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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

citygirl, i know exactly how you feel. my ex-boyfriend said the same exact thing to me: i'll never find anyone like you. now that's it's been over a year since we broke up, i can laugh about that statement, because that shouldn't have been a concern for him- clearly, he didn't WANT to find anyone like me!

our situations are similar, so let me give you the only advice i have, since i have the benefit of a year's hindsight. just let him go. i know what you mean about things being really good between you guys, but as time goes on you will gain more perspective. you are way too close to the situation right now. it took me a while, but what i finally realized is that even if i thought we were the best of friends, i couldn't be with someone who didn't want to be with me. and the thing that i am most proud of myself for now, after all is said and done, is that when he walked away the last time, i never contacted him again. i would not beg for him. he recently began another relationship, and although i was slightly upset at first, i quickly realized that she will never replace me. it may sound vain, but i was a really really good girlfriend and friend to him. as i'm sure that you were to your boyfriend. and at least i walk away with the knowledge that i gave 100% and it's his problem if he didn't want it anymore.

i absolutely promise that you will be okay. there probably is some element of stress and depression involved with his decision, but you can't try to convince him to stay with you, or save him. you are very young, and have so much great stuff ahead of you. keep as busy as possible, even when you just want to stay home and cry. that will only prolong your pain. change everything that you've ever wanted to change about your life, so that if he does come back to you, you have something to show for the time you were apart. come here and vent whenever you need to.
[QUOTE=citygirl23]Its just hard to not have hope. I agree with you all and am really trying to take your advice. When he says that his stress caused him to think that our relationship was problematic, but that he doesnt know whether this change of heart is permanent or not, it just makes me think he will realize that he made a huge mistake.
He said when your situation is bad (dental school) it paints a bleak picture for everything else, and he said he felt like he wasn't there for me before (during the summer when we had a few arguments) and that it was getting progressively worse. but it seems as though its his attitude on life now due to stress. I guess I just think- if he thought THIS relationship was bad, he is going to have a hard time finding anything better- Im sure it's wrong to think so, I just can't help but feel that way.
He already said he will never find anyone like me...
Ive thought he was depressed for multiple reasons, and lately he just keeps beating himself up, saying he's a sh**&y person and asking me if I hate him. I guess I just have so many questions and I know I cant get the answers.
I'm really trying to assume its over, I really am. It just seems so surreal. If anyone has any more words, I'm very grateful.[/QUOTE]

Of course it will take time for it to really sink in. But the things you have to consider are:

If he's stressed because of school and can't decide if he wants to be with you through hard times like dental school, what would happen if you married and one of you got really sick or the market crashed or one of you lost your work/business and suffered severe financial distress? What if you had a child who was born with a severe illness or developmental problem? What if the stress of daily life wears on for a few years, then a pretty young assistant joins his office and starts hitting on him mercilessly, making him feel attractive and young and "alive" again? Life is going to throw you both all kinds of curve balls. If his love for you isn't strong enough to handle dental school... :confused:

I am still in the process of learning that there really aren't any answers that will make you feel any better. My ex said we just weren't compatible enough, we started to argue all the time about mostly political and religious differences. He claimed his main issues were that I wasn't Catholic enough. He drew a really hard line, and constantly gave me grief about the fact that I didn't turn my nose up at divorce enough, I didn't think women with small kids who worked outside the home were awful, he insisted on only natural family planning, no artificial birth control whatsoever, was dead set against living together outside of wedlock, so I wasn't close enough to what he was looking for. I thought, just like you, he'll never find a woman who was close enough to his age to be as much on the same wave length as far as culture and all the stuff that seemed so important to him, who had never been married, never had any kids from another man, who would only practice natural family planning, etc. I was certain one day he'd realize I was the the best woman for him and he'd come back. Until the day I learned he had shacked up with and then married a fresh out-of-court divorcee with three kids, a pi$$ed off ex and tied tubes. My point is it doesn't matter what his "reasons" are or what his "answers" to all your questions would be. I still struggle with it myself. It's been almost 8 years for me and I still want to grab him by the throat and scream at him how he could lie to me, how he could use my religion, who and what I was at my heart, as lame excuses to not be with me. The bottom line is, I just gave my heart to the wrong person, and even though it felt like being blindsided at first (one week he was telling me how proud and honored he was to be my boyfriend and how I changed his life for the better and how loving me made him a better man, and one week later he was dumping me) looking back, I can see all the red flags I ignored. If I had been more experienced and less desperate, I would have ended the relaitonship myself long before he did. I can see now so clearly that he never cared about me at all. He may have thought he did at the time, but little things like, when we were at the park with his friends and a Bud Girl model walked by and he bugged his eyes out, stuck out his tongue and right in front of me and all his friends proclaimed "oh my god, where did THAT come from??!!" I took him aside afterward and told him it was rude and insulting to me for him to do that in front of me and all his friends and he got irritated with me, thinking I was being insecure and overreacting, then he was talking to relatives of a friend of his and his wife, who was his girlfriend at the time, saw him and thought he was making time with some bar chippies, and started screaming at him in front of everyone, and he just stood there and took it. Why would he treat me with such disrespect and not even care how it upset me, yet allow her to tear him a new one in front of everyone and kiss her a$$ afterward? Because he loves her in a way he never loved me. I know it hurts like no other kind of hurt to hear, but I would not be surprised if one day soon, your ex takes up with a woman you would never have expected him to be with, and see him treat her with all kinds of attentiveness and respect and caring he never showed to you. Like Minnie Driver said in Gross Pointe Blank, "if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it's broken." If he does come back to you, it will probably only be out of loneliness and fear of ending up alone. I hope in time you will see how much better off you will be without him in your life. Hang in there.

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