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[QUOTE=Morboro]Well from a guys point of view I would love to pursue. But I have always thought that women would think a man is some sort of nut case if he did that.[/QUOTE]

Well, of course there is a difference between pursuing and stalking. But in my case, like with UPS guy, he couldn't even pick up a phone and call the number that I gave him. How are you going to tackle life's problems if you're so afraid of rejection that you can't even pick up the phone and ask a girl out when she gave you her number??!! Women don't usually give their number to men if they don't want him to call her. I think the art of pursuing a woman also includes the art of being able to read her and the signals she sends out. The pursuing has to be in proportion to her interest in you and what's appropriate for the situation. For example, a girl you work with and have gone out on business-related things with and has never shown any interest in you other than the work you share, sending her flowers would be a bit inappropriate. And of course if she tells you she's not interested, then you should take that at face value. But I think women will always appreciate a man who isn't afraid to take charge and little, put himself out there and show her that he's interested in her. Especially with the book "He's Just Not That Into You" being so popular and so many women adhering to it.

GG, yes, I think being friends is key. I know some people don't believe it's necessary to think of your spouse as your best friend, but I can't see being married to, eating with, sleeping in the same bed with, someone who wasn't the person I trusted the most, and who wasn't my best friend. I mean, men and women are different, and I don't think you can have a friendship with a man the same way you can have a friendship with another woman. There are just things you can't talk to men about, and some things you can't do with me, like see movies like Steel Magnolias or go to the opera or the ballet. But on some level, there would certainly have to be a level of "this person is my confidante, support, companion, this person has my back and I trust him to not drop the ball, and I have his and he trusts me with that."
[QUOTE=Hiya]To answer question 3, like Carrie said on an episode of Sex And The City when she decided she wanted her ex boyfriend back and went to his home and threw pebbles at his window, "when men make a grant gesture of love, it's considered bold and romantic. When women do it, it's considered desperate and psycho." Call it the unfairness of biology.

Your lst statement is what I'm saying. The girl has to be interested, at least a little, for any pursuing to be worthwhile. Women let you know when they're interested, I think. And they let you know when they're not. If they say "I'm not interested, I only want to be friends, I'm not ready for a relationship now, etc etc." then, like I said, you should take that at face value. But you have to go on a case by case basis.[/QUOTE]


but girls DON'T make it known... oh i know you think you do... but things like twirling your hair anti clockwise while pointing your toes in our direction while drinking your drink, and looking at our left ear, with the right eyebrow slightly arched does not tell a man if your interested or not :D for instance this latest interest of mine, she asks me out on one date, accepts a second from me, then is hesitant about a 3rd (but neither comments on whether she never wants to see me again, or if maybe the time didn't suit)... but calls up the next day (after the third was shot down), to chat "stuff"... now is that mixed messages, or am i, as a man too stupid to comprehend it.

if a guy makes a grand gesture at love, the woman finds that he's no longer a conquest, and moves on. that's why the "bad boy" thing is what so many girls are into... the whole thrill of the chase... doing a huge romantic jesture kills it for most women... and that's why guys don't do it anymore. and don't get me started on the unfairness of biology. guys struggle alot more than women (especially shy guys) when it comes to dating... we have to approach, pursue, come up with the ideas for the dates, make the first moves ETC... although it's not unfairness of biology, it's unfairness of social conditioning ;)
[QUOTE=mada]but girls DON'T make it known... oh i know you think you do... but things like twirling your hair anti clockwise while pointing your toes in our direction while drinking your drink, and looking at our left ear, with the right eyebrow slightly arched does not tell a man if your interested or not for instance this latest interest of mine, she asks me out on one date, accepts a second from me, then is hesitant about a 3rd (but neither comments on whether she never wants to see me again, or if maybe the time didn't suit)... but calls up the next day (after the third was shot down), to chat "stuff"... now is that mixed messages, or am i, as a man too stupid to comprehend it.
[/QUOTE]
lol!! :D that is so true. and you can't forget the pupils dilating!! :D

[QUOTE=glamourgal]I agree Daphnee!

I know movies are just that...movies, not real life, but the guys in movies always seem to know how to pursue the girl without coming across as a weirdo. Examples are Tom Cruise in Top Gun, the guy in The Note_book (whom she ends up marrying), and many more.....[/QUOTE]
i know you'd like everything to be like this but GG, the fact is, those are movies and in real life, it just doesn't work that way. most of the time, the guys don't know when a woman is interested. you yourself had said time an time again that guys talk to you but you don't like the ones that do.

and to make it worse, there are times when they are NOT interested and do things to suggest that they are so what are men to make of this?? we can't read minds. sometimes its not that easy to tell if someone is playing hard to get or if they're interested but got caught off guard by your pursuit and subsequently displayed signals that they weren't interested. in the end, somebody has to initiate something.

take me for example. either i'm just disgusting to all women and NO ONE EVER has sent me signals or i just don't know how to read them. so, i approach several women and obviously i'm on these boards so that means it didnt' work. so then its reduced to trial and error and that gets tiresome. what would you do in my shoes???? :confused:

i know if i was in your shoes i'd just wait it out. since you're attractive someone that you also like will eventually "pursue" you...and you have to be ready for it (i.e. no grouchy face, nice big genuine smile, no standoffish attitude, etc..)..make it easy for the poor guy. :)
I know what you mean, Glamour. It seems like modern men just don't have in "in them." By "pursuing" I don't mean being a stalker psycho maniac, or making any "grand gestures," especially not in the beginning of a relationship. What I understand by that term is that the guy calls regularly, every day or every other day, asks the girl out, brings her flowers from time to time, and just looks at her and treats her in a way that tells her she's special to him and he's excited to be with her. That's all, really. Now, if I'm interested in a guy, he will know it because I will be excited to talk to him and to see him, will be happy to talk to him on the phone, and will want to go out with him on dates, kiss him, and seem interested in what he has to say. Why is it SO hard to figure out?
[QUOTE=SophiaM]I know what you mean, Glamour. It seems like modern men just don't have in "in them." By "pursuing" I don't mean being a stalker psycho maniac, or making any "grand gestures," especially not in the beginning of a relationship. What I understand by that term is that the guy calls regularly, every day or every other day, asks the girl out, brings her flowers from time to time, and just looks at her and treats her in a way that tells her she's special to him and he's excited to be with her. That's all, really. Now, if I'm interested in a guy, he will know it because I will be excited to talk to him and to see him, will be happy to talk to him on the phone, and will want to go out with him on dates, kiss him, and seem interested in what he has to say. Why is it SO hard to figure out?[/QUOTE]
well, sophia, it all comes back to recognizing the signals. some guys are just tired of "putting themselves out there". you might think that you're sending the signals but the guy might not be picking them up or the signals you send might be the same ones that some other girl sent that wasn't interested. we can't read minds.
[QUOTE=degen95]well, sophia, it all comes back to recognizing the signals. some guys are just tired of "putting themselves out there". you might think that you're sending the signals but the guy might not be picking them up or the signals you send might be the same ones that some other girl sent that wasn't interested. we can't read minds.[/QUOTE]

Well, I'm telling you now, if a girl picks up the phone almost every time you call and calls you back fairly quicly if you leave a message, if she agrees to go out with you most of the time; if she looks at you with some sort of admiration and interest, and if she wants to spend as much time as possible with you and is interested in what you have to say----these are the signs! Even if some girls are shy and don't like to make that first move themselves, the way she responds to your moves on a consistent basis will give you a very good clue. It's not THAT complicated, really.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Well, I'm telling you now, if a girl picks up the phone almost every time you call and calls you back fairly quicly if you leave a message, if she agrees to go out with you most of the time; if she looks at you with some sort of admiration and interest, and if she wants to spend as much time as possible with you and is interested in what you have to say----these are the signs! Even if some girls are shy and don't like to make that first move themselves, the way she responds to your moves on a consistent basis will give you a very good clue. It's not THAT complicated, really.[/QUOTE]
well, if the guy IS calling you and leaving messages then that would mean that he IS pursuing you, right?? :confused: so there would be no problem.

one of my few female friends have said that it seems desperate to be always calling the girl or be calling her the day after you met. i always thought the "rule" was stupid. if i was still desperate, i could still wait 2 or 3 days to call. :rolleyes:
I disagree...I think you are pursuing the wrong girl. If she says you'd make a great boyfriend and in the next breathe says she's not ready for a relationship she is virutally saying that you are not her type, she likes you as a friend and to pursue elsewhere.

My 17 year old daughter is going through adjustments like this. She was asked to go to homecoming by a guy...he was a friend and she said yes. They went out bowling with a group of friends a few weeks prior to the homecoming dance....afterwards he asked her out....she said yes and when she told me about it she lacked enthusiasm. When I called her on it she told me how she felt obligated to say yes since they were going to the homecoming together. I tried to explain that she should always be honest, that guys have feelings too and she told me that it would be okay. Well they went out on a few more dates, he treated her like a queen and they eventually went to Homecoming. 2 days later she breaks up with him :eek: Not only that...she tries to get advice from another girl at school and he hears that she is going to break up with him from somebody else!!! It turns into a nightmare and hits her in the face. I didn't have much empathy for my daughter even being her mom. I saw it as a pinful lesson learned. The hurt feelings are there, my daughter requests my comfort and support which I am unable to fully give....I explain how honesty in the beginning would have been far less hurtful than dishonesty all along. I know she thought in her mind that it would be hurtful to say no to his asking her out, but certainly not as hurtful as weeks of leading this guy to believe that she shared the same feelings for him. I told her she owed him an apology and to explain what she had learned through all of this. She did and the wonderful guy that he is understood. He proposed that they remain friends and which they are.

What I am trying to say is sometimes when we start dating and don't know any better, we just don't know what to do. I think this girl obviously likes you as a friend and in the nicest way is saying that she is not interested in you as a boyfriend. You have to read the signs and if they are saying "not interested" then pursue elsewhere. The perfect scenario would be if this girl could be honest enough to say to you that she likes you as a friend and would like to keep it that way.....that you are not boyfriend material as she sees it. May be hurtful hearing that but so much less hurtful if she were to go out with you just to spare you any hurt feelings and down the road let you know that she never really was interested.....right???

Hope this gives you a little more perspective on things. Don't give up on pursuing a girl....just make sure that you are pususing one that wants to be pursued. ;)

~ Goody :angel:
Mada ~ While what you say in regard to confidence is so true....even though he may act confident if she is not interested in him as a BF, no matter how much confidence he may demonstrate she still may not respond in the way he would like. While Barnstormin SHOULD display confidence he shouldn't place it all upon a girl who is clearly just not interested. We don't want him feeling unnecessary rejection now, do we???? :p

Women do love confidence in a guy....but still, if it is a guy that they normally would not be interested in more than a friend, it won't make one ioda of a difference. I just don't want Barnstormin to give up being confident if he doesn't get a reaction from one particular girl. With the right girl, yes, she will definitely be quite attracted to this attribute....confidence is a quality that both women & men are equally attracted to, however, not if the person is already ruled out as not our type for other reasons. So it doesn't hurt to be confident so long as we don't appear to be overly confident aka full of oneself ;)

Smiles ~ Goody :D
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]Mada ~ While what you say in regard to confidence is so true....even though he may act confident if she is not interested in him as a BF, no matter how much confidence he may demonstrate she still may not respond in the way he would like. While Barnstormin SHOULD display confidence he shouldn't place it all upon a girl who is clearly just not interested. We don't want him feeling unnecessary rejection now, do we???? :p

Women do love confidence in a guy....but still, if it is a guy that they normally would not be interested in more than a friend, it won't make one ioda of a difference. I just don't want Barnstormin to give up being confident if he doesn't get a reaction from one particular girl. With the right girl, yes, she will definitely be quite attracted to this attribute....confidence is a quality that both women & men are equally attracted to, however, not if the person is already ruled out as not our type for other reasons. So it doesn't hurt to be confident so long as we don't appear to be overly confident aka full of oneself ;)

Smiles ~ Goody :D[/QUOTE]


my point is that if he had've acted with confidence from the start she might have had a different perception of him...also if he does that, she is more likely to "pursue" him if she's really into him... that way he doesn't get rejected because he never asked her to be his GF, he simply put his charmin personality on display, and if she didn't take the bait, well he knows that she's not the one, instead of the "you'd make agreat boyfriend" comments, she'd either want him and show it, or not want him ,and he'd know. it's not like displaying confidence to a girl should be reserved for the ones you want...

as for the situation now, i believe he should definately stop asking because he's straining the friendship.





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