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Relationship Health Message Board


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So what? They're just photos. Everyone over the age of 20-something will probably have photos of their ex-boyfriend. I do. I don't remember the last time I looked at them. She can't just completely erase her past just because she is dating you. Just because she has these photos doesn't mean she wants to get back with her ex-boyfriends or that she's not serious about you. My friend is married and both her and her husband have photos of their respective ex's, but not on display and not for the purpose of looking at regularly. It's just a part of their personal history, and that's all it is.
[QUOTE=Citron] Not out of spite, but just cause I don't keep things like that.... I have seen pictures of an ex-girlfriend that a mutual friend of mine happened to have, and I looked at it once, chuckled, and moved on. He offered it to me, but I just didn't need it, so I declined. So to me, when I see girls have a lot of pics of ex-boyfriends, I just am kind of confused about the reason. Sure, I don't like them because I am insecure and don't like the thought of her needing them or hiding them or whatever, but I asked the question so that maybe a rational explanation could help me get over it.[/QUOTE]

asking this question is like asking why anyone ever keeps any pictures. i had a boyfriend once who threw photos out, and i found that sort of cold and disturbing. why would anyone even take pictures to start with if they didn't intend on preserving a memory? that's your answer- people take photos to remember. it's that simple.
Please understand Citron... I have been the target of a very insecure person. I spent years trying to prove that I was worthy and could be trusted. It was so hurtful because I gave up so much and had to compromise so much to try to get them to see that I was a good and totally devoted person.This person had nothing to base their fears on - not a single thing. I tried to help them and see that they were being silly. I pushed for marriage to try and calm those fears. But it was all in vain. He too tried not to show his insecurities... but when you are looking from the outside, no matter how hard an insecure person tries to hide it, everyone of their actions and words is like a flashing red 'insecure' sign. In the end, I gave him everything, and it was a waste of my time because he couldn't get over his own issues. And it hurt like hell because I wasted my time trying to prove that I loved him. He just couldn't accept that.

You do seem to love this girl very much, and I would hate to see it fall apart. I think it's good that you have come here for advice, but please at least consider some of the other opinions. Look at it from her point of view. Why should she suffer and have to prove something to you, when she has done nothing wrong?

Please believe me... there is nothing worse than loving someone, but not having them believe you and have to keep proving something and defend yourself all the time. It's actually alot more hurtful than most people will ever know... to think that the one you love has no faith in you, or doesn't believe you are a good person.
I guess the way this thread has helped me is that it has actually made me feel normal-- I write in on my own accord to get some help, because I KNOW that the feelings I have are irrational and potentially harmful, and I get responses saying that I am immature, stupid, unhealthy, and then even that I am one step away from telling my girlfriend what to wear and telling her not to talk to any other guys. Wow. That is a lot to assume about somebody based on the fact that I: 1) get jealous sometimes, and 2) know it is stupid and therefore go looking for help to get over it.

Stormgirl: Thanks for the headsup, I will definitely try to think more about my girlfriend's perspective and how defending herself would feel. I do not constantly hound her into defensive positions, though...

Muzicman: I'm not sure how me trying to get over what I know are irrational jealous feelings makes my relationship unhealthy. I think that partners don't have to tell each other absolutely everything all the time, i.e. what you think of as an unhealthy action (me not telling my girlfriend that I am jealous sometimes), to me seems OK-- because I am working on it myself and it does not affect our day-to-day interactions. Instead of bringing my jealous stuff up, I tell myself to move on and work through it later (by talking to friends and/or going to this board for different opinions). Why is that unhealthy?





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