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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

It does totally suck to be alone at the holidays, and maybe this season does tend to make people go for relationships they wouldn't normally pursue, but I'm not sure if I see that trend here on this board. Maybe I haven't been paying enough attention, not sure.

As for "relationship material," I think a lot of the women here who are and have been looking for good, long term relationships have a good idea of what they consider "relationship material." I think it means different things to different people. I met a man at an open mike about 5 years ago, and though I wasn't interested in him at all romantically, he made no secret of being very attracted to me (for those of you who remember, he was the guy who ripped the Snapple out of my hand and said through clentched teeth "I"M BUYING YOU A DRINK!" He told me about other times when he lost his temper so badly he had to be removed from the situation by other people. Even to this day he always gets to talking about his ex wife and can't mention her without saying "bi***" at least twice. I mentioned a trip I took to Florida and he asked me who I went with and said if I went with another guy, he'd be pissed (this was before I had even met him). This guy told me he wanted to form a band with me, so I wasted 7 months of my life practicing in his basement and only had 3 songs together to show for it. He never gave me a list of songs he knew, or tapes of songs he knew, never bothered to learn the songs I knew, even when I gave him tapes, he was too busy worshipping me to keep the promise he made to me as a fellow human being. Then fall came, he and his pal got a gig, and he had to nerve to ask me if I would sit him with the two of them, since we all only knew 3 songs together, and help them look good, and be the only one not getting paid for it. This is when I had had enough and ended contact with him, and hadn't heard from him in five years. The mutual friend, as a freakish coincidence, was telling me about his new roommate last spring when he moved into some house, and he mentioned his name and the fact that he plays. I was being facetious when I said "oh, does he look like thus and so and say thus and so all the time?" And my friend said "yeah, why?" I dropped a brick when it turned out to be the same guy I had known five years ago. Anyway, to get the point, my friend thinks the world of this guy, even though he is currently very underemployed, lost his job and his house, and all the other stuff, plus just physically does absolutely nothing at all for me, but my friend thinks I'm being stubborn, stuck up and stuck in the past for not going out with this great, "relationship material" guy who is so crazy about me. Yes, he thinks very "highly" of me, slobbers all over me whenever I'm around, and treats me like a goddess. There's a problem with that, though. Treating someone like a goddess means putting her up on a pedestal, where it's awfully cold and lonely, and instead of just talking to her, getting to know her and being her friend, you're too busy "worshipping" her. Then when you get tired of that, guess what? You walk away and move on to other things in your life and expect to find her back there on the pedestal where you left her. I'd rather be with someone whi treats me like a fellow human being, who can respect the fact that I like to buy my own drinks sometimes, that I don't like wasting 7 months of my time under false pretences just because he wants me around to look at, someone who thinks enough of himself and sees the earthiness in me enough to not be so intimidated by me that he can't treat me like a person. All this is just a roundabout way of saying that "relationship material" is relative. Just because someone looks excellent on paper to someone else, doesn't mean that person is a good fit for you. There's too much about love that is unexplainable. I saw Walk The Line this weekend. When Johhny Cash and June Carter first met, neither one was "relationship material" for the other, since she was coming off a hard divorce and he was married with a wife and three babies at home. They fell in love anyway, and after ten years of going round and round, another marriage for June, Johnny still never leaving his wife, until his wife couldn't stand her husband being in love with another woman anymore and left him, him battling drug addiction, to the point where June and her family stood watch over Johnny while he detoxed, and drove his dealer away with a shotgun, after ten years of an emotional, and occasionally physical, affair, they finally got married, and loved each other so much they were never more than a few yards apart from each other throughout their lives, and even death couldn't separate them. Johnny died only 4 months after June did, that's how much they couldn't stand to be apart. Conventional wisdom and anyone with half a brain would have told both of them to forget the other and move on, concentrate on their marriages, kids, work, and just move on. But since when does love like that have anything to do with wisdom? Sometimes you just love who you love, and nothing else matters, and no matter how "wise" it may be to forget that person and move on, sometimes that just doesn't work for you. And sometimes, you get really lucky, and that person loves you back. That's about as much sense as love makes, I think. But I think most of the women on this board are smart and know what they want, and when preparedness and lessons learned coincide with luck and timing and a little grace from God, they will find their own "relationship material" men. I think only the individual can really be the judge of when they have found the right time and the right person.

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