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Relationship Health Message Board


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I think men don't want to commit nowadays because they get sex and love so easily. Most women give themselves up too easily, and I am clearly one of these. It's something I finally realized about myself and I think that's why I haven't been lucky in love. If you really want a man, let him continually pursue you. Now, I am not saying that you should act like you dislike them, but just be a little out of reach, sexually for awhile, and emotionally for even longer.

I've noticed that the men who really fell for me were the ones I didn't care about one way or the other. The trick is to hold back when you really are into a man, no matter how hard it gets. The key to winning at love is to live with the uncertainty it entails. I truly believe this.

I think a good thing to do when dating is to date more than one man at a time. That way you don't obsess about just one. That's what I intend to do from now on. Although I used to think it didn't make any difference if you slept with a man right away or not, I've recently changed my view on this.

You should wait at least a month or so before doing the deed, unless you are just in it for the sex. If the man leaves, then you know for sure that's all he was after. If he stays, then you know he is really interested in YOU.

All we can do is learn from our mistakes and recognize destructive patterns we keep repeating.

Hope this helps.
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]I think men don't want to commit nowadays because they get sex and love so easily. Most women give themselves up too easily, and I am clearly one of these. It's something I finally realized about myself and I think that's why I haven't been lucky in love. If you really want a man, let him continually pursue you. Now, I am not saying that you should act like you dislike them, but just be a little out of reach, sexually for awhile, and emotionally for even longer.

I've noticed that the men who really fell for me were the ones I didn't care about one way or the other. The trick is to hold back when you really are into a man, no matter how hard it gets. The key to winning at love is to live with the uncertainty it entails. I truly believe this.

I think a good thing to do when dating is to date more than one man at a time. That way you don't obsess about just one. That's what I intend to do from now on. Although I used to think it didn't make any difference if you slept with a man right away or not, I've recently changed my view on this.

You should wait at least a month or so before doing the deed, unless you are just in it for the sex. If the man leaves, then you know for sure that's all he was after. If he stays, then you know he is really interested in YOU.

All we can do is learn from our mistakes and recognize destructive patterns we keep repeating.

Hope this helps.[/QUOTE]


With all due respect, I strongly disagree with this approach. It would be a sad world if we always had to play games with the people we loved in an effort to keep them interested. The trick is not to play games and hold back but to choose the right men from the start--if women would select men who treat them well and who really like them, they wouldn't have nearly as much trouble with relationships. And Scarlet, I think you might have it backwards--it's not a luxury to have to play hard to get in an effort to get a man to want to hang around you. The real luxury comes from having lots of men be very interested in you and liking you enough so that you don't have to play any games. Instead you can just be yourself and be completely sincere and honest with them without worrying about scaring them away if you make one wrong move. To me, viewing dating as a game you have to play just right or else end up lonely seems like an unnecesssarily sad and frustrating way to approach dealing with men, which I've always considered to be extremely rewarding, fulfilling, and enjoyable when you are upfront, sincere, and relaxed around them. Now I do realize that I've been very lucky in love and that not everyone has the good fortune to have lots of nice, respectful prospects to choose from when they want to date someone, but I still firmly believe that the real reason why I've always had most guys I knew interested in me is because I DIDN'T play games (nor did I act confusing and send mixed signals, nor did I try to manipulate them into liking me and staying interested in me). Obviously you don't want to put in more effort than you're getting out of any relationship with anyone, whether you know them platonically or romantically, and you never want to throw yourself at men, but I guarantee that none of you ladies who feel unlucky in love have missed out by not playing enough games and not acting disinterested enough or ignoring guys enough.

Please trust me on this, as I know a number of other people who have also been very happy and successful in relationships, and none of them have ever been the type of person to play hard to get or play any other kind of games with potential love interests. Instead, they know the key steps required to have plenty of quality prospects interested in them at all times so they never feel bored or unlucky in love...first, you need to have confidence and believe you deserve a great partner who treats you wonderfully and be able to project this attitude and (most importantly) act accordingly. Next, you have to make sure you are smart in choosing what potential partners to pursue/give a chance to--pick people who you find intelligent, interesting, sweet, and sincere and make sure to eliminate any prospects who demonstrate ANY signs of lacking interest or respect for you. Finally, just act NORMAL, treating the opposite sex much like you treat your same sex friends--don't obsess about any one prospect, get way ahead of yourself imagining being in love and having a future together when you barely know someone, or make a big deal out of each interaction with them so that you end up acting nervous/fake/insecure (or worse, analyzing everything they do to death searching for signs they like you when in reality, if any of their behavior leaves you at all in doubt that they don't like you, you HAVE TO MOVE ON)!! Successful relationships have nothing to do with games, faking disinterest, or manipulation--in fact, trying to follow any arbitrary rules like this only turns off any and all potential partners worth having and therefore these rules and games inevitably stand in the way of finding and nourishing healthy and mutually satisfying relationships. Ultimately, a relationship works out when both people really like each other, genuinely want to be together, and aren't too skittish, insecure, or overbearing to let a relationship develop naturally over time by being as honest, upfront, and open-minded as possible. This has never failed to work for me when I've met a man I liked, and I've never seen anyone else who takes this approach have any trouble finding plenty of suitors and lots of great relationships either.
[QUOTE=greeneyes100]I think men don't want to commit nowadays because they get sex and love so easily. Most women give themselves up too easily, and I am clearly one of these. It's something I finally realized about myself and I think that's why I haven't been lucky in love. If you really want a man, let him continually pursue you. Now, I am not saying that you should act like you dislike them, but just be a little out of reach, sexually for awhile, and emotionally for even longer.

I've noticed that the men who really fell for me were the ones I didn't care about one way or the other. The trick is to hold back when you really are into a man, no matter how hard it gets. The key to winning at love is to live with the uncertainty it entails. I truly believe this.

I think a good thing to do when dating is to date more than one man at a time. That way you don't obsess about just one. That's what I intend to do from now on. Although I used to think it didn't make any difference if you slept with a man right away or not, I've recently changed my view on this.

You should wait at least a month or so before doing the deed, unless you are just in it for the sex. If the man leaves, then you know for sure that's all he was after. If he stays, then you know he is really interested in YOU.

All we can do is learn from our mistakes and recognize destructive patterns we keep repeating.

Hope this helps.[/QUOTE]

Wow, greeneyes, we really are two peas in a pod!! Reading your post made me feel like I was reading my own thoughts!!

In the past, as you also mentioned, I didn't wait so long for guys. I would sleep with them not instantly, but at least I wouldn't wait 6 months.

But, now, I've really come to realize that no matter how progressive a guy is, he will ALWAYS think less of you if you have sex too quickly and if he has any kind of feelings for you, he will wait for you to be ready.

I have known - and been interested in - a guy for about 5 months who has always pursued me relentlessly. He would talk to all of his friends about me, call me at 3am telling me he's 'so in love' with me etc, etc. At the time I had a boyfriend so I didn't do anything but hang out/have drinks/dinner etc.

But, since my relationship ended we have kissed - and nothing else - and I am DETERMIND to NOT have sex with him for a least a few more months. I think so far that its working in my favor.





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