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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


my steady g/f and i had been going out for not quite 4 months. when we first met, there was an instant liking of each other and had an immediate bond/connection and the chemistry was great. admittedly, we both had troubles dealing with such strong feelings for each other so soon. each time we were together she would tell me how crazy she was about me, how much she feels about me, how she misses me when we weren't togther, how in love with me she is and how she couldn't see herself with anyone else. i felt the same for and with her. we talked about holidays together, things we would like to do in the future together...the last weekend we spent together was great as usual. she actually surprised me on a friday and called and said she wanted to come up to see me because she was missing me that much (we hadn't seen each other for a couple of days - we live 45 minutes apart). she tells me later "we just keep getting better and closer and closer"....

sunday we spent time together, went out to eat, then back to her place and watched a movie. had another great night. the next morning (monday) before i left we re-iterated how much we felt for each other and i called her "my girl" and she said she really liked that cuz she didn't want to be with any one else. the next day, tuesday, i called and left her my typical g'morning message. she called back and left me a message. i could tell something wasn't right by her tone of voice, so obviously i called her back. she said "i want to talk to you about something" and proceded to tell me that she got asked out by some one else monday night and that i need to think about what that looks like to me - she said she didn't want to betray me. i was shocked. she then proceded to tell me that it's crazy for her to be dating only one person since coming out of a 12 year relationship - i reminded her that she had been single for about 3 years and has dated others and even been in relationships with them, so i wasn't understanding why now all of a sudden this. she told me that this had nothing to do with me because she is crazy about me, does love me so much...but she wanted to date others too and basically gave me the ultimatum for us to back off and "just date" or be friends or nothing. i told her that it didn't sound like i had to think about much since her mind was already made up. later i wrote her an email telling that my feelings for her were much to strong and much to deep to be able to back off and just date, never mind become just friends all of a sudden so the best the for me was to remove myself from the picture for a while because i wasn't about to put myself in the position of wondering if she were going to end up in bed with some one else and telling/showing them all that she did with me. she was a bit upset by that and said "understood sorry you feel that way and i hoped we could be friends but it appears you aren't ready for that. i will always love you and be here for you" (via email). i responded saying that i'm glad she understood and explained why i couldn't do what she wanted me to and quite honestly i couldn't understand that if a person loves another so much, doesn't want to be with another, then all of a sudden wants to date others, how that equates to love.

so anyway we didn't talk until the following sunday. prior to this, i sent her a letter via postal mail telling her all that i felt - the hurt, the pain, etc. and yes, i used the words of "i feel this way..." versus the "you did this to me"...she should have gotten it no later than saturday...i explained my intent in the letter and that was that i needed to get this out and let her know what i feel so that things aren't stirring around in me. i had sent her an email on that friday asking for her to please send my class ring back to me. she never responded. so i went to reforward it sunday morning. well she had deleted her screen name. i tried calling her but i'm not sure if she had my number blocked but i got the message of "this subscriber is no longer available". so i called a mutual friend of ours and asked her to ask my ex to please send my class ring back (my grandmother who had passed a few months ealier helped me get that ring and i really wanted it back). g/f calls a few minutes later and starts hounding on me as to why i hadn't called her for 4 days! and told me that she had NOT been out with any one nor been with anyone. and she wanted to know why she hadn't heard from me via email. i told her cuz she deleted her screen name. she told me she would meet me half way to get my ring and i told her i wasn't ready to see her yet so please just send it. she didn't like that.

so anyway, we kinda got into it (obviously) with her telling me she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me and to leave her alone. the next day, monday - she calls to tell me she mailed my ring - i apologized to her about my part of things having gotten way out of hand the night before (i had just lost my job a week before all this with her, it was the first holiday without my g'ma...) then had me agree that we are to never talk again, that this would be the last time. i sent her an i'm sorry card for my part in our conversation cuz i was really feeling badly about it and i didn't want to walk away knowing i made a mistake when emotions were running so high between us, without trying to make amends. so she calls me the next day and leaves me a message thanking me for the card. we never talked.

a week and a half later, she calls telling me she had JUST GOTTEN the letter i wrote and what's it going to take to get me to leave her alone. i told her that letter was written/mailed 2 weeks ago (check the post mark), and it was just my feelings and how it was strongly advised that i let her know how i felt about things. her response was that most people would have gone off the handle having received that but how she is taking this calmly (maybe cuz she had quite some time to digest it and think about things?).

so we talked a bit. i told her that i would abide by her wishes of being left alone that i wouldn't call her - i wanted to give her time and respect to do what she needed to do, plus give me time to adjust to everything. she tried to explain how confused she was with all of this happening to her...i tried to give her support and understand, as much as i could anyway, given my position.

from that day forward, she called me every day "just to check in". the conversations were very casual as if we had never been romantically involved. however, she did tell me during one conversation that she loves me and misses me so much and has NOT been out with any one. i told her i loved and missed her too and was trying to keep the window open a little bit for her/us. she was glad
and hinted around that that's why she is calling me every day - cuz she was thinking about me too. i told her that's why after we talk, i would send her a text message on her phone just to let her know i was thinking about her (still) each time after we talked. we talked about getting together some time and just going and having a good time without all the serious stuff. she was up for that.
another time we talked, i called her, i asked her if she thought we could ever get past all this stubborness we were displaying with each other. i told her that i wondered if because of such stubborness - that perhaps we couldn't see the forrest for the trees. she said that is possible and would take a look at that.

well, to try to bring this to a close (finally right - hee hee). i was online with a friend of mine thursday evening and we were talking about a dance place - i couldn't remember exactly where it was located so called my g/f (i guess i should say X g/f at this point) and she told me where it was. a few minutes later, she calls me back hammering me about how cold i was on the phone and how she doesn't know what to expect of me from day to day, and proceeded to chew ME out for HER stuff and such in our relationship (i was this or that when actually she was). and now, she doesn't even know if she wants to even consider seeing me again and it's because of me that she probably won't be dating for a long time. i was shocked! needless to say, we hung up on a not so good note.

i was angry as you know what, but after i calmed down a bit, i sent her a text message saying that "we are going no where even tho we both may be trying in different ways. too much stubborness and too much past. maybe some day we can work thru that. i do love you".i haven't heard from her since - yesterday was the first day without any communication/calls.

i've always stuck to my guns with her and have stood up for myself when things would happen that i didn't feel appropriate, and she wasn't use to that with some one. she would tell me how much i pushed buttons in her and she wasn't use to that either. but still loved me so very much, missed me, wanted me, needed me and had never felt all these things before, never mind the passion we shared (again i agreed with her cuz i felt the same).

she also likes to call the shots so to speak - she and i talked about that, and how she likes to control things so that she knows what the outcome will be - she feels safer and more comfortable that way. and if a person doesn't do or re-act the way she thinks they should - then the fight is on - and she feels (or felt) "you don't love me" or "you don't want to be with me". i would assure her that that wasn't the case. of course we would kiss and make up after these little "tadoos" we had, and we would typically have them when we went more than two days without seeing one another. once we got together and talked in person and "re-connected" again so to speak, things were fine.

ok so now that you've taken the time to read about all my "drama" - what are your thoughts, opinions, suggestions, experiences? thanks and hugs to all...J~





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