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Relationship Health Message Board


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Well let me throw in one man's opinion. First of all, I think that whole notion that men like a challenge or the thrill of the chase is a big myth. You're not a trophy or a prize. The man may feel good about himself when he finally does "catch" a woman, but most guys really hate the games of dating and if it feels like you're playing a game, we'll just stop chasing you. I've seen all these books come out about dating and they're just wrong. There was one about how playing hard to get will snag you a husband. No it won't. If a man thinks you're playing or just not interested, he'll just move on. As far as he's concerned, there are plenty of "other fish in the sea". Second, the book about how if a man doesn't ask you out, he's not just into you, that also is a big lie. Maybe you're his coworker and he can't risk getting in trouble, maybe he's convinced you're not interested, maybe he's just shy. There could be a bunch of reasons why he hasn't asked. Don't infer that just because he hasn't asked that he must not be interested.

Now as for a woman pursuing a man, I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. No one's asking you to throw yourself at him, but what is so wrong with letting a man know you're interested? Maybe the only thing stopping him from asking you out is that he's sure you're not interested and if you let him know you are, then he'll ask you out. I find it to be a huge contradiction that we tell women to be aggressive with their careers, but not with their personal lives. If a woman wants to be a doctor or lawyer, we tell her to not sit back and wait for it to be handed to her. If she wants it, she has to go after it. Why can't you apply the same to dating? Cause it's not "proper"? That sounds pretty old-fashioned.

I've had women ask me out in the past and I never thought less of them for it. I didn't think they were too forward, I didn't think to myself this woman must be promiscuous, and I didn't run away cause the woman was making the first move. If anything, I admired them for being honest and direct. I may not have always reciprocated that interest, but it never bothered me that they asked me out. In fact, I was very flattered. And if you're worried that by asking a guy out, he'll assume you're ready to have sex with him, guess what? The man who assumes that will make the same assumption if he asks you out and you say yes.

Bottom line is that if you're a woman and there's a man you're interested in, go ahead and take a chance.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]I agree with Proverbs too. I think a woman should definitely let the guy know she's interested in him by talking to him, smiling, some flirting, etc, but to blatantly pursue a man would most likely not work very well, other than with the extremely shy men who are somewhat socially awkward and uncomfortable about asking women out. With these guys, asking them out and making all the moves would most likely work great, because they would be greatful for a woman like that. However, from experience and conversations with guy friends, I came to the conclusion that confident and masculine men do not like to be overtly pursued. Well, the do "like" it, but it never leads to anything serious. I don't think "playing hard to get" is the answer either--I think showing a genuine interest without throwing ourselves at the guy is the optimal course of action, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Just my opinion.[/QUOTE]

Absolutely agree! I know its 2005, I'm not at all scared to ask a guy out, I have many times. But from my experience, not a good thing. And mom's influence was very strong.
[QUOTE=evy38]Unfortunately mothers are ofter right. And why would we want to take advice from people in the same boat as we are, instead of someone who was suscessful at building a lifelong relationship with a man, whoever that person may be?[/QUOTE]

Yup, different generation or not, I think human nature is still basically the same, as are some of the basic ideas of what's considered "feminine," "masculine," etc. For example, if I started calling and pursuing a man and then asked him out, I would feel like I'm taking on the masculine role, and it wouldn't feel good. It would also probably lay the ground for the rest of the relationship and I would probably end up always having to be the "masculine" one. Then what's next, should a woman also buy an engagement ring for the guy and then go down on one knee and propose?? See how silly this sounds? That's because on a core level, we haven't changed that much from our parents' generation. Women are equal to men, just different, and it's not a bad thing, either, in my opinion.
[QUOTE=mv118;3515475]I have read dating, psychology, and spiritual books... and on all of these different subjects I have read, the same thing, if the woman pursues a man, he may accept, for obvious reasons; he's flattered and it feels a like compliment... but the other side of the coin will be that when the relationship issues arise he will not put any effort into fixing the problem(s) all because he never moved a finger to pursue her, so now he lets her do the work, which in turn ends up causing heart-ache to her... bottom line -moral of the story is that the relationship is not destined to be in the first place, therefore it wont be very long lasting and even if it is...it'll be a painful one... Men MAY say "oh yea! its great when a woman makes the moves on me" but reality IS that they ARE NOT foreseeing the future outcome, which is when the turn into COLD FISH!
it's been proven time and time again...[/QUOTE]

I kind of have to agree with this statement.

In the past I made the horrible mistake of pursuing a guy friend that I was REALLY interested in. It basically backfired. :( Plus, I never really knew if he was actually interested in me also, or if he was just flattered or just being polite.

When I stopped caring so much, and pulled back on him (I did a complete 180!) guess what?? That's when he actually started making more of an effort to hang out with me/talk to me/flirt, etc. I still have to hold back though, because I like him so much. Plus, I'm still not 100% sure he's into me, or just misses the attention I used to give him.

So, bottom line...I've learned that it's best to just show the guy you're interested in subtle ways (flirt, talk to him, show a genuine personal interest in him, smile, look his way, good eye-contact, etc), but as far as actually calling him all the time, initiating everything, etc..... that usually backfires. It may make a guy interested in you for a little while, but I agree, it rarely ever develops into something long-lasting and long-term.

But women should also be cautioned at going the OTHER extreme which is playing "hard to get". I used to think that playing hard to get actually works. But usually it just gives the guy the impression that you're not that interested in him. Pretty soon he'll just end up pursuing a girl who IS interested in him and makes it easier to be "caught". Then, there's also the guy who may pursue and pursue until he has gotten you, but when he finally does snag you, you become "yesterdays' news" because all he was really interested in was the "challenge", and not really YOU as a person. Plus, by that time he's probably built up a lot of resentment for you since you played "hard to get" and made him pursue you so hard. :(





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