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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=BostonGirl44]Ever since Peter and I broke up, I think I have been trying WAY too hard to meet someone new. At first it was because I hated being alone, and then it was because I missed what Peter and I had. It's not worth forcing anything, I've realized. If I'm meant to be alone for now, then that's the way it has to be. :) I agree with you when you say you meet the right person when you aren't trying to. I need to stop trying so hard! I'm just going to continue going out with my friends and have a good time (and of course, keep my ad online :)).

No matter how things may work out with Craig, you definitely will be glad you were spontaneous that day and decided to meet him! It's definitely a good story to tell![/QUOTE]

Yes, I think you are on the right track, Bostongirl. Craig and I had a great time last night. We talked alot and also had a great time in the sack again! I can't believe how much he turns me on sexually. It's incredible. He says I do the same thing to him too.

I'm just going to play it cool for now and not act really clingy. I always wait until he calls me. I think he may be seeing someone else, but I'm not sure. He told me he has to go to out of town to get the rest of his things (he just moved here from another city in Texas) this weekend to get more of his furniture and stuff. Since, we haven't agreed to be exclusive, I can't really expect him to be. So, I'm going to keep seeing Raj (the FWB man) too!

Raj just text messaged me on my cell saying "hope you had a great thanksgiving". I think he wants to see me. That's the first time he's text messaged me. Wonder what that means? Guess I'm overanalyzing again. I like Raj too and he's a gorgeous man. So, I think I will keep seeing him, but continue to keep my emotions in check! Wow! It's better to have more than one guy that you like. This is actually the first time I've seen two men at the same time on a regular basis!!! :D
Hey, GE....don't be so hard on yourself. :nono: sometimes we can be our own worst enemies. :p

Why did you think Craig was going to be a one night thing....and why would you want any guy to be??? Isn't that what we despise about guys???

GE....the good thing about us is that when we see something isn't working we have the ability to regroup and make the necessary changes. I have read her many a time that "Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again believeing that there will be a different outcome when there won't" (I have a feeling that the person that posted that did a better job of it than me ;) )

Anyway.....I think that you should change your strategy and stop doing things over & over again that just aren't working. One thing that you mention is becoming intimate too soon. Some guys and gals can separate emotion from intimacy while others just can't. From what I see, whether you wish to deny it or not, you are definitely one that cannot. From what you have shared here, even when you try to set your mind not to get emotionally involved with a guy who you want to be a FWB you just can't do that!!! Like with Raj :p And, GE, there is nothing wrong with that.....you just have to come to the realization that you are not one to just have sex without there being some type of meaning to it beyond just pleasure. If this is true then having sex with a guy before you even know his feelings for you only causes you unnecessary hurt and pain. And you do have the ability to change that.

Just some thoughts I thought I would throw out to you ~ Goody
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]Hey, GE....don't be so hard on yourself. :nono: sometimes we can be our own worst enemies. :p

Why did you think Craig was going to be a one night thing....and why would you want any guy to be??? Isn't that what we despise about guys???

GE....the good thing about us is that when we see something isn't working we have the ability to regroup and make the necessary changes. I have read her many a time that "Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again believeing that there will be a different outcome when there won't" (I have a feeling that the person that posted that did a better job of it than me ;) )

Anyway.....I think that you should change your strategy and stop doing things over & over again that just aren't working. One thing that you mention is becoming intimate too soon. Some guys and gals can separate emotion from intimacy while others just can't. From what I see, whether you wish to deny it or not, you are definitely one that cannot. From what you have shared here, even when you try to set your mind not to get emotionally involved with a guy who you want to be a FWB you just can't do that!!! Like with Raj :p And, GE, there is nothing wrong with that.....you just have to come to the realization that you are not one to just have sex without there being some type of meaning to it beyond just pleasure. If this is true then having sex with a guy before you even know his feelings for you only causes you unnecessary hurt and pain. And you do have the ability to change that.

Just some thoughts I thought I would throw out to you ~ Goody[/QUOTE]

Yes, and I am going to change it--STARTING NOW! :cool:
Hi GE,

I wanted to carefully read through all your threads before responding, because I think your situation is complicated and there are a lot of issues at play here...that said, I don't think that things are necessarily as bad/nonserious with Craig as you're thinking now, so I'd hold off on making any final decisions on that front. As you have probably come to expect, I have quite a lot to say about the topics you've raised on both threads, so here goes: first, GE, I think some of your basic postulates about dating are wrong and that they are causing you unnecessary stress, worry, and heartache. This is particularly true for the ideas you keep mentioning from dating books, especially John Gray's books. My problem with all those dating manuals is that first off, the people who adhere to them seem to always stay single and secondly, they rely on two false assumptions: that it’s easy, or even possible, to mess up a burgeoning relationship with someone who is truly falling for you AND to make someone who isn’t crazy about you want to keep seeing you for more than a little while by acting right and therefore delaying the inevitable. I guess I just don’t believe that anyone should have to worry about messing things up or scaring love interests away unless they do something really cruel or terrible, because when you’re with the right person in that initial giddy stage, nothing can keep you apart. I do think that people with less than effective dating habits and patterns can sometimes learn and benefit a great deal from books like “He’s Just Not That Into You” and “Why Men Love ******es,” but most dating books generalize way too much and often give overly extreme advice, like the Rules and (I’d argue) John Gray's books, which strike me as pretty sexist and misogynistic.

But that’s just my personal preference and I’m all for whatever works for you, honestly. I don’t like to call boys either, and so I avoid it too, but I hate to see an amazing woman like you, GE, do (or not do) ANYTHING out of fear that it will make a guy lose interest--for that matter, there is no reason for a beautiful and successful and interesting woman with so much to offer to have any fear at all, or have your actions be prompted by fear in any way. Dating is about having fun and taking risks, not being scared and playing it safe--that inevitably backfires and leaves you single, which is one reason that the more someone wants a partner, the less likely they generally are to find one. They stop being relaxed, having fun, and taking risks because they want so badly to make a relationship blossom without realizing that you can't rush or force such things and by trying too hard, you can end up ruining a promising young relationship. So please remember that any guy you could scare off didn’t really want you in the first place, and the right guy for you is someone you can be yourself around without any doubt or fear. Not to mention that censoring or inhibiting yourself in anyway out of a fear of causing a love interest to lose interest ends up backfiring because it makes you seem less confident, secure with yourself, and certain that men will love you just like you love yourself, none of which are attractive sentiments to project. Remember ALWAYS that if you have the ability to make a man lose interest in you, then he’s not very interested to begin with and certainly isn’t worthy of another moment of your time.

I do understand where you are coming from with being scared to give too much too soon and putting your trust in the wrong guy. These are completely natural feelings and they’re good because they show you are with someone you care about…however, I agree with Sophia and Goody that you should be very careful that you don’t let your fear of doing something wrong get in the way of showing a man that you like him and appreciate him. There’s no reason to be scared of that because if it scares him when you call and tell him how you feel and so on, then he’s a jerk and you’re better off without him. I just don’t think you have to worry about that at all...if anything, you might want to focus on making sure that you don't take things too far in the other direction—following dating books, playing games, being hard to get, etc. Those efforts can hinder new connections from blossoming naturally and openly and actually inhibit the process of building happy, balanced, and lasting relationships. They might lead you toward emotionally distant men who act like players, because such guys are the only ones I can think of who would like for a woman they’re dating to play a submissive role like in The Rules and to a lesser degree what John Gray advises.

And any man who would be turned off by a woman who was sexually aggressive and slept with him early on (I’ve never met one, but they must be out there somewhere) is either sleeping around indiscriminately himself and projecting his guilt and shame onto women or someone who wants a restrained, if not repressed, woman, and again, I’ve never encountered a desirable, normal, healthy man who doesn’t want a partner who loves sex and lacks hang-ups and inhibitions in the bedroom. In fact, I would go so far as to say that any man who is really bothered by a woman sleeping with him “too soon” (as if there is such a thing) is either self-loathing, misogynistic, sexist and chauvinistic, desperately insecure, deeply repressed by religion/abuse/being in the closet, or just completely inadequate in terms of size, potency, and/or experience. In other words, if a man holds it against a woman for getting sexually involved with him without forcing him to wait a long time, I believe there is a 0% chance that he is a man worth dating or wasting even one moment of time on.

Now that said, I agree with Goody that in your particular case, it might make sense to wait longer, as you don’t seem to be one of those people who doesn’t necessarily get emotionally attached from having a physical relationship. You seem to get very worried with each partner that he is only interested in you for sex and resolve to wait longer next time to become intimate, yet repeat this pattern again and again anyway. I personally think you don’t need to change when you first have sex so much as you need to cease the worrisome thoughts that you seem to attach to this, but if it’s impossible to do one and not the other, than holding off longer might be the best tactic. I wouldn’t have the willpower to do that, but I also never consider whether a guy only wants sex with me—like that's even his choice! He's the one who is having the audition of a lifetime to see if he's worthy of another go round--I’m too busy thinking about whether I want anything more with him to care what he thinks of me, and you should have the exact same attitude. Anyway, the idea that you have to wait to have sex with a guy in order to earn his respect and have a serious relationship is absolute nonsense, and I think that by focusing on holding off on sex you’ll still be missing the important point, which is that with the right guy, there will be no need to play games or “have cards up your sleeve” or pull away or “keep him interested”—if you just be yourself and act natural, you will know if you are with the right guy. That's because the right guy won’t be able to get enough of the real you, just as you are, without deliberately trying to appeal to him and keep his interest.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Yeah, I agree with you--just try to "chill" for now, go out with other guys, and if Craig is truly interested, he will not disappear out of the picture. I am not thrilled to hear he has not invited you anywhere for New Years, though. Where is he going? It's hard to believe he's going to spend New Year's with his children...[/QUOTE]

He wanted to see me this week before he left for Seguin this weekend and I told him my schedule was too busy this week! Next week, he goes to Oregon to see family there for the Holidays. So, I probably will see him after Christmas.

He told me he wanted to get to know me better, but that our relationship is in the "developing stage" and he thought I was being a little too demanding at this point. It is true that we have only had a handful of dates and I can understand why he doesn't want to rush into anything serious at this time.

I sent him a nice email this morning telling him that I wanted to keep seeing him, but will also date other people. Told him to have a nice Christmas and would see him when he got back.

So, what I've decided to do is exactly that. I will keep seeing him, but keep my options open.

Raj sent me a really nice email and said he still thinks about me, but he is busy with Holiday parties and of course, will be with his family for the Holidays.

I do tend to move too fast in the beginning of a new relationship and sometimes I think I do expect a man to give too much too soon.

If, however, after seeing Craig a bit longer and he still doesn't want to be exclusive, I will quit seeing him. He should be able to know after several more months of dating if he wants to be exclusive or not with me. I have to think of myself and my needs too.

Keep us posted about your new musician friend, Sophia, and hope it continues to go well.





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