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Not sure whether posting here will help me with how I'm feeling, but I am sure I cannot be the only person who has experienced this. Any suggestions from your own experiences would be much appreciated as I am really finding it hard at the moment and don't know what to do for the best.

At the beginning of September my boyfriend of 3 years decided he did not want to be with me anymore. We had been living together for just over 2 years and at the time were living in a flat that we rented from his family. He was 16 when we met and I was 23. Age was never really an issue though as he has always been very mature for his age. We were so close and I can honestly say that I have never felt so strongly for someone as I have for him. We 'grew' each other in so many ways and he has had a massive influence on the person I now am. We spent no more than a couple of days apart at the most in the 3 years and always spoke every day.

It wasn't always plain sailing however - we had our ups and downs just as any couple does. This year we both started to have more independence - I got a 2nd job through which I met more people and was away at weekends, and he started to chat to a few people on the net who he subsequently met and became friends with. In June this year (a few days before my birthday) I found out he had kissed one of these new friends and he told me he wasn't sure whether we had just become friends. I was devastated. I found out literally an hour before a birthday meal with all his family. However, he found it really difficult, as did I. I have never seen him so distraught and upset. He had booked me a holiday for my birthday and we both decided to still go. We had a lovely time and a couple of weeks later he told me that he was now sure he really did love me and wanted to be with me.

Over the next couple of months I think we both got comfortable and didn't make that much of an effort with each other. We were both snappy and I ended up spending more and more time away. He had Uni exams to revise for and it seemed like we never had quality time together. To be fair he did make more effort than me and a few times suggested doing things - I however, didn't make as much effort - something I now totally regret.

The arguments started to become more frequent and one Thursday evening we had one via the phone. It ended up with him staying round him mums for the night. I went to work the next day as normal and when on my journey home he called me to ask if I could come round his mums 'cos he needed to talk to me. I knew something wasn't right but was not prepared to find out that he had moved out and had decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. He assured me there was no-one else involved. He said there was no one reason for it but he just knew 'we' weren't right for him anymore. I was in complete shock and it ended with a petty argument because he had taken things from the flat like the Sky box etc..

The next few weeks I was like a zombie - I have never felt so devastated and empty. Anyway, his family were very supportive and all said they still wanted to see me and that I was always welcome. One evening I went round his mums and he turned up too. It was completely unexpected but we started talking and actually both seemed to enjoy spending time with each other. It was his sister's birthday that weekend and asked if I would like to come. I subsequently did and if Im honest I was hoping he may be changing his mind. However, how wrong I was! I turned up in a new outfit looking my best and it started off great. His mum asked me to get something from upstairs and so I went up to his room. I noticed his mobile on the bed and the urge was too strong to not look at his messages. There were literally loads of messages from one of the people he had met earlier that year from the net (one that lives very close to where he works - not the one he had kissed though). They were obviously from someone who was more than a friend and the most recent one from my ex said that he was looking forward to kisses and cuddles tonight. I was in a complete blind panic and just took his phone and went downstairs, went straight up to him and asked to talk to him outside. We went out and I confronted him accusing him of being unfaithful. Of course it turned in to a blazing row where he accused me of being unfaithful too - someone he had spoken to had told him I had slept with them when we were together. He said that even though he did not have to justify anything he did not start seeing him before we had split and he assured me it was nothing serious. We parted company and I went to talk things through with his nan who has been a god send giving endless amounts of support to me. After lots of tears she convinced me to stay as going home on my own would do me no good. I went back in the house and he came up to me apologised and hugged me. He was actually very kind and said he didn't want to hurt me anymore and hated seeing me upset.

The night went on and he eventually went out - obviously to meet you know who as arranged in the texts. I ended up staying round him mums that night as I had drunk a bit too much. I kept drifting in and out of nightmares about him with this other bloke and was waking up every few minutes. It got to 4am and he still wasn't home. I couldn't take it anymore and presumed he must be staying with him. I got up and had to leave - my head was all over the place. I went back to the flat and just sat there in tears for hours.

Several things have happened since then. We have remained in contact and even went on holiday together with his family (something that was arranged months before our split). On the holiday we ended up sleeping together - I took it to mean something completely different to him and the holiday ended with me seeing emails he had sent to this other guy saying how much he missed him.

This pattern has continued now for the last month or so. Most recently he started to get in touch more often and I have seen his family quite a bit. I have of course always taken it mean more than it really does. I eventually started to get more used to not being with him but always have had bad days. I moved back to my parents which means an hour and a half journey to and from work. I have had to keep myself busy and so have been out every night not getting home before 12am just so that I don't have time to think about things. To say I have been feeling worn out is an understatement but I would rather that than feeling miserable thinking about how much I miss him.

Xmas had been on my mind for a while and to cut a long story short I was invited to his family's for Xmas. His mum also told me he had asked her to invite me out for a meal on Boxing Day so I was really pleased he wanted to see me. I bought him a fairly expensive present and for the last couple of weeks have been all smiles. However, last week he called me to tell me he did not want me to come to his family's as it just didn't feel right as we aren't together anymore. Needless to say since then I have been so upset and it all built up yesterday when I spent most of the day crying. I also to make it worse found a profile on a website for him stating his marital status as "seeing someone special". I have tried texting him since and he now doesn't even reply.

I have come to work today feeling sick and can't really eat anything. I am dreading the next couple of weeks and am totally not in the Christmas mood. My family do not know I am not going to see him now and I am currently planning to spend Xmas Day on my own round a friends house whilst they are away over Xmas.

I thought I had moved on a bit but feeling now like he doesn't want to know me at all is killing me. It feels like my heart has been ripped out and I don't have any purpose anymore. I have probably sounded dramatic in what I have written but it is honestly how I feel. I don't know how to move on or if I ever will. I care for him so much and regret so much not making more effort when it would have counted. Xmas is going to be the worst day yet I think, especially when I think he might be spending it with someone else.

I decided to post this message (sorry for the length) mainly because I needed to get things out. Any ideas or thoughts for how I can make myself feel better will be much appreciated.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.





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