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Hi everyone,
Since last weekend, I couldn’t have a normal conversation with my bf. He made me feel terribly guilty and insecure tearing up the tickets and overdrinking. At work, I couldn’t reply to his emails. At home, I didn’t feel like talking to him and spent most of the time working for my exams. BUT I did support him financially because he was (again) left with nothing to live on the whole week!!! He asked me to go out and see Christmas lights with him, tried to be gentle and was very apologetic.
This morning things went wrong again, and I am starting to think is it because he’s getting paid? He said that he wanted to spend time on his own after work, because he needs to buy a present for his child! Now please tell me, am I that mean to feel bad again? This is the third weekend on the run he shows me that he is not considerate to the way I feel. When I asked him why did he want me to go out with him yesterday but now he wanted to be on his own, he just left the flat with no goodbye. This is unfair treatment. I have never had a material attitude (was always brought up in a decent, well-off background) but now I am starting to think that I am not working all week long to pay off your expenses while you work to drink and buy presents for all your family!
On top of all of this, he was told again that his child is coming over to his mum’s for Christmas, and that he should be there, and btw, I am spending Christmas alone! I mean I wouldn’t go there even if I was welcome but I feel awful. Please tell me is this material situation fair?
Sounds like hes after your money and little else. back off with the finacial help and see how he reacts. hes a grown man you should NOT be having to giVe him any money. Tell him THe buck stops today!
Definitely!!! I agree with garden cats..

Wait a minute... is this the guy who freaked because you got a call from a guy he seriously disliked? He was the one that went beserk and ripped the tickets and blamed you for re-living his drinking...am i right?

Ok first off, it was horrible that he made you feel bad when he is the one insecure! He is over the top controlling and insecure. Secondly, you are not being too material? Have you gone mad?! Why are you thinking that? Please dont blame yourself.. I dont understand why girlfriends blame themselves for their boyfriends' faults.

STOP GIVING THIS MAN MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont think I need to explain why you should not be doing this!! Look at what he is doing! He gets money from you, spends it so easily. Its great that he wants to buy a present for his child - but before that.. shouldnt he take care of himself first? You need to stop giving him money. He is no longer a child. If he is old enough to get tickets, get his phd, have a child - he should be old enough to pay for himself!

I think you are being too nice to this guy
Nina, I know you are a smart girl because I read your replies to others and they are so good! Yet you let this man walk all over you and treat you so bad. I know you have said you aren't able to let go yet, but hon, he is a horrible person.

Where is your family? Why aren't you going home for Christmas to be with them? He isn't even giving you a second thought, so why stay there? You should be surrounded by LOVE.

He should buy his son presents, but not at your expense. So you tell him that you are not giving him any more money and that he needs to stand on his own two feet. Because it sounds to me as if he drinks most of his money away trying to rid himself of some MAJOR guilt! None of which is your doing!

I wish you the strength to walk away, Nina. I really do!
The fact that he knows you'll be alone on Christmas and doesn't even give you the courtesy of an invite shows how into you this guy really is... I bet once you stop giving him financial aid he'll slowly keep backing off.

Why does he need to be alone to buy his son a present? That sounds like a really off the wall excuse...

Please, just don't let this guy walk all over you. You sound like an intelligent person that knows what she wants; you even say he is being inconsiderate of your feelings and acting like a jerk. You realize yourself that he's acting badly.

I'd just talk to him about what his intentions are, even if you have to be blunt about it. If he shrugs you off again or doesn't want to answer, just let it go and find someone who can be your equal rather than someone you need to pay for.
I don't know the backstory to this... but that over-the-top drama with ripping up tickets sounds like bad news. I'm not one of those people to tell everyone to just give up on a relationship at the first sign of problems ... I'm seeing a lot of that here ... but this guy really does sound like a bad one.
Thanks a lot for all your responses. I felt far better after I vented out here. Thanks Shell for your thoughts and kind comments.
He emailed me yesterday and said he didn't know he had upset me by suggesting being on his own, he said he only wanted to buy the present as quickly as possible and come straight back to the flat to finish some PhD work, then he asked me to meet him and go shopping first as the toy shop is open until late. He said that he was looking forwards to meeting me. So I met him and I told him that I really didn't need to buy anything. We then went to the toy shop and bought a lovely train set. He invited me to a nice meal.
I think that I only wanted him to involve me in all that and I felt a million times better being with him when he bought the toy. I honestly don't mind if things are done in a nice way. Money never mattered/will matter to me. He knows I am quite generous, esp when it comes to children. I spoil my nephew but I never make him feel second best.
He also said that he thought of a lovely Christmas present for me but I told him that I really really don't want one. I might try and spend Christmas and my birthday (27 Dec)with my family, although they live hours away.

Anyway guys, thanks a million for being there for me,I feel much better now!
Just dont let him take advantage of you Nina. You are a wonderful person for being so helpful and generous - just dont let him take advantage of you. It is not your job to support him financially.
All Im saying is, he should spend time with you because he means it not because he can squeeze cash out of you. I know that sounds horrible and I hope that is not the case... you deserve better!

Im glad you are feeling much better Nina
Bluntly speaking, he sounds awful and pretty useless. You should not have to spend the holidays and your birthday alone when you're in a relationship, and especially considering how supportive, understanding, and generous you have been to him! You are doing ALL the giving and he's doing ALL the taking. I agree with Nick: what kind of future do you have with this man? If you ever marry him, do you expect to continue supporting him financially, spending the holidays alone and never be involved in his son's life??? That's not how things progress in a healthy relationship. You're supposedly in a "relationship," but really, you're on your own. I think it would be better to cut your losses and try to find a man who can be your true partner and include you in his life.
Nina, I am so happy that all worked out! Maybe he will see that by making just a small gesture as inviting you to help buy gifts and then out to dinner after is all it takes to make peace. Sometimes men don't think of these things right off, but now that he has, he may remember in the future.

My hubby's birthday is also Dec. 27th. Of course, he is much older then you!! I keep threatening to trade him in on a younger model!!LOL
Yes Shell I agree--but not on trading your poor hubby for a younger model :) :D
Sometimes you have to spoonfeed men what is hurtful and what is not. It only took him a reassuring email to change my whole mood! It's amazing how dependent on others our happiness can be!
I also agree with Sophia that there are some long-term problems between me and him. I will try to discuss these issues with him. The thing Sophia is that he's unintentionally irresponsible. Also, his attitude towards spending on me has changed a lot (mainly through the blame of his mum and ex, I am convinced). In the past, he used to treat me so fairly. But everytime he sees his mum/speaks to his ex, he seems to change for a while. His ex is always on the phone complaining to his mum that he is not sending her more money. What makes me upset is things like I bought him a great PC that cost me a fortune for his birthday. I know how into computers he is! However I knew later that his ex kept his PC and didn't accept to give it to him, and he wouldn't even ask her to. He's too soft to do this! Things like this hurt me.
Yesterday, he set a direct debit on his account to pay for the rent, and I agreed that I will pay for the bills.
Adrian, thanks a lot for your support!!! I hope that you are feeling great yourself.
Nina, would you consider a few sessions of couples counceling to get yourselves back on track? He has to learn to let go of his Mom and ex. He needs a relationship with his son, but not at YOUR expense. I believe a councelor may help him to see this and also may help the two of you to communicate better.

Don't worry I won't trade in my hubby, I couldn't keep up with anyone younger myself!!LOL
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Bluntly speaking, he sounds awful and pretty useless. You should not have to spend the holidays and your birthday alone when you're in a relationship, and especially considering how supportive, understanding, and generous you have been to him! You are doing ALL the giving and he's doing ALL the taking. I agree with Nick: what kind of future do you have with this man? If you ever marry him, do you expect to continue supporting him financially, spending the holidays alone and never be involved in his son's life??? That's not how things progress in a healthy relationship. You're supposedly in a "relationship," but really, you're on your own. I think it would be better to cut your losses and try to find a man who can be your true partner and include you in his life.[/QUOTE]

I couldn't agree more with Sophia's assessment, particularly in light of your most recent thread and how he has repeated the same selfish, hurtful behavior that he seems to have demonstrated all too frequently. I know you are looking to settle down with one guy and be loyal and devoted to him, and while that's quite admirable, it's important to ensure that the man you choose treats you with the same consideration as you show him. I can't help but think that all women deserve better than a man who takes her money and lets her support him when it comes to necessities, then spends his own money on gifts and on supporting his ex. Did I read your post right that you bought him a nice new computer as a gift and then his ex took it and he didn't have the nerve to confront her and demand it back? And that he pays her rent while relying on you to support him? Does he pay the rent for the place you two share or do you have to cover that as well? You've posted several times about how you resent (quite logically and understandably) his spending so much of his money and time, especially weekend time, with his family and not making you a priority. He seems to have a habit of doing whatever he wants and making you feel guilty for wanting any consideratioin or sacrifice from him, while not hesitating to get angry and run away if you are ever upset about his selfish behavior and his taking you for granted. It seems to me that the way he treats you and how he blames you for everything that goes wrong in his life (like his not seeing his son, which is cruel and absurd!) and in the relationship, including his own immature and outrageous behavior, is a form of emotional abuse that no woman should have to tolerate. For instance, his getting drunk and blaming you for the entire incident regarding his trip and the tickets and his jealousy that your male friend called is extremely appalling and borderline abusive...it really concerns me that you give any credence whatsoever to his ludicrous claims that your disagreements and his rude, immature, and inconsiderate behavior is in any way your fault. I just don't see this man bringing nearly as much of a positive influence into your life compared to the negative, upsetting effect he exerts. Not to mention the practical effect of him being in your life and spending his money predominantly on things that either he wants or that his family and ex insist he buy, leaving you in the position of going without things you both want and need and even having to support him when he runs out of money...shouldn't your partner be making you his first priority when it comes to both his time and money? He certainly shouldn’t be making your life more difficult and painful and taking you for granted, even taking advantage of you, financially and emotionally.

For your sake, I really, truly hope you are not still planning on marrying this man in the near future. I'm sorry for being so blunt and negative about your boyfriend, but I can't help but feel certain that you deserve to be treated a million times better, with much more concern and consideration, than your boyfriend has demonstrated on far too many occasions. I know that while this relationship seems healthier and more fulfilling than your past, extremely abusive relationship, but this relationship is borderline abusive too and not even close to the kind of mutually gratifying, mature, and indisputably life-enriching relationship everyone should strive for. There is no reason for you to settle for less than a wonderful boyfriend who treats you like a queen, but unfortunately your current partner displays many concerning behaviors and red flags that reveal he is not the kind of partner who can make a woman happy and fulfilled in the long run, not to mention the disturbing fact that his family doesn’t accept and include you and seems to repeatedly try to meddle in your relationship and drive you two apart. I know you want to be in a stable, long term relationship, but I hope you realize that you would be settling for a lot less than you deserve if you stay with this man and that you might not be in the best state of mind, considering your feelings for your BF and your past experience with abuse, to determine whether or not a partner is well-suited to make you feel happy and cherished for a long time to come. I hope you find the kind of loving, secure, and fulfilling lifelong partnership you desire with the kind of wonderful, caring man you deserve to have in your life. Please don’t settle for anything less (particularly not a man who, as you said, makes you feel bad, guilty, and “takes out his misery on you when he drinks”) no matter how much you care for someone who doesn’t treat you as well as he should and no matter how much you want to be in a long term relationship.





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