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My boyfriend of nearly 2 years [B]had[/B] a porn addiction. It hurt me so much. I guess I'm kind of a jealous person, and I have alot of issues. He used to point out women he found 'Hot', show me porn, and he'd tell me when he was masturbating to it (over the phone or IM or whatever). It took me about 3 months to tell him to stop doing this, because it made me feel self-conscious. I was worried about him getting mad at me.

I still felt very bad and self-conscious about his porn viewing. But, I looked up things about it on the internet that told me it was normal for a man. So I tried my best to not think about it.

He started telling me about his preferences in women. And it'd hurt me because I didn't fit into any of what he said. He likes big nipples, long legs, asian women, and a bunch of other things. I'm only 5'3", and I'm cauncasian. I felt terrible for not being born the way he wanted me to be.

Eventually, I started getting depressed over it, and it just hurt me so much. I felt ugly, fat, and undesirable. He'd call me beautiful from time to time, but I guess I wanted him to think of me as sexy or hot. I know hot is a lustful word, but I wanted him to lust over me, sometimes... 6 months into our relationship I told him how much his porn hurt me, but he didn't stop. Instead he blamed me for looking at it.

He'd give me stupid excuses like he needed to look at it because I wouldn't do all the things he wanted me to. I was not ready, but he didn't want to wait. There were also other stupid excuses. I did take pictures for him in suggestive/nude poses, but he would only masturbate to them once or twice and then go back to the porn. He eventually told me that he had to look at porn because I was always feeling bad about my appearance, making me undesirable. I felt bad about myself because of what HE was doing to me.

I once told him that I wanted to get plastic surgery so I could look a little closer to his porn women. He told me he couldn't love me if I did that to myself. But he continued to look, anyways. I told him that I rather him physically abuse me, than emotionally abuse me. He told me that he could never do that to me. But what he was doing was so much worse than that. And I should know, because I had to deal with that in a past relationship.

I started having breakdowns, and I'd cry for hours, and tell him how it hurt me. I'd tell him how unattractive he'd make me feel, and I'd tell him I was sorry for being ugly, fat, and disgusting. He'd just tell me more stupid excuses, tell me I shouldn't worry about it, and that I was being silly. Or he'd completely ignore me.

My depression got worse, and led me to trying to escape the feeling of hurt by mutilation. I'd cut and burn myself. He'd get upset over me doing this, but I was able to hide it for the most part. I'd do this whenever I'd have a breakdown. Which just kept getting more and more frequent. I know, I probably should have broken up with him, but I couldn't. I love him so.

Eventually, his addiction led me to suicidal thoughts. I was thinking about how I could do it. I wanted to wait until he'd come home, and I'd wait in the bedroom, and tell him I hated him for doing this to me, and I wanted to shoot myself in the head, right in front of him. Bleed out all the pain and be free. I was selfish, I wanted to put him through all the pain that he's put me through. I wanted him to realize how much it really did hurt me. I told this to my best friend, and she told him about it.

It finally hit him. He finally figured out how much it hurt me, and he said he'd try his best to quit. This was around the end of august, this year. He hasn't masturbated to any of it, for the whole two months that have passed.

He now admits that he had an addiction. He told me that he's not sure why he looked at it so much, because I'm more beautiful than any pornstar could ever be. He also told me that I'm able to arrouse him more, as well. He's apologized for looking at it, and not quitting sooner. He said he's sorry for blaming it on me, because he now realize he was in the wrong. He regrets not giving it up when he found me.

I still have breakdowns every now and then, because I have a vivid memory. I'll get angry at him all over again, and I'll hurt, and cry. These are getting less frequent, but I still have them. It upsets him that I can't get over what he did. He wants me to forgive him. I can't get over it so easily, he's put me through alot, but I don't think he understands that it's going to take time for me to heal.

So, what I guess I wanted to ask is:

How can I get over this, quicker? I don't want my past to haunt me forever. How can I get him to realize that it's going to take longer than two months? How can I get him to help me?

Thank you everyone, who read this. I appreciate any advice, comments, or support you give me.

Also, for any women currently suffering with their boyfriend/husband having this addiction. I'm very sorry, and my heart goes out to you. Please be strong.

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