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I have a situation I could use some comments about. I'm dating this girl who went out with someone 5 years ago for 2 months and stayed friends ever since. Not long ago, she told me that she went out for lunch with him. When I heard this I was like, "Excuse me? Who is this guy?" When she told me who he was, I had asked her, "Ok...When you went out 5 years ago did you sleep with him then?" She answered, "Yeah, but that was a long time ago...blah, blah, blah...He's a nice guy...I want him as a friend...blah, blah, blah."

So, this made me upset because she was actually starting to defend him against me! I was like, "Hey, this isn't cool! I don't think you'd like it if I did this stuff..." of which she said that she wouldn't LIKE it, but she CLAIMS it would be ok for me to do it.

My argument was that since they had a past together that it isn't right. She pretty much ended the argument by saying that they are staying friends no matter what and I just have to deal with it.

What do you guys think about this? Is what she is doing right or wrong?
Lamotta, you know you're kind of one of my favorites here, right?
Keep that in mind cause I'm going to give you the benefit of one of my more painful experiences and you'll have to try to wear my shoes for just a bit....

You ask if I can see where you're coming from. Yes, I sure can because I lived with a guy who was jealous and possessive for 3 years. It slowly suffocated my ability to be spontaneous and happy. He didn't trust me, yet I'd never done anything wrong. He didn't trust guys, but how was I supposed to help him with that?
I got the 3rd degree so many times.
It affected my self esteem and my joy of being with him.
If he could have just not said all those things out loud. Or dropped it after a sentence or two that would still make it clear that he was not hammering me with his own insecurities.
In his case they were due to abandonment issues/adoption/childhood abuse. But he kept pushing people away with his jealousy and then wondering why no one ever stayed with him.

You have such a wonderful head for a relationship Lamotta, I would rather do a virtual dance at your wedding than have even one relationship of yours end due to jealousy.
Yes, people will cheat. Yes, people will walk out.
But the right girl for you will not.
Give each of them a clean slate and keep those other thoughts behind sealed lips!!
Big Hug,
MamaRuth
:angel:
[QUOTE=Ruth6:11]Lamotta, you know you're kind of one of my favorites here, right?
Keep that in mind cause I'm going to give you the benefit of one of my more painful experiences and you'll have to try to wear my shoes for just a bit....

You ask if I can see where you're coming from. Yes, I sure can because I lived with a guy who was jealous and possessive for 3 years. It slowly suffocated my ability to be spontaneous and happy. He didn't trust me, yet I'd never done anything wrong. He didn't trust guys, but how was I supposed to help him with that?
I got the 3rd degree so many times.
It affected my self esteem and my joy of being with him.
If he could have just not said all those things out loud. Or dropped it after a sentence or two that would still make it clear that he was not hammering me with his own insecurities.
In his case they were due to abandonment issues/adoption/childhood abuse. But he kept pushing people away with his jealousy and then wondering why no one ever stayed with him.

You have such a wonderful head for a relationship Lamotta, I would rather do a virtual dance at your wedding than have even one relationship of yours end due to jealousy.
Yes, people will cheat. Yes, people will walk out.
But the right girl for you will not.
Give each of them a clean slate and keep those other thoughts behind sealed lips!!
Big Hug,
MamaRuth
:angel:[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the advice Ruth. You're one of my favorites too! :) I'm very sorry about what you went through and I don't ever want this to happen to someone I'm with. Sometimes in the past, the jealousy that came from both sides in my relationships was rather destructive. It never resulted in feeling better...it just made us appear more weak and untrusting to one another. I see where you are coming from and I hope that you don't think I was trying to do this to this girl.

Seriously, I understand that I'm being a bit more jealous than is necessary, but also understand that it is necessary to be at least a little bit if you don't want to get yourself hurt. I would be more upset if I chose to ignore things and they ended up hurting me because of it. Just being protective of my heart is all...





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