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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=SophiaM]Bluntly speaking, he sounds awful and pretty useless. You should not have to spend the holidays and your birthday alone when you're in a relationship, and especially considering how supportive, understanding, and generous you have been to him! You are doing ALL the giving and he's doing ALL the taking. I agree with Nick: what kind of future do you have with this man? If you ever marry him, do you expect to continue supporting him financially, spending the holidays alone and never be involved in his son's life??? That's not how things progress in a healthy relationship. You're supposedly in a "relationship," but really, you're on your own. I think it would be better to cut your losses and try to find a man who can be your true partner and include you in his life.[/QUOTE]

I couldn't agree more with Sophia's assessment, particularly in light of your most recent thread and how he has repeated the same selfish, hurtful behavior that he seems to have demonstrated all too frequently. I know you are looking to settle down with one guy and be loyal and devoted to him, and while that's quite admirable, it's important to ensure that the man you choose treats you with the same consideration as you show him. I can't help but think that all women deserve better than a man who takes her money and lets her support him when it comes to necessities, then spends his own money on gifts and on supporting his ex. Did I read your post right that you bought him a nice new computer as a gift and then his ex took it and he didn't have the nerve to confront her and demand it back? And that he pays her rent while relying on you to support him? Does he pay the rent for the place you two share or do you have to cover that as well? You've posted several times about how you resent (quite logically and understandably) his spending so much of his money and time, especially weekend time, with his family and not making you a priority. He seems to have a habit of doing whatever he wants and making you feel guilty for wanting any consideratioin or sacrifice from him, while not hesitating to get angry and run away if you are ever upset about his selfish behavior and his taking you for granted. It seems to me that the way he treats you and how he blames you for everything that goes wrong in his life (like his not seeing his son, which is cruel and absurd!) and in the relationship, including his own immature and outrageous behavior, is a form of emotional abuse that no woman should have to tolerate. For instance, his getting drunk and blaming you for the entire incident regarding his trip and the tickets and his jealousy that your male friend called is extremely appalling and borderline abusive...it really concerns me that you give any credence whatsoever to his ludicrous claims that your disagreements and his rude, immature, and inconsiderate behavior is in any way your fault. I just don't see this man bringing nearly as much of a positive influence into your life compared to the negative, upsetting effect he exerts. Not to mention the practical effect of him being in your life and spending his money predominantly on things that either he wants or that his family and ex insist he buy, leaving you in the position of going without things you both want and need and even having to support him when he runs out of money...shouldn't your partner be making you his first priority when it comes to both his time and money? He certainly shouldn’t be making your life more difficult and painful and taking you for granted, even taking advantage of you, financially and emotionally.

For your sake, I really, truly hope you are not still planning on marrying this man in the near future. I'm sorry for being so blunt and negative about your boyfriend, but I can't help but feel certain that you deserve to be treated a million times better, with much more concern and consideration, than your boyfriend has demonstrated on far too many occasions. I know that while this relationship seems healthier and more fulfilling than your past, extremely abusive relationship, but this relationship is borderline abusive too and not even close to the kind of mutually gratifying, mature, and indisputably life-enriching relationship everyone should strive for. There is no reason for you to settle for less than a wonderful boyfriend who treats you like a queen, but unfortunately your current partner displays many concerning behaviors and red flags that reveal he is not the kind of partner who can make a woman happy and fulfilled in the long run, not to mention the disturbing fact that his family doesn’t accept and include you and seems to repeatedly try to meddle in your relationship and drive you two apart. I know you want to be in a stable, long term relationship, but I hope you realize that you would be settling for a lot less than you deserve if you stay with this man and that you might not be in the best state of mind, considering your feelings for your BF and your past experience with abuse, to determine whether or not a partner is well-suited to make you feel happy and cherished for a long time to come. I hope you find the kind of loving, secure, and fulfilling lifelong partnership you desire with the kind of wonderful, caring man you deserve to have in your life. Please don’t settle for anything less (particularly not a man who, as you said, makes you feel bad, guilty, and “takes out his misery on you when he drinks”) no matter how much you care for someone who doesn’t treat you as well as he should and no matter how much you want to be in a long term relationship.





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