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I know it seems as if there is something lacking in my relationship, and if there was I would be telling it. I think the only disadvantage my boyfriend and I have is our distance - I knew being apart would be difficult, but I seriously didn't think any guys around here would be stupid or desperate enough to fall for me (believe you me, I'm nothing to ogle over). And I just can't believe that I had fallen for a close friend - I know very well that I don't love him - it's an infatuation. I know if I could see my boyfriend even like once or twice a quarter, I wouldn't have felt the urge to get physically involved with my loneliness got the best of me, and while I know I should have used some self-control, it's hard to turn away when a guy whom you have even a tiny crush on is passionately kissing you.

I had told my boyfriend bits and pieces of what had happened...I told him that Bobby admitted he cared about me and that he had kissed me...and that I told Bobby I loved my boyfriend. I didn't tell him that he and I had made out, especially since my body was doing its own talking and began to encourage Bobby a lot. My boyfriend was pretty accepting even of the fact that Bobby kissed me (he's obviously not a very jealous or paranoid guy), but as said, he doesn't know the whole story. I'm going to make sure this does not become a regular way of life for me, because I can't stay with my boyfriend and use my friend simply to cure my physical least not the way we had been doing last night. i enjoy his company because he's a fun person to be around and he can make me laugh and all, so I don't mind his company when we can just hang out normally. But I think I will keep this secret hidden - I don't want to cause my boyfriend any unnecessary emotional pain when all he has ever done is love me as much as his heart can love.

I don't think Bobby was head-over-heels for me, and I think he'll eventually forget this despite the heated moments we had shared. But in all honesty, I think I would rather endure loneliness and tears rather than feel the guilt of knowing I had shown physical affection for another guy who I merely had a crush on and who was a good friend. I knew a long-distance relationship would be hard and emotionally torturous, but I know I love my boyfriend - I've never loved another like I love him, and I know that no other guy would ever love me the way my boyfriend does; I know that, if I didn't love him as much as I do, or at all, I would not have felt such terrible remorse for what I had done with Bobby.

My loneliness is not just a need for affection - I have no other friends besides Bobby, and after last night, I may have no friends at all. I have been here over 6 weeks and have made a couple fo friends, but Bobby is the only friend I've made who doesn't ignore me. I'm not a social person, so I suffer loneliness very very often.

Thank you for your advice, CyberNick...I think I just really need to relax and try to clear my mind, hopefully putting all that has happened this past night behind me. I need not cause my boyfriend unneeded sadness, and I can only pray now that I have not lost my only college friend because of our escapade.

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