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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=greeneyes100]I think you always have a small piece of your heart that stays with the first man you ever fell in love with. I think when you finally do fall in love with someone else, that the major portion of the pain goes away. And, the good news is: THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE! When you least expect it, you fall in love again!

I was reading an article the other day that said most people "look too hard" to find that special person. Instead, they should just get to know the people that are in their everyday lives and right in front of them. I really think love happens when you are not consciously looking for it. That's when it's always happens to me. But, I fall in love (or at least lust) about every 6 months! :D :D[/QUOTE]

Well, not me. I don't fall in love easily. It's very hard for me to fall in love. Maybe that's why once I do, it seems like it's "for life." It's so rare for me that I take it too seriously and I can't let it go. To be honest, I don't like to start new relationships. I am usually more inclined to work on the old one because once I get attached to someone, I somehow can't get "disattached." That's probably my biggest problem. Even with this guy who I'm so crazy about--when I first met him, I didn't like him that much. It was his sheer persistance and being crazy about me that turned me on. In fact, the first two times we made love, I kind of forced myself to do it, but then got addicted to it! :D For me, I have to kind of get used to someone, even if I find them physically attractive, and if he seems to be really into me, keeps in regular contact and keeps asking me out--my feelings then start to grow. But so few men nowadays have the patience for it. I don't know how my life is going to turn out. I sometimes think I'm a contradiction in terms because I"m very liberal and at the same time somewhat conservative. I can get pretty wild, but it would only take a very special person to bring that out in me. Most men just bore me, to be honest.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Reddor, you just nailed it--I am totally Idealizing this relationship, with a capital "I" !!! Yes, I sometimes tend to forget what a stubborn, temperamental, and hard to get along with person my ex is. Instead, I selectively focus on the good parts, his intellectual abilities, and the passion we've had. That damn "passion"--life seems so blah without it! I so want to experience it again, but without all the negative things. I mean, what is the meaning of life if it's all work and not much else? Even the "fun" I have on some of the dates with the online guys is not cutting it for me. It's all so volatile and I can't even count on them calling again after a relatively good date. The men I've been meeting lately seem to be getting worse and worse! I miss a deeper connection with someone. I had a deeper connection with him, despite the drawbacks and the fact he drove me crazy more than anyone else. He went out with some girls after me but apparently wasn't able to fall in love. He even told me his friends and him would go out and women would come up to them and give them their numbers (that's how desperate some women are!), and they would talk to them but later throw the numbers out once they left the place. He said he couldn't find a meaningful connection with anyone after me. Oh well, I should just forget the ba****d and concentrate on my studies. I don't understand why people just can't get along.[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry you're still struggling with this, Sophia. Are you done with your mid terms? Are finals coming up soon? probably a week or so before Christmas, yes? Yes, I'd say do what you can to focus more on your studies. I'm not sure you'd feel any better if your ex did meet someone else and fall in love and get married, but it must be frustrating to feel this way over someone, and know that on some level he feels the same way, but you just can't seem to work it out. Would it work for you to just shelf men altogether at least until the semester's over? I've found that's the only thing that brings me any sort of peace of mind. I hate going out on awful, boring blind dates, they only make me feel more lonely. At least for now, I've accepted the fact that love just isn't in the cards for me, and although it doesn't help with the sadness and loneliness, I have found a certain peace of mind with knowing that even though I'm not happy at all, I am fulfilling my destiny, and should be at peace with it. Would that work for you, at least for the time being?
[QUOTE=Hiya]I'm sorry you're still struggling with this, Sophia. Are you done with your mid terms? Are finals coming up soon? probably a week or so before Christmas, yes? Yes, I'd say do what you can to focus more on your studies. I'm not sure you'd feel any better if your ex did meet someone else and fall in love and get married, but it must be frustrating to feel this way over someone, and know that on some level he feels the same way, but you just can't seem to work it out. Would it work for you to just shelf men altogether at least until the semester's over? I've found that's the only thing that brings me any sort of peace of mind. I hate going out on awful, boring blind dates, they only make me feel more lonely. At least for now, I've accepted the fact that love just isn't in the cards for me, and although it doesn't help with the sadness and loneliness, I have found a certain peace of mind with knowing that even though I'm not happy at all, I am fulfilling my destiny, and should be at peace with it. Would that work for you, at least for the time being?[/QUOTE]

Oh, Nini, the last two sentences made me SO sad. You are NOT fulfilling your destiny, and neither am I! Actually, I feel the exact opposite--like it's NOT my destiny and like there's so much more inside me that I have yet to explore and express but for some reason, I can't find the right person to express it with! That's the most frustrating part. Because I know that, for example, if this guy could be just a little less "difficult," we could have a fantastic time together! But his dark side is ruining everything! I mean, I know I"m pretty easy to get along with, and even if I have an argument with someone, I don't hold a grudge for long, so if he could be the same way, we could have a great relationship. But he's not. He's a guy who takes everything too seriously and will give you the silent treatment for days, while you're agonizing if things are over "for good" yet again. :rolleyes:

Yeah, I'm sort of concentrating on school work (have tons of papers and finals coming up too) and I also work part time, but, hmm, well, I'm just too damn efficient, it seems. ;) NOT that I'm complaining, god forbid, but even with the six classes and one lab I'm taking and the part-time job, evidently, I still have "too much time on my hands" to obsess about my ex. I just work well under pressure, so I don't have to study as long as some other people. I've always been this way. I just read something once and remember it. I thought grad school would help me in just forgeting everything else, but it doesn't. It doesn't fulfill my other needs, which are apparently stronger. If anything, I only focus extra-hard and get my projects done in half the time, so I have more time for "obsessing." Sounds insane, I know :rolleyes:
[QUOTE=reddoorblack]Bingo! That's what they are, for the most part, awful, boring, blind dates. That's why I started my thread (online dating spin-off, first dates). I dread them. I feel like when I get to my car after them, I can't get away quick enough. Out of all the dates I've had this year, there was only one guy that I really liked (the guy I was supposed to go to the wedding with) but he dumped me. I don't think it's a bad idea to shelf guys for a while. Sophia, you are young and beautiful and have so much going for yourself. How about taking a break? You've already taken a online dating break. How about just concentrating on school and yourself right now. There is SOOOO much pressure in our society to have a mate/partner. It's unfair.[/QUOTE]

There's pressure from everywhere. Family, friends, society, and from ourselves. I know for myself, I create the most pressure for myself. I just hate being single. I hate having to face old age alone, knowing I never got to be loved by anyone, not even for a little while, it just makes me sadder than I can say, and the holidays do tend to play it up, with all the commercials and shows and movies featuring happy families, kids running around, home and hearth and all that. If I hear "every Kiss begins with Kay" one more time, I think I'll scream! :eek: this time of year can be hard for some people, but not so much for others, but I guess the trick is to be happy with what you have and not focus on what you don't have. Of course, that's also tricky when all you have is an empty little apartment, Lean Cuisine, Sex and the CIty reruns and a floppy-eared dog. More than some have, yes, but a far cry from what I picture when I think of what it means to me to be "happy" and "blessed."
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Well, not me. I don't fall in love easily. It's very hard for me to fall in love. Maybe that's why once I do, it seems like it's "for life." It's so rare for me that I take it too seriously and I can't let it go. To be honest, I don't like to start new relationships. I am usually more inclined to work on the old one because once I get attached to someone, I somehow can't get "disattached." That's probably my biggest problem. Even with this guy who I'm so crazy about--when I first met him, I didn't like him that much. It was his sheer persistance and being crazy about me that turned me on. In fact, the first two times we made love, I kind of forced myself to do it, but then got addicted to it! :D For me, I have to kind of get used to someone, even if I find them physically attractive, and if he seems to be really into me, keeps in regular contact and keeps asking me out--my feelings then start to grow. But so few men nowadays have the patience for it. I don't know how my life is going to turn out. I sometimes think I'm a contradiction in terms because I"m very liberal and at the same time somewhat conservative. I can get pretty wild, but it would only take a very special person to bring that out in me. Most men just bore me, to be honest.[/QUOTE]

Yes, I'm sorry you are struggling with this too, Sophia. It seems like a lot of men would be waiting in line for you simply BECAUSE you don't fall in love so easily. You are the challenge most men seek! So, it's not necessarily a bad quality.

I"m probably not enough of a challenge and open up too soon. There's probably a happy medium somewhere in between.

It seems like, lately, I've been finding more men I'm attracted to. I think the reason this keeps happening is because I'm not necessarily looking to meet someone for the long haul. At my age, it's just not that important anymore. What's really important to me right now is enjoying each day as much as I possibly can and each person that passes into my life as much as I can. I don't really worry about getting married because it doesn't really matter to me if I do or not.

Really, it's not how long a relationship lasts, but the quality of the relationship that counts most to me. So, guess when I'm dating someone, I don't worry about whether or not it's going to last and just enjoy the present. It is hard to do, especially if you want marriage and children.

But, you could try to pretend that you don't want to get married when you go out and just enjoy the moment.

Somehow, you have got to get past this ex-boyfriend of yours. Something is definitely unresolved here between you two. I think it's funny you haven't heard from him yet. But don't let it get you down if you don't hear from him. He might be waiting to return the email to get a rise out of you!

You are just going through a dry spell right now. I really think you should have left your ad online though.

Take care. ;)
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Oh, Nini, the last two sentences made me SO sad. You are NOT fulfilling your destiny, and neither am I! Actually, I feel the exact opposite--like it's NOT my destiny and like there's so much more inside me that I have yet to explore and express but for some reason, I can't find the right person to express it with! That's the most frustrating part. Because I know that, for example, if this guy could be just a little less "difficult," we could have a fantastic time together! But his dark side is ruining everything! I mean, I know I"m pretty easy to get along with, and even if I have an argument with someone, I don't hold a grudge for long, so if he could be the same way, we could have a great relationship. But he's not. He's a guy who takes everything too seriously and will give you the silent treatment for days, while you're agonizing if things are over "for good" yet again. :rolleyes:
:[/QUOTE]

Well, on the one hand, I'm really glad you haven't given up yet, that's the last thing I want you to do, I'm just saying that's what seems to work best in my case. Seeing how devoted my ex is to his wife, and how willing he is to bend to her temper and whims when he would never listen to a thing I ever said, and my being the only woman he treated the way he did, I can see now I was crazy for ever thinking anyone could ever really love me. But I know what you mean about the frustration. I just can't handle that frustration anymore, of feeling like I have so much love and passion to give, but no one to give it to, for me it's just more bearable to get through the day if I just take all that passion and longing and just lock it up in a little box deep inside me and try to forget about it. If I allow myself to think about love or romance or finding a man or hoping for love, whatever, I'd go stark raving mad.

But about what you said about your ex, I used to feel the same way about mine too, before he married. "If only he would just" "if he could just do this that or the other, or if I could just do this that or the other, now that I know better, blah blah etc etc" but you know, he will always be who he is, or at least who he is when he's with you. It's nothing but a waste of time to wish that he will magically become someone else. As much as we would wish, close doesn't get you a cigar. He has a lot of growing up to do, and only he can make the decision to go off and do it. Maybe he will be the person you're hoping for when he returns, maybe not, but I wouldn't suggest hanging all your hopes on that. He has his journey, and you have yours, and only fate and time will tell if your paths will cross again someday, but you can't force him to become someone he' doesn't want or isn't ready to become.


[QUOTE=SophiaM]I only focus extra-hard and get my projects done in half the time, so I have more time for "obsessing." Sounds insane, I know :rolleyes:[/QUOTE]

No, I don't think it sounds insane at all. When my ex dumped me, I tried like crazy to focus on work and drown myself in it, but the more I tried, the more burned out I felt and the more silly it seemed, and the more meaningless my work became to me. When you aren't having your most basic needs met, nothing else really seems important, so you don't want to dwell on it. It's human nature to spend the most physical and mental time and energy on the things that mean the most to us. School means a lot to you, but maybe not as much as finding love, having someone to hold and kiss and wake up with, etc. that's a strong need of yours that isn't being met, so it's hard for you to spend a lot of energy on something else as long as you don't have what you want and need the most. We just have to keep hanging in there. But I'm glad to hear it isn't too much of a struggle for you, and you're doing well in your studies. Keep up the good work!
[QUOTE=SophiaM]I don't feel like I'm "destined" to be without romance. And you shouldn't either. It will happen, when it's supposed to.[/QUOTE]

Well, that's good, Sophia. I try to stay positive too, but it's hard sometimes, especially at my age. But, I have noticed I do attract lots of men around 45 to 50 who seem very interested and are attractive to me.

I'm going to start being really selective about who I get intimate with from now on.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]I don't see how it's an example of anything. You get a grip yourself! I don't need someone to speak to me in that self righteous tone.

Anyway, I have nothing more to say on this subject. I'm letting my ex go.[/QUOTE]

Whooo Hooo, I still say, "!!!! GET A GRIP !!!!" Now tell me what tone that is? :D :p I'm laughing hard!

Now to a more serious note or tone or whatever (snickering). I do think some folks take this relationship thing a bit tooo far. Maybe it is too much television that has got some folk's heads spinning in various ways as to what the definition of a relationship is all about. One sees romance and relationships on TV and those may be all so loving and perfect in a perfect world. NOT! Reality eventually sets in for some, others will remain living in fantasy.

I just got through talking to some collegues at work about relationships. Talk about shopping lists! Being too picky! Etc, etc. Most want to try to change their spouses or significant others. Some want that fantasy big booby person or that hung like a bear one. So then when the person gets these things, then something else will be on the menu.

I say, get that cloning to where it is a 100%, where people can pick their potential mates, and never have a care in the world! Life will be good---and you know, even if this were reality, people would find something else to B**** about.

Can't get noooo satisfaction---wasn't that a song? :jester:





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