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Re: Shake out of it
Dec 13, 2005
I'm sorry to say this, but there are a number of reasons why you need to proceed with your life as if this relationship is over for good. The clearest indicator of this, to me anyway, is that you guys had gone through a painful separation and when you proceeded to make up and have make up sex, he did not experience a rekindling and resurgence of his feelings for you as he probably hoped he would (or at least he was trying to find out if he would). It's a myth that all or even most guys don't connect sex with emotions--I think for many guys, gauging how they feel about a woman during sex tells them whether they are really passionate about her, if they love her, and also if they have enough lingering feelings left for someone they are considering leaving to hang around and have another go at it. The fact that you had make up sex after a split and then two days later he's all of a sudden sure he wants to leave permanently is unfortunately a very bad sign for the future of this relationship. So are his saying he loved you and then feeling unsure and guilty about it and wanting to take it back, your repeated break-ups and reconciliations (it’s always a mistake to give a man more than one chance to leave you), and his insistence that his feelings about you are not what they should be at this stage of your relationship. These signs make it quite obvious that the relationship is effectively over and that it’s only a matter of time before he works up the nerve to officially end it.

Unfortunately, the only good thing about this is that hopefully it will prompt you to stop torturing yourself with uncertainty about the future and instead devote your energies to grieving and healing and eventually finding someone who cherishes you just as much as you cherish him, to the point where neither of you could ever stand to end your relationship. It also sounds like he has been considering ending your relationship for quite some time, probably longer than you realize, which is why he feels so certain about leaving for good--unlike you, who had every reason to believe this breakup would be merely temporary like the rest, he's been adjusting to the idea of splitting for probably quite awhile, going back in all likelihood to when he said "I love you" and regretted it, or at least to when you guys first broke up. A split is always tougher for the person who didn't see it coming earlier and thus doesn't have a head start on the grieving process and didn’t had time prior to the split to carefully consider (as your ex considered what only he knew was a final decision), then start to work on accepting that the relationship is over. To be brutally honest, his agreeing to and then insisting that he take some time is a cop out and a means of procrastination so he doesn't have to face you yet. He may also actually believe or more accurately, have talked himself into believing in order to assuage his guilt, that it will be easier for you if he lets you down gradually (after effectively stringing you along and leading you on for awhile) :rolleyes:. But please know, and keep in mind, that you are already way ahead of the game and clearly a strong, resilient, and confident woman who believes she deserves to be loved back every bit as passionately and devotedly as she loves her significant other…that’s not the case here, and with so much drama and negativity repeatedly plaguing your relationship after six months, he is clearly not the man for you, and while it will definitely be painful to lose him, perhaps for quite some time, you will be able to get over this and move on when you’ve has sufficient time to go through the grieving process and start healing. I’m very sorry if this sounded harsh or was overly blunt…I really wish you all the best and feel terribly for you having to go through this painful ordeal.

Unfortunately, I know a lot this stuff having learned it the hard way earlier this year due to personal experience, when my boyfriend wisely (though it’s taken me until recently to acknowledge and accept that) chose to leave the relationship and I had to finally experience the heartbreak of an unwanted breakup for the first time, despite having had numerous serious long-term relationships in the past, all of which I ended. I drifted away from a guy I loved deeply and had lived with for over three years because of a number of outside obstacles and stressors and should have seen the end coming, but I had really believed we’d be able to overcome for as long as it took due to the strength of the love we shared. But for him, love wasn’t enough to conquer everything and while we were kind to each other from the beginning to the very end of our relationship, he nonetheless unwittingly compounded my pain by leaving me in stages, probably thinking it would be easier on me, as your boyfriend likely thinks it will be for you if he agrees to take some time for now. My ex even moved back in temporarily after renting a room for awhile to “take time to figure out what he wanted to do,” told me he loved me and that everything would be okay, took me out for my birthday and reassured me that we’d always be together, then ended up telling me he just couldn’t do it anymore a week later.

I’m not saying all this just because I experienced it firsthand, though there are even more warning signs and red flags there than in my situation, but you will do yourself a great disservice by not starting to work on accepting that the relationship is over NOW (I would have had an even more difficult, hurtful, and prolonged grieving period had I not forced myself the same day he left to pack up and hide any traces of him and firmly resolve that we were through for good, even if he came running back begging for another chance. Your man may not have the guts to face you and tell you he’s decided to leave for good on Tuesday, but in reality, that’s exactly what he’s decided to do, and so unfortunately, you really have no choice but to focus on your own best interests now and accept that it’s over (even if I’m completely wrong here and you still desperately want him back, it’s better to be pleasantly surprised if he wants to give it another shot than to expect and come to depend on that possibility then be even more crushed if—in all likelihood, it’s really a question of when—that doesn’t happen. Again, I’m sorry to have such a negative take on this situation, but I am only thinking of your own best interests when I say that you really need to accept that he’s gone for good. I hope everything works out as happily as possible and remember that you will eventually be over this, regain your happiness, and even love again…it’s only a matter of time. Good luck, please take good care of yourself, and don’t hesitate to post whenever you find yourself dwelling on this guy—I am far from the only one here who will tell you how unbelievably helpful and therapeutic to vent here anytime you want to and particularly when you’re feeling sad about this guy and need supportive and caring people to offer advice if you need it, just to listen if you just need to vent, and generally help you get through the grieving process as quickly, painlessly, and thoroughly as possible. Hang in there, because it really does get easier with time. :)





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