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Relationship Health Message Board


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This is by no means a definitive "rul*****" but i know alot of guys out there struggle with the "what do i do now" or the "when should i do this" in the "meeting and getting to know girls" part of life.

this might give you an insight where things may have gone pear shaped. might open your eyes to ways to tweak your approach, because, you know women should be priveleged to go out with you. but the way you carry yourself might be making them think less of you. stopping them to get to know how deeply wonderful you are. alot of this is basic human psychology...

Firstly, understand that biologically, women are after a partner that is at least an equal to them. they are more likely to dismiss you as a potential partner if they percieve you have "low social standing". now that doesn't mean if you drive a flash car, or have a big bank roll, it simply means that they can easily assess how you perform in social situations. after all in their eyes, if you have a heap of genuine friends, and can keep a room enthraweled, and have the confidence to be the center of attention, then most likely you are as wonderful as you are trying to prove. if you have few friends, nothing to talk about, or look uncomfortable in your own skin, they wonder "why"... they don't look and say "oh he's bald or he's short"... most the time those things are "turn offs" is when the person that is bald or short LACKS confidence because of those physical features... look as these attributes as an advantage... if you can be super confident, and walk like your 10 foot tall even though your below average height, she's going to think you've got your life together, and that you've got some special attributes that feed your confidence, despite your stature.

the women that are scared off by confident guys are generally the girls that have issues themselves.. lack of confidence, or their vindictive and like to exploit those weaknesses to get their own way. you don't want anything to do with those people, so don't worry if your confidence repels a few girls. be thankful that you found out they're not good enough for you before you became attached... and that's what it boils down to. your a great guy, you deserve a girl that will treat YOU right, and that will carry mutual respect for one another. relationships are a power transaction in one sense... and a relationship where power is equally distributed is going to be a happy one (as long as neither party is a control freak or megalomaniac)

k now that your walking straight, being relaxed, surrounded by people, and directing conversation (natural leader... alpha male = desirable)... your not looking around very often, because the most interesting thing in the room is where you are, and your the center of it. of course that's going to attract attention more than hiding in the corner.

so you spot a girl that you would like to see if your compatible with. make sure you make an effort to approach her within 5 seconds of her noticing you... otherwise her interest may fade, and the longer you think about it, the more nervous you'll get. now if you approach her from head on, that's confrontational, or she'll see your on the prowl and get her defenses up. approach her from behind you'l startle her, and you want her relaxed. so approach from side on, or about 45 degrees from head on.

make sure your smiling and having a good time. a smile is infectious, and happy people aren't nervous. now you need to initiate conversation obviously. think of a few things that she most likely won't have heard before.. things she wouldn't expect to get asked in a bar or whereever you are... asking her opinion on something is good... just make sure you've got a few things in your head that you could ask pretty much anywhere, and aren't situational specific. things that don't allude to your intentions are best... something like "did you see the fight outside" is interesting enough to catch her attention, without her thinking you want it

when you initiate the conversation. pay attention to your body language. you want to show her that your not interested in her. for instance if she's by the bar, walk up and order a drink, and ask her while looking at her over her shoulder... if your front on with her, and all things pointing towards her, you'll show her your interested... more than interested. sounds logical that you'd want to show her that, but it's not... because she's an attractive successful girl, she is approached all the time. you however are different to all those guys... you;ve got enough confidence that if she doesn't want you, someone else will. again, this will make you worthy to pursue.

basically from there, you still have to chat, but act disinterested until she shows some interest in you (she'll lean in, touch, stuff like that)

then validify your attraction to her (but use something in a non physical sense)... i.e. her kindness displayed in her work with disabled children or something. make sure it's deserved praise though.

after that, you have to build comfort with them. firstly at the place where you met her, secondly in a very neutral place, like if you go out for a bite to eat afterwards, or ask her for coffee the next day (make the date arrangements at the first meeting)

then make her comfortable in a more intimate setting.

hopefully then, all you gotta do is open up to her, and her to you, and it'll blossem into a relationship.
[QUOTE=DAnn73]I agree with "OutToLunch"....this sounds like yet another game. I might be out of the norm, but if a guy acted like he wasn't interested in me, then why would I stay around and get to know him, or go after him? If he's not interested, then so be it. If he's playing some game in an attempt to make me "go after him", then he can try it on someone else.

And happy people don't get nervous? I thought everybody has been nervous at some point or another....regardless of their mood -especially when they are approaching someone they find attractive and would like to get to know better.[/QUOTE]

so DAnn73, you need a guy to worship you and kneel before you for you to pay him attention...

your misrepresenting what i have said... obviously if a guy is making conversation with you, he's OBVIOUSLY interested... people (well people that have a life) don't waste their time making conversation with people they find completely boring... by Disinterest, i mean that guys come on too strong, they display signs that they want to date the girl they're interested in, before they have even learnt her name.

don't you wonder what that attraction is built on if they don't even know the basics about you?

are you honestly telling me that you'd prefer a guy to come over and say stuff like

"that dress looks great on you, your eyes are beautiful, your hair smells wonderful, how's your night, hows this weather been, oh can i have your number."

or would you prefer if a guy came up, started a conversation like you were a human, not just a piece of meat, or a conquest, got to know you as a person, listened to you talk about how you want to help sick kids in africa, then heard his ideas on how to eliminate poverty, then he asked you out to discuss it further, because he's interested in what your hopes and dreams are, not just what's hidden under the dress.

that's why if guys would just suppress that "i am on a conquest to get your number" type behaviour, and approach you like they'd approach a normal person they want to get to know, then they get to know you, and then they want to take you out, it's alot more natural.

also yes happy people get nervous. but if your in a situation where your genuinely happy, your less likely to be nervous, because what's there to be nervous about, your having fun.

it's not a game... it's the way natural behaviour works.

basics of what i am saying is:

if you don't have enough self confidence to project confidence, then why would someone want to date you? if you don't feel good about yourself, what would others see in you?

if you approach a girl and display signs that you want to date her straight off the bat, it's not just superficial, it will reduce the chance that she will get to see the terrific side of you... after all she knows you approached her because of her fine figure or whatever... but if that's all your going on, how deep will that relationship be?

and if you don't have enough confidence that in the end YOU WILL find someone who is terrific for you, then the person your approaching will think that your after them not because you want THEM, but because you want someone, and your pickings are slim.

as i said, it's not a game plan to get sex. it's just some suggestions in a way to meet a woman, and let her get to know you well enough to form a relationship. if your just after sex, then what i propose is a heck of alot of time, and i'm sure you can get a girl looking for a one nighter alot easier.

if your quite happy with the way your love life is going, then by all means ignore what i said. doesn't affect me. i just thought i'd post up and maybe give a few pointers to where that wonderful first encounter that was cut short may have gone wrong. if anyone reads this and goes "gee maybe i am being too forward/ too insecure" and that helps them realise what's holding them back... then i'm happy





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