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What I think matters here is that although she knew she was upsetting you, she carried out saying what she said, which doesn't tell a lot about her respect for your feelings. If you feel in competition with her ex, this means that there's definitely something wrong! It is hard to accept that your partner is friendly to someone who they were intimate to in the past. It just is not nice!!!! And based on my OWN experience, many ex-s have no values at all not to try to intrude. It gives them a sense of importance to know that they are causing trouble. What I would advise you is don't give this girl the power to think that she can hurt you by talking about her ex. Let her talk as much as she wants and you try not to show interest. She will then learn to play another game if her point is to provoke you. If not, then you lost nothing. If things develop behind your back, then you also lost nothing...definitely you didn't lose a worthy girlfriend.
[QUOTE]She pretty much ended the argument by saying that they are staying friends no matter what and I just have to deal with it.[/QUOTE]

Ok, I didnt see this bit. She doesnt seem to respect how you feel about this. But then again, she could be angry for you disrespecting her choices - wanting to be friends with this guy.

[QUOTE]This guy ended up dumping her in 2 months with some lame excuse...they slept together and everything though. I tried to tell her, "You know this guy never wanted to be serious with you...he just wanted to sleep with you. Look at all the signs! He was all nice to you, slept with you and then left you! Why can't you see that!"[/QUOTE]

why did you bring this up? I mean they are friends - what does this have to do with it? I can understand you saying all this if she wants to get back together with him.

Do you even trust your girlfriend? its simple; do you think she is going to do something with this guy? this seems to be the problem here.
I think your biggest problem here is not your girlfriend's desire to keep a friendship with her ex, but rather her blatant disregard for your feelings on the matter. For her to say "We're going to stay friends, no matter what you think" is incredibly selfish, immature, and shows little respect for you. Therefore, I think you should address her lack of respect for you before anything else.
I personally would never want to be friends with an ex. What's the point? I tried it once but he thought my friendliness meant an open door to get back together, and I ended up having to explain why we weren't right for each other AGAIN after I already fought that battle years ago. It's just a waste of time for me personally. I have friends, I don't need my ex's. On the other hand, for some reason I have known many guys who insist on remaining friends with their ex's. And 99% of the time, the ex still has feelings. This is a dangerous and lethal relationship situation. I refuse to remain in a relationship with someone who maintains that this sort of behavior is acceptable. They are setting themselves up for problems with their current S.O, not to mention playing with the feelings of their ex for the sake of their own validation! I dated a guy once who did this, and he would tell me all about how his ex still wants him, blah blah blah... I concluded that he was immensely insecure and relied on using other people to pick himself up and feel better about himself. He was trying to play on my jealousy. I tossed him before he had a clue what was going on.
Anyway, the first thing you need to do is talk to her about why she doesn't listen to you and respect your feelings. Explain to her that you are trying to maturely talk through a problem and reach a solution best for the relationship and that sometimes you feel she isn't being fair in that regard. If she still turns her nose up at you and refuses to stop, it may be time to take a break from the relationship and see just how much she likes that.
[QUOTE=mada_3083]really this is an issue with your self confidence... sure they didn't work out as a couple but they might be great friends (hey they might have broken up because he's gay, and she likes his opinion on men :))

but can't you understand, she's with YOU. if she wanted to be with her ex, he wouldn't be an EX... so get over it[/QUOTE]

I completely disagree with almost all the replies here except this one and Adriana's. It's perfectly understandable that everyone has their individual opinions about remaining friends with exes, but I don't really see how that's relevant to this situation. My take on this is that Lamotta's girlfriend is probably angry, resentful, and really turned off by his insecurity and attempts to control her. It's not like this guy is even a serious or recent ex--clearly their friendship has been front and center for five years and anything more than that would have already played out if there was anything left to happen. But again, that's really beside the point. Women are not property and just because a guy is dating someone does not give him the right to tell her who she can and can't hang out with, especially if he's trying to forbid her from haviing lunch with a guy she dated briefly years and years ago! I could see if they were a super serious couple and she wanted to see her ex frequently and regularly, but even then, no man should try and bar his girlfriend from doing anything...I'd lose a ton of respect for a guy who did this rather than respectfully expressing his feelings and requesting that I act accordingly. Telling her what to do and making her feel foolish for being friends with this guy will of course make her defensive and if she has any backbone at all, it's no surprise that she reacted by resolving to see whoever she wants regardless of what you attempt to forbid. If I was her, I'd see that as way out of line, cloying, clingy, and insecure behavior...not to mention that it was unnecessarily cruel to try and make her feel stupid and bad about how this guy treated her just to assuage your own insecurities. If you value her presence in your life, I'd suggest apologizing for being so controlling and mean to her rather than respecting her autonomy and not using what she's told you about her past as a weapon against her. If you aren't serious about her, I still think you'll face problems in the future by reacting to insecurities with efforts to be controlling, rather than mature, understanding, and respectful--you'll get much better results if you approach such issues as a woman's partner rather than her keeper. Good luck--hopefully you guys can work things out and not let this fight get in the way. And I'm sorry to react so strongly or if I misinterpreted what happened...I just can't help but feel like if a boyfriend ever tried to control who I could be friends with, he'd be an ex immediately, and I'm very glad that I've never encountered a guy who didn't sense this and respect my independence the way I expect.
[QUOTE]no man should try and bar his girlfriend from doing anything...I'd lose a ton of respect for a guy who did this rather than respectfully expressing his feelings and requesting that I act accordingly. Telling her what to do and making her feel foolish for being friends with this guy will of course make her defensive and if she has any backbone at all, it's no surprise that she reacted by resolving to see whoever she wants regardless of what you attempt to forbid. If I was her, I'd see that as way out of line, cloying, clingy, and insecure behavior...not to mention that it was unnecessarily cruel to try and make her feel stupid and bad about how this guy treated her just to assuage your own insecurities. If you value her presence in your life, I'd suggest apologizing for being so controlling and mean to her rather than respecting her autonomy and not using what she's told you about her past as a weapon against her. If you aren't serious about her, I still think you'll face problems in the future by reacting to insecurities with efforts to be controlling, rather than mature, understanding, and respectful--you'll get much better results if you approach such issues as a woman's partner rather than her keeper.[/QUOTE]

AMEN TO THAT!

I agree with the fact that it was totally unnecessary for you to say how he treated her. THAT was really personal stuff she shared with you - she doesnt need you bringing that up making her feel like an idiot - you cant blame her for getting upset and getting defensive.

There is nothing wrong with telling her you are NOT COMFORTABLE with her hanging out with her ex. You expressed your feelings but you should not tell her what to do or say those things to her!!!

[QUOTE]We're going to stay friends, no matter what you think[/QUOTE] Just think for a sec, did she say this to you because you were being controlling and you just made her feel really stupid by bringing her past with her ex? (bout him dumping her etc)

Yes many of you will say she is disregarding his feelings - that is true but can you blame her for getting angry and reacting that way after you jumping down her throat for being honest to you and telling she is hanging out with her ex. Dont you think, you disregarded her feelings too?
I recently went to a party thrown by a mutual friend of mine and an ex's. The ex didn't come because his wife would be upset if he would be in the same room as me. Our relationship wasn't that serious to him and it ended 8 years ago. but he had enough respect for his wife to not come because it would upset her. I don't really see the difference between that situation and this one. If your girlfriend has respect for your feelings and cares for you, she would take them into consideration in what she does. If it bothers you that she hangs out with this guy, if she had any respect for you, she would either only see him when you can come along, or cut him out. She's not showing any regard for your feelings or considerations. We have no idea what her real intentions or what the ex's intentions really are. But if she's really serious about you, she should respect you like my ex respected his wife and stay away from an old lover if it's going to bother you that much.
[QUOTE=Hiya]I recently went to a party thrown by a mutual friend of mine and an ex's. The ex didn't come because his wife would be upset if he would be in the same room as me. Our relationship wasn't that serious to him and it ended 8 years ago. but he had enough respect for his wife to not come because it would upset her. I don't really see the difference between that situation and this one. If your girlfriend has respect for your feelings and cares for you, she would take them into consideration in what she does. If it bothers you that she hangs out with this guy, if she had any respect for you, she would either only see him when you can come along, or cut him out. She's not showing any regard for your feelings or considerations.[/QUOTE]


I see a ton of differences between the two situations...first, your ex is MARRIED to his wife, not just dating her, and more importantly, your ex made no effort to maintain a friendship or any relationship with you and unlike the girlfriend in this thread, it's doubtful that your ex expressed any interest in going to the party to see you to his wife. She wasn't trying to get in the way of a five year friendship because she was insecure and threatened that the friendship was preceded by a two month fling. She also wasn't forbidding her husband to do something he wanted to do. Nini and Nina, you don't have to bend over backwards in order to adhere to men's every wish, especially those driven by insecurity and jealousy and a desire to be controlling, in order to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship based on mutual respect. In fact, if the girlfriend didn't stand up for herself and object to a guy she's seeing forbidding her to see a longtime friend, I'd say she'd be compromising any hope of an equal balance of power within her relationship. It makes me really sad to hear women argue that they need to cater and acquiesce to their partners' controlling demands in order to be good girlfriends and sustain good relationships, when in fact this couldn't be further from the truth. Any woman who has experienced a mature, healthy partnership between equals will tell you that NOT standing up for herself when her husband's insecurities lead him to try and control her to the point of forbidding her to have certain friends would pave the way for her partner to treat her with a disrespectful, authoritarian attitude that would make for an unequal distribution of power and control within their relationship (an imbalance which always undermines and eventually destroys all but the sickest relationships).





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