling sadder, missing him more, and regressing in terms of my healing efforts. When you have lingering romantic feelings for an ex who left you and doesn't want you back, it's impossible not to have that contact with your ex compound your pain, leave you confused and frustrated, and prevent you from getting on with your life (and eventually finding love and happiness once again).

While it might seem harder to cut all ties to her than to stay friends and at least have that connection, you're actually torturing yourself and unnecessarily increasing and extending your heartbreak by allowing her to remain part of your life. I don't mean to be harsh here, but you need to be strong in the short run and shut down all contact with her or you will drastically compromise your ability to be strong in the long run and deny yourself any chance of getting over her until you finally muster the strength to get on with your life without her in it. Since you are going to have to cut her out of your life eventually in order to heal and move on, you might as well do it now and spare yourself the additional angst, frustration, and agony that will inevitably result from remaining in contact with her. To be blunt, you're not going to feel happier, get over her, heal, and accept that she left and doesn't want you back until you (at least temporarily) excise her from your life. I know you were holding out some hope that she would change her mind when she got back from her cruise or that you'd be able to convince her to stay, but at this point, holding onto any hope is only causing you additional grief. She has made her decision and has no plans to change her mind--trust me on that please, as I have been in her shoes many times and recognize the signs. I've also hooked up with exes on a number of occasions even though I shouldn't have in some cases, knowing they still had hopes of reconciling, but it's hard to resist going to someone who I trust and care about (not to mention someone with whom I know I have good chemistry in bed) for intimacy when I'm feeling bored, lonely, or in need of sex. I bet your girlfriend is especially vulnerable to this behavior because she is now in a long distance relationship and longing for physical contact with a guy--since she knows you are available and willing, it's not surprising that she's made some advances toward you even though I'm sure she feels badly about doing so. But regardless, for the sake of your own emotional well-being, you really need to realize that her actions are NOT an indication that there is still a chance for you and her to be together. In fact, based on my experiences and observations, her behavior actually demonstrates that she has NO intention of getting back together with you--otherwise she would be a lot more considerate of your feelings and a lot less careless about potentially jeopardizing the chances of reconciling some time in the future. You need to accept that no matter how much you love her and want to be with her, you can't control her wishes or make her want to stay if she is firmly committed to leaving. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change her mind, so now you need to follow her example and turn all your attention inward--it's time to resign yourself to the fact that she is no longer part of your life and focus on trying to change the things that (unlike her decision to leave) you have the power to control, such as your healing process. Accepting the finality of your breakup is an essential, difficult, and very important step in your healing process, and the sooner you can make a clean break and leave her in your past, the easier time you will have moving forward without looking back and healing without causing yourself any additional unnecessary pain.

From that point, you should expect to pass through the same extended mourning period and stages of grief that follow any heartbreaking event--there is a very insightful and concise book on this subject which I'm sure you would find helpful called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Peter McWilliams. It's important to be as good a friend to yourself as you can while you are healing--particularly make sure to treat yourself with extra kindness and patience and to face the emotions you experience rather than pushing them all aside or back down inside you where they will remain unresolved and continue to cause you problems and pain. It will help to have some sort of outlet for the powerful feelings you'll need to face and cope with--it was very beneficial for me to write down how I felt, usually in the form of letters (which I would NEVER send) to my ex because I express myself best verbally, but other people find considerable solace and relief in music, art, exercise/sports, volunteering, or any other healthy activity that you enjoy and find soothing. It doesn't matter what you choose as long as you have at least one reliable outlet, because people who try to cope with heartbreak by swallowing it or denying it often turn to unhealthy forms of release such as excessive drinking, drug abuse, or reckless/dangerous sexual exploits.

You also need some people who you trust and feel comfortable venting to/confiding in about the way you feel. This is a time when you should lean on any family members or friends that are there for you in order to have as much support and companionship as possible along with someone who will listen whenever you need them. I am very sorry and worried to hear you say that you donít have any other important people in your lifeóisnít there anyone (a friend, a relative, a teacher, a counselor, a religious leader) that you feel close to? Please try to find someone to talk to, even if it is someone you donít know too well like a guidance counselor from school or a rabbi. When people get serious about their relationships, they often spend less time with friends, so are there maybe friends with whom you used to be closer who you could get back in touch with and try to rekindle those friendships? Letting your ex pop in and out of your life whenever she wants with no regard for the negative effects she will have on your emotions and efforts to move on because sheís the only important person in your life is even riskier and more hazardous for you than for someone with other close relationships they can lean on for support. Unfortunately, when relationships end and someone is hurt and remorseful about the breakup, they also have to give up on the friendship, no matter how close and important it was, because every time you have any contact with someone who hurt you, it makes you hurt more than ever and take a big step backward in your healing process. Sorry for such a long response, but hopefully I answered all your questionsóI definitely have experience with this (on both sides but especially from your exís perspective) which makes me absolutely certain that it would compound the pain of losing her if you continue to allow her to be involved in your life in any capacity, ESPECIALLY if you have any non-platonic interactions with her. You need to accept that it is over for good and start working to eliminate all traces of her from your life and be proactive about jump-starting your healing process (and being vigilant about not letting anything, especially your ex, jeopardize that process or erode any of your progress). Not to mention that it will make you feel used, regretful, and guilty if you hook up with her and facilitate her cheating on her new boyfriend. Iím very sorry you are going through such a heart-breaking ordeal, but it is clear that your ex is not the woman for you because she doesnít appreciate how lucky she is to have you love her as devotedly and loyally as you do. Believe it or not, someday you will look back and be grateful for all the lessons and strength you gained from this painful experience, especially because you know more now about what true love is all about and will have no trouble recognizing and reciprocating it when you do meet the woman who is worthy of being your partner and benefiting from all the love you have to offer . This is a low point, but you will get through it and come out wiser and stronger than ever, so please donít lose hope that everything happens for a reason and will work out for the best if you give it time and stay positive. Take care!





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