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I'm sure some of you might remember my post here recently pertaining to my friend "Bobby", whom I had a bit of a crush on. Well, things took a turn for the worst last night...things went on that I did not intend to happen.

Bobby knew I had been feeling really depressed lately out of loneliness, and last night, because he wasn't busy, he came to see me. My roommates were gone for the night, so we were by ourselves. We had started talking about random things and continued to do so for about 2 hours before we started being goofy and got into a playful fight and tried to tickle each other, but Bobby had ended up falling on me and sort of pinned me. After a long while of silence, he began to kiss my neck...part of me was enjoying this gesture, and the other part wasn't. I wanted to say "stop", but the words weren't coming out because I was still trying to think if I was dreaming or if what was happening was real. I kept cringing while he did this, and eventually I pushed him away, and he had apologized.

Some time later, he had told me pretty straightforwardly that he had feelings for me, which came as a shock to me with the kisses he gave. Eventually we dropped the subject and began another playfight and, this time, Bobby had managed to pin me on my back again and pinned my hands over my head so I couldn't move. He sat and just stared into my eyes for what seemed like hours, and then when I least expected it, he kissed me on the mouth. My mind was shouting out to me to make him stop, but my body wouldn't cooperate with my mind's commands. What began as one gentle kiss led to a pretty long make-out escapade; at the very VERY least, the worst that we had done was kiss...we had not touched one another in imtimate ways, which I would not have allowed anyway.

When our heated moment had ended, I realized just what I had done, and I broke into tears as I thought of my boyfriend and how I betrayed his trust. I know my body was suffering chronic loneliness, but that was no excuse for me to allow Bobby to do what he did. I know a very small part of this was his fault because he knew I had a boyfriend, and he still put the moves on me. But the great majority of it was my fault, for allowing him to advance so much and possibly for leading him to believe there was the possibility of a relationship. I told Bobby that, despite what had happened between us, I was truly in love with my boyfriend. He was accepting of this at first, but after I had cried and regretted it, I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or serious with some of what he said. I had begun to cry because I feared I would lose his friendship (Bobby being my only friend here), but I cried even more so thinking about what I had done to the guy I love.

I feel terrible knowing that I allowed this to happen...I know that, if I didn't have even the littlest crush on Bobby, I would not have allowed him to do what he did, but my stupid school-girl crush made my body think it was okay to let him kiss me. I can't tell my boyfriend about this because he would be devastated knowing that I had betrayed the trust he had in me. I admit that I do not love Bobby, so I am not going back on my word that I would never love another as much as my boyfriend, but I still cheated.

I want to tell my boyfriend so I can get this awful secret off my chest, but I know that I can't because it'll hurt him so much. I feel so dirty knowing that I have done something so terrible to him when he has done nothing but love me.

Have any of you ever had experiences like this? Any thoughts on how I can begin to cope with these painful feelings?
Hmm, let me see if I can answer some of the questions you guys have asked...

[quote="adrianamaxim"]I dont really know where your boyrfriend is and whether or not he has plans of coming back.[/quote]

My boyfriend is back in my hometown while I'm at college 500 miles away. We have not seen one another in over six weeks, and since I have no cellphone, I can't call him whenever I please - i need to go to the school and use their phones, so I usually can only get the chance to speak with him once a week, or twice on rare occasions...though I admit I once went two weeks without calling anyone...boyfriend or family or mom. I do communicate with him over AIM and through emails every day, so that's a plus - we aren't totally without conversation. He wants to come and visit me sometime via plane or bus, but he has no money (is looking for a job still), and his parents are hurting very badly for money, so they can't lend him any for any kind of tickets. He also doesn't have a driver's license, so he can't drive himself down here.

Thank you for your insight, AdrianaMaxim...what happened with your male friend is precisely what happened with mine. And also, I did not know that Bobby had feelings for me until he kissed me the first time...of course, he admitted it to me later, but the kiss was sort of a dead giveaway. But of course, when we had our playful fights, I did not know how he had felt because most of them happened before he kissed me.

[quote="redsoxgirl2418"]if you see your boyfriend as little as you say (since you said not even once or twice a quarter), maybe you guys should talk about not being exclusive. Not seeing each other now is going to be very taxing on the both of you. Obviously you're very lonely and, whether subconsciously or not, craving attention, both physical and not. Who knows how he is dealing with it.[/quote]

I have yet to see my boyfriend since I left, sadly. I don't think he would be too happy about us not being exclusive because it would just seem too much like cheating to both of us...and I know that my boyfriend has always had a very difficult time finding a girlfriend because there's not many likeable girls around my hometown - most of them are the "love 'em and leave 'em" type, and I just wouldn't want my boyfriend to feel the pain of rejection even if he's got me. Besides, he's got all our friends back home that visit him or he visits and they have a blast together...if I had such friends here, I wouldn't be lonely and I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

And I know how my poor boyfriend is dealing with our distance - he dislikes it tremendously. Both of us have cried many times for each other when emotions run high...since my boyfriend doesn't get out very much (he's already graduated high school, but he's still at home), he doesn't get the opportunity to meet many girls anyway. I don't know if he suffers such intense loneliness as I do...I cry at least 4 days out of the week out of loneliness and I have attempted to slit my wrists during my most depressing times...yeah I attempted, but I never got more than a little scratch because I'm not an experienced "cutter" and I'm a baby when it comes to pain.

[quote="elatedgiraffe"]Having experince with long distnace relationships and having alot of guys friends that I have sometimes developed little crushes on....my advice is this: honesty. I beleive that it is better to have a relationship built on honestly and trust than a relationship that isn't honest. I would always question if the person that is with me is because it is real or only because of deception. So I say you should tell him and see what happens...life is about being accountable and dealing with the consquences, otherwise you never know what is real or not. Its up to you..it was just a kiss, but if he kissed someone else, would you want him to tell you?[/quote]

I really do want to tell him the whole story, but I just don't think I can do it now, if I do tell him. I'm still trying to absorb the fact that I had made out with my friend. I know my boyfriend is a very understanding guy, but I wouldn't want him to believe that I was falling in love with my friend because of the fact that I had encouraged some of the action. I know my boyfriend told me before we began dating that, if his girlfriend cheated on him, be it kissing another guy or having sex, he would want her to be honest and tell him; he admitted he would not get mad and break up with her or hurt her if he was truly in love. He would sit her down and just ask why she did it and if what she did was the result of something that he (my boyfriend) was not doing or not giving. Even with this reassurance, I still feel awful knowing I've betrayed him. I admit that if he did anything with another girl that exceeded friendship, I would want him to tell me and I would take the same course of action as him - I would just talk to him about it.

I'm such an internet junkie, replying like every hour here. I apologize if some or most of what I write in my replies is venting, but this is just a difficult situation. I cry knowing I've violated my boyfriend's trust, and I cry knowing I might possibly lose my best and only college friend. *sigh* It's just not my day today...

But I thank you all very, very much for your wonderful insights - you're really helping me to better understand this mess I've gotten myself into.





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