It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


+Im sorry for the huge length. I just need to give the full story here.+

I am completely shocked.
As of two weeks ago, my boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me, bawling hysterically, and said some extremely confusing things. He will not give me many answers to my questions, and Ive stopped asking because Im tired of chasing after him.
To give the details, my boyfriend (22) started dental school in August, and around the end of September, starting taking me a bit for granted (in my opinion). I (23) am in grad school too, but in my second year so its a lot easier. We had the MOST intense relationship, SO in love, long-distance for a year while he finished college and I began grad school (the adjustment for me was fine), and he was the love of my life. I just knew. We were supposed to be engaged soon and had many future talks and there was no doubt in my mind he was the one, and he said the same.
At first things were amazing. I felt like we were honeymooning- after 2 days, as late as the end of September, he would come over saying it had been 'too long'. Well, he started acting differently toward me around the middle of October. I saw him MAYBE once a week, after he had moved to the city to be with me. When he did see me he was studying the whole time. He didnt initiate much contact. The quality of our interactions went way down, and we were rarely hooking up/talking/enjoying each other and it was frustrating for me. I had waited for him to get here for a whole year. I verbalized this here and there and at first (early Oct.)he seemed very sincerely sorry and tried to make efforts to change this. From my side, I decided to stop calling/e-mailing as much and would let him make the plans when he could so I wouldnt push him away.
Not much changed. He failed some tests, and started saying he resented me because he thought I resented HIM. He started pulling away at the end of October, acting wierd to me in front of his new dental friends (ignoring me) to the point where i was crying and he ignored me and got on his computer (TOTALLY unlike him- he was always the most caring person when it came to my concerns). He asked for space and I became very depressed because we talked daily multiple times for almost 2 years. He did not tell me what "space" meant, so I started to panick. Hed never said anything close to this before- I was so scared that we were going to fall apart in a matter of a few weeks!!
Well, we did. After he asked for space the first time, we saw each other 4 days later after I (of course) contacted him. And basically started to kiss his a**. I sent him cards, volunteered to cook him dinner so he could eat and not have to go get it; I told him I'd help him study for a test when he was so stressed he felt sick. We both went to visit our homes over the weekend and he told me he wasnt feeling like himself and that he needed to get away. He said he noticed he was being an a**hole, to me and to other people, and that he felt like a robot and had no emotions anymore. He said it was good to be home. Things seemed like they'd be back to normal and they were somewhat for 3 days.
When we got back, I spent the night, he studied the whole time and it sucked but just to be with him was fine. We hooked up, he said he loved me, all of that. Then he disappeared for a day. Call me crazy, and I know I overreacted, but I sort of flipped out (plus we live in a huge city, who knows what could happen). I had been feeling VERY insecure lately toward him for good reason, and was wondering, oh my god, did I do something? Well, he wouldnt answer any of my calls/texts/so forth for a matter of 12 hours or so. Finally, I wondered if he was on his email, which he had given me the password for in the past. If he had been there, then at least Id know he was OK (an overreaction, but again, I was feeling very insecure about things and just wanted to know he was OK). Well, the emails I had sent him around 9 pm were checked. I didnt read his email, Im not like that & I respect privacy, especially bc all his emails are school-related im sure! But at least I knew he was ok.
THe next morning, he called early and apologized sincerely and said he had accidentally fallen asleep and had woken up at 3 am and was totally screwed w/schoolwork. I believed him, but then I remembered that his emails were checked, and I thought it was wierd, so I asked him. Well, he completely flipped out and yelled at me for violating his privacy and basically told me he'd talk to me when he talks to me. He said some really mean things, and I kept saying look I was just worried, in 2 years you've never disappeared for a day and I don't know wahts going on with you lately! I was being clingy there, yes, I admit. But I felt somewhat justified.
So I didn't call him. I didnt see this as being such a big deal- in the past we would have gotten over this in a few hours.
Four days past, and I text and ask to go pick up my shoes from his place. I go over and ask him why he hasn't called, and he said "its complicated". So I tell him I am trying to give him his space, that I am adjusting too and its been hard with his sudden change in behavior & that I have feelings too. Then, he started talking about how he knows hes been selfish and how he keeps hurting me and he thinks he just needs to be alone. He said it wasnt my fault (the old "its not you its me" spiel). He said he overreacted over the email incident. He started bawling (he NEVER cries) and said how he feels robotic and he doesnt even know himself anymore and that he needs to 'soul search'. He said confusing things like 'it doesnt have to be all or nothing' and 'call whenver you want, we dont need to cut each other out' and I was really lost, like it wasn't happening to me.
To make this long story shorter, I texted him the next day when it had sunk in, and he only responded to about half of them with a lot of "i dont knows, Im sorry, I'll never forgive myself". I called a week later crying and asking questions, and he answered them with a very flat tone. He said he didnt know if it was over long-term, but that he needs to be selfish and alone now. When I asked if he just fell out of love with me in a month, he said he asks himself that every day. He said he felt like our problems had been going on much longer than a month because he felt like he had been in dental school forever, not 3 months. He said he feels like he failed me, failed himself, is a weak/bad person, and will be a horrible father/husband in the future because dentistry is so stressful. He said he doesnt have the time/mental energy to think about this and every time I talk about him at length, he shuts down and says "i dont know." He said it was a cycle- he was being self-absorbed which was hurting me, and he felt guilty, but had to push it out of his head to do his work, and then he became numb and stopped caring. He said he cant flip a switch and go back to being "him".
We've talked a few times after that, and we took the bus back together after Thanksgiving, in which we were friendly and I told him to do his thing and I'd do mine and to keep me posted. I apologized for crying and asking questions since it made things worse, and he said 'i owe you that much'. He thanked me later, saying it made him feel better.
I talked to his friend who said he told him that it hadn't hit him yet and he didnt know when it would. He said he thinks he will 'close this chapter of his life and move on'. So I asked him, 'if you know you want to move on completely please tell me so I can too', he said, 'I will keep you posted. Sorry Im not a very good with explainer/communicator'.
I am so confused/hurt/devastated/lost.
I have decided to leave him alone completely and try to move on. Its so depressing. I feel like he fell out of love with me in a month, because I have emails from him in October saying we would get through this and he loves me and its just a rough time. Now its like he doesnt care at all about any of this.
I asked him if he thinks hes depressed and he said its crossed his mind, but he has basically ignored it all. His sister is clinically depressed, and he saw a psychiatrist and got put on meds for depression in high school but he said it just went away, the meds didnt help. I know med students often are depressed. I asked him why he suddenly turned so cold and he said he has been to everyone and he doesnt know.
I regarded him as my fiancee/future husband. I know I made mistakes but I would have never broken up with him, I would have hung in there through this just to be with him bc its a hard adjustment.
I realize that he is completely stressed and not dealing with it well and seems to have just not had the time for me, but why cant he just say that? Maybe its immaturity? He admits hes selfish. Ive asked him 3 times if theres someone else and he says if he doesnt have the time for someone he cares about, how could there be a new person? Plus hes religious so i know he wouldnt cheat on me.
I feel as though if you love someone, you want them with you, but I realize things can get complicated by stress/anxiety. Why the confusing explanations from him? And the open-endedness. If he told his friends he wants to move on, why cant he tell me? Is he trying to let me down easy? He seems totally unaffected by all of this and it hurts because Im a mess. I dont know what to think. I feel like I will always compare people to him/never get over him. Does anyone have any insight that could help me deal? Is he depressed? Thanks.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:36 PM.





2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!