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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

Nina, I am so sorry that your fiance ruined your New Year. My heart goes out to you being in such a tough situation and feeling that you are at a crossroads and facing such a large amount of uncertainty at this point in your life. However, if there is anyway that you can put off marriage for the time being, I would strongly suggest that you do so. To be honest, I think you deserve a lot better treatment than your fiance has shown you, and I also think you deserve a partner who never makes you question whether or not you want to be with him and one who has a lot less baggage. If I recall correctly, it wasn't too long ago that you were debating whether or not to stay with him at all, let alone get married, because of how he'd been acting so irresponsible with money, how his mother seemed desperate to break you guys up and get him back together with his ex, how he drinks too much and then acts like a jerk to you, how he seems unable to let go of and come to terms with his past, especially his ex, how he is mooching off you financially while splurging extravagantly on gifts for other people, and on and on and on.

I know it might sound weird to say that you might be rushing this decision about marriage considering how long you have been together, but I still think you should hold off and spend some more time seriously considering whether he is a man you want to be permanently enjoined to for the rest of your life. Marriage is very difficult as it is without having to deal with the obstacles of a meddling, would be sabotaging mother in law, major issues with his kid and ex who wants to get back with him and has his mother working with her to achieve this goal on top of dealing with a man who drinks too much and isn't at all responsible when it comes to spending and saving money. My advice would be to read through all your past posts and give yourself a good chunk of time to think through everything without having a marriage date looming and forcing you to make a decision before you are 100% certain that this is the man with whom you want to spend your life. Is there any way that you can postpone the wedding indefinitely without incurring any financial penalties or being barred from living in the UK? If so, I hope you seriously consider doing so and that you rethink whether your fiance is truly the right husband for you. I personally think you deserve better and know that sometimes it can be really tough to see that our current loves aren't the best permanent partners, but you are obviously in a much better position to determine that and only your opinion on the issue really matters in the end. Still, if you are having the kind of doubts you've expressed lately, it seems to me that it can't hurt to wait when it comes to marriage...usually getting married only magnifies existent problems in a relationship, so if you have any concerns about him whatsoever, it would probably be smart to wait and see how those issues get resolved before making a lifelong legal commitment (not to mention assuming his present and future debts and any financial obligations he may have to his ex and child). It is a lot easier to wait and get married sometime in the future should you decide that is what is truly best for you in the long run (not just what your heart and emotions are telling you is best right now) than it is to get divorced and separate yourself from him legally, financially, and emotionally should you get married and later change your mind.

Anyway, Nina, I am sorry to be negative about this, and I really hope that everything works out for the best for you. I also apologize if my own experiences with guys' scheming families have influenced my opinions about your relationship, and I really hope that I have not been overly pessimistic about your situation. I have a tendency to be overprotective and overcautious when it comes to people who I care about and who I want the best for making decisions that they might end up regretting...anyway, I only want the best for you and for you to be happy, whatever that entails, and I know that only you can know what that is. No matter what you decide, I wish you all the contentment and satisfaction in the world, and I will keep my fingers crossed that everything works out really well for you no matter how you choose to proceed with your fiance. Good luck and take care, sweetie! :)

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