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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


It's really tough to maintain friendships when you are living with your friends. It also seems to be difficult to find and develop new friendships after you graduate college when people go their separate ways--I understand where you are coming from completely. I've never really wanted to have that many friends, as I can only keep up with maybe half a dozen at any one time, but nonetheless I've had my share of bad experiences and rifts with ex-friends. Like you, several of my best female friends were extremely jealous that I always had lots of dates or boyfriends when they had no luck with romance to the point where they tried to steal my boyfriends and were so mean to me that I was forced to end the friendships. I think that most girls are really competitive and tend to really dislike girls who seem to have a lot going for them and who guys are drawn to...it's like they are societally conditioned to view other as competition for men and as enemies rather than friends who they should support and be happy for. Anyway, you are definitely not alone in having several female friends who turned against you and seemed to resent your good fortune in a variety of aspects of life. I don't think anything you describe indicates that you are a bad friend or unworthy of having close friendships, and I'm sorry that you haven't had better luck with friends since clearly you feel your lack of friendships is a void in your life.

The best advice I can give you is to be as friendly and open as possible when meeting new people, preferably through activities you particularly enjoy, and to avoid living with friends in the future, as that places a considerable strain on even the most solid friendships. I really feel for you and identify with your experiences, although in some ways I'm pretty happy without many friends, though the close friends that I've kept in touch with are really important to me and always cheer me up. Try to remind yourself that your current situation is only temporary and that it certainly doesn't mean that you will never have friends or that people won't want to befriend you in the future, because you sound like the kind of friend lots of people would like to have. I hope you have better luck finding and sustaining friendships in the future with people who treat you with honesty, respect, and loyalty--perhaps it would help to be more discriminating about who you get close to. And it might also help if you focus on all the things you do have going for you and all the things you have to be grateful for when you start feeling sad and lonely about not having friends--there are a lot of people out there who would be delighted to have a close family, a loving partner, a nice place to live, and a rewarding job. The more you can focus on the positive, the more you will exude an appealing energy that will draw potential friends to you and make them want to befriend you...optimism really can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, so to the extent you have control over what you focus on, I think you'd be happiest if you try to think about the good things in your life and what you are thankful for rather than the things that make you feel down and discouraged. Please let us know how you are doing and good luck with everything...and remember, you are definitely not alone and there is no need for you to feel guilty or like you're a bad person because of your past experiences with friends/roommates. Hang in there! :)





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