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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

I'm 18, and I've been with my 22 year old boyfriend since February of 2002, so it will be four years in a few months. Well, I started going out with him 2 weeks before I turned 15, so naturally I was still young, and looking back on it now, naive. The entire first year we were together, I hid a lot of my feelings as not to start trouble...when I tell you we didn't fight once, I mean it. I didn't think that was healthy, but he would always get so upset with me whenever I would try to talk to him and because of his ignorance, it elevated into an arguement, so to me, it wasn't worth it. A year after we were together, in Oct 2003...I found out he was hanging out with some girl...not really cheating on me, but blowing me off with hang out with her. Okay, I got mad...who wouldn't? I was absolutely furious, and two days later we completely stopped talking for an entire month. When I spoke to him again I was still just as furious, but I still loved him, and because I believed he was sorry, I decided to give our relationship a try again. Now, since October of 2003 I've been nothing but suspiscious, and as I got older, I frequently asked questions about who he was with, what he was doing, and I would point out that I didn't trust him, and all of that. He was always defensive...which I can understand, but it just fueled my suspicion more. I always heard the "I swear to God I'm not cheating on you, I swear to God I'm not lying to you." And I honestly tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm not stupid, I was sure something was going on. This past May, as my Senior year of HS was ending, my brilliant boyfriend asked me to check his e-mail for him to see if he got an e-mail from his boss...he had no access to a computer for that weekend, so why not ask someone close to you. Well, I may have done something I shouldn't have...but I figured that if he had nothing to hide, I might as well. I went through his sent folder and his inbox and saw many, many, many, e-mails from his ex-girlfriend that started a YEAR before I found the e-mails in May. The e-mails included such things as "she [me] is only a friend, and could never be more than a friend." "I love you [her]", "It's always been you." and you know, the list goes on, and I was absolutely devestated. I just remember shaking and getting so angry to the point where I was hitting anything I could and screaming at the top of my lungs, and then finally screaming at him and bawling my eyes out. He immediately got mad that I went through his folders, but COME ON. I was so heartbroken, but in spite of that, I managed to "forgive" him. We're still together today, but I honestly cannot shake it. I cannot trust him, and I don't believe a word he says to me. I cry all the time, because I honestly believed that he would be the one guy that could treat a girl right. He's just like my scum bag of a father who did the same thing to my mother. I want so badly to be with him...but I want so badly to end it because it makes me miserable. The sad thing is that...there are times when I feel love for him like I used to...and times that I don't. I don't know if it's just anger, or the relationship could really be over this time. I don't know why I wrote this, but I just wanted to in a short was, express all the pain I've been keeping inside. Thanks for reading...

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