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Re: To end things
Dec 17, 2005
[QUOTE=charlatans]Ive just had a two hour conversation with him.
He asked me what i meant in my message, and I explained it to him- that I cant cope feeling with this anymore and that if he really doesnt want to be with me anymore, then I must let him go, and if he wants to come back eventually if he realizes the feelings are still there- then let it be.
He said it wasnt an issue of him not wanting to be with me. I said it seemed that way and I cannot cope with it. He then suggested a "break." He is going away on Wednesday for 8/9days to be with family. He said we need this time to get ourselves sorted and to see how we really feel. I know how I feel. I agree with this, and was going to suggest it on Tuesday. But there is no time like the present.
All my friends were telling him that a break was what he needed. What do you reckon?
I know the outcome may lead to a good thing or a bad thing. Good being that he will miss me and come back to me with his old feelings. Bad being he will want to end things. But I have a feeling he will. Hes said some horrible things to me this week, but i guess that was him being honest about his feelings and not said to intentionally to hurt me. I might stick to my old way of thinking, which he didnt like, that he is confused and doesnt reallyknow what he is feeling because he is too caught up with neagtive feellings, being hurt by what has happened. But other times, like just now, I get a horrible feeling in my stomach, my heart feels like its being sliced into two- may be he wont come back? Maybe he will get use to life without me for those few days and he'll realize maybe letting go isnt such a big deal.
Please wake me up if you believe I am being stupid and thinking inside a bubble- but he hasnt broken up with me, he said he doesnt want to let me go- these are good signs? Maybe time to ourselves is all we need? Or maybe this is the perfect opportunity to see if he can let go of me- maybe thats been the issue all the time.
I hope so mucht that he will miss me and come back to me saying lets give things another go, lets see how things are and will develop.

For two weeks I have felt like Ive never felt before. Crying all the time, I barely ate or drank, I didnt get enough sleep, I was depressed. Im feeling slightly better. We had a laugh and a good chit chat on the phone. Makes me smile.

Please tell me what youre thinking guys x[/QUOTE]

Hi Charlatans--can you tell us how old you and your BF are, for how long you have been together, and if either of you have had other (and how many, for how long) serious, long-term relationships in the past? I know you don't want to hear this, so I'll try my best to be concise (though my best isn't that great when it comes to brevity)...but I can't help marveling at how much your situation reminds me of my breakup earlier this year with a guy I truly thought was "the one." He was also chronically negative and down and eventually needed a break. While I know there are some exceptions to this and that I'm probably biased because of how fresh my own experiences are in my mind, but I think that if you need a break from your relationship, the chances are pretty slim that the relationship is going to survive much longer. My guy ended up coming back for awhile because we really did love each other and wanted to be happy, but there were ultimately just too many external obstacles standing in the way, and it's only very very recently that I've been able to see that I was better off in the long run with him leaving (we lived together ever since about a week after we met and were together for about three years).

In case you are interested in reading about how that all played out, and more importantly, reading some of the amazingly insightful and compassionate advice I got when I was in your position, here are some links to threads I started around that time with my old name, Snails (only the first one is long):

[url]http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=255285[/url]

[url]http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=256928[/url]

[url]http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=260431[/url]

[url]http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=266851[/url]

Anyway, I wish I had a more optimistic outlook, and maybe I would if this didn't all sound so much like deja vu, so hopefully I am wrong...but in any event, please please keep in mind that everything happens for a reason, and if he decides to leave you, then he defintiely wasn't the right guy for you. The right guy for you to love in the long run would never even think about leaving you--you deserve the kind of love that glues two people together throughout any ordeal that gets in the way of your happiness. Please take it from someone whose first time being dumped was during my 6th or 7th serious relationship with the first guy I was convinced I was meant to be with permanently. In retrospect I can see that wouldn't have worked out, but at the time, I didn't think it was possible to be that heartbroken...and I never would have believed this at the time, but honestly, when a relationship ends, it is ultimately for the best. Very few of us find lasting love on the first try, or even on the first few tries, so if someone doesn't want to be with you in the long run, it's better to know sooner than later.

Again, I'm sorry to be a downer, but I firmly believe that it is best to be prepared for the worst and leave yourself room to be pleasantly surprised if your guy wants to reconcile, though even the best possible outcome of this "break" isn't necessarily a permanent reprieve. Just because you love him, because it feels like you're literally dying from pain without him, and because you are convinced that you won't ever be as happy without him as you were with him, doesn't necessarily mean that he is ultimately the right guy for you or that this is the healthiest and most supportive possible relationship for either of you. The very fact that he wants to take a break suggests that there are some serious problems plaguing your relationship from his point of view...I wish I had realized that and tried to acknowledge and address those issues while I had a chance to work things out with my ex, though I don't know if we ever really had a chance to reconcile for good when he came back. I don't know if my ex was trying to soften the blow by leaving gradually and being kind as he slowly extracted himself from the relationship or whether he honestly wasn't sure if we might still have a chance together. And thanks to some desperately needed and hard won objective perspective, I can now see that we just weren't right for each other, despite the fact that there was more love between us than many people ever experience. I wish you the best of luck, especially while you try to get through the next few weeks, which are difficult enough as it is, so please don't hesitate to lean on us and on this board for support, advice, or just a place to vent. Please try to believe that ultimately, everything will work out for the best, and that no matter what, you WILL get through this and be stronger and wiser as a result of this experience...it wasn't until my ex moved out that I really understood what people meant by "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I hope you don't have to learn that firsthand anytime soon, but it doesn't hurt to steel yourself for the worst so you can't possibly be taken by surprise and crushed all at the same time. Good luck and hang in there!





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