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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hi there and welcome to the boards :wave:. I hope you will find it helpful to post and seek advice from us--the overwhelming majority of posters here are wonderfully caring, upbeat, and supportive people who will do everything in their power to help you feel better and cope with whatever obstacles unfortunately pop up in your life. I am so truly sorry to hear about the painful ordeal you're going through and glad that you reached out to us for support during such a difficult time...please though, whatever you do, DO NOT EVER TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE no matter what happens and no matter what the people you care about do. Nothing is worth such a permanent and drastic action--I really hope that if you are seriously considering suicide, you seek immediate help from a suicide hotline or a professional therapist/counselor/psychiatrist. No matter what is wrong, that is never a solution, OK? You sound like an extraordinarily caring and loving man who undoubtedly has a wonderful life, full of amazing relationships, ahead of him...having lost someone I loved more than I ever thought possible when I was fresh out of college, I completely understand how crushing, devastating, and earth-shattering it is to be faced with losing someone you cherish so much especially at such a young age, but I promise that you WILL get through this stronger and happier than ever if you just hang in there and take it one day at a time. I had been fortunate enough to have had several relationships before the one which broke my heart in which I was truly in love before, which in some ways may have made it easier to get through the first heartbreak I’d ever experienced, despite how horrible the pain it caused was. Since this girl is the first one you have ever truly loved, it is completely understandable that you are feeling desperate, lost, and panicked at the idea of losing her…please believe me that the way you’re reacting is totally normal and that you will be okay, and that nothing, including this (which hasn’t even been resolved one way or another yet) is worth giving up your entire future and the rest of your life over.

Okay, so as far as your situation specifically is concerned, the most important thing to realize is that when you open your heart and love someone as passionately as you love your GF, you leave yourself vulnerable to having your heart broken, which while absolutely devastating, is ultimately worth risking because of how amazing and wonderful it is to let yourself fall deeply in love. Still, that risk is very real and very dangerous—anytime we open ourselves up completely to another person, we expose ourselves to very negative as well as overwhelmingly delightful emotions because they now have the power to crush us by taking away the love which makes us so happy and on which we’ve come to depend. So you’re in a very vulnerable position, which makes the way you’re feeling all the more understandable and natural. Unfortunately, the problem with loving someone is that they have the power to break our hearts by taking away that love, and they may even withdraw their love while still loving us deeply, even if they don’t do so maliciously…but the sad truth is that there is nothing we can do to make someone love us or want to continue a relationship with us if they don’t want to do so voluntarily. I think that might even be part of what makes it so sweet and fulfilling to be deeply in love with someone, that risk that no matter what we do, no matter how much we love our partner and no matter how lovingly and wonderfully we treat them, they can still leave us alone and heartbroken at anytime, for any reason, and often seemingly for no reason at all.

As someone who has, up until the first time I had my heart broken, always been the one to end both my casual and long-term, serious relationships in the past, I think I understand where your GF is coming from and what she is trying to say to you. If it’s any consolation, I think that her leaving was inevitable, at least going from what she said in her note, and if you are with someone who feels you love them more than they love you, while it may be impossible to gain any solace from this right now, it is ultimately easier on you and better for you for them to end the relationship sooner rather than later so that they don’t unnecessarily deepen your attachment and increase the pain you’ll experience upon losing them. While having your heart broken is never easy, I think almost anyone would agree, once they have some time to reflect objectively, that they would rather be left as soon as their partner realizes the relationship is not something they want to continue indefinitely than have the end put off and be strung along, which ultimately causes more pain and resentment for the partner left behind than being left as soon as the other person realizes the relationship is effectively over does. In addition, if this is any consolation, it sounds to me like her decision has a lot more to do with her issues than it does with you doing something wrong or not being good enough…actually, it sounds like it’s quite the contrary. She clearly thinks you are a wonderful, unusually caring partner who deserves nothing less than for all the love you give to be reciprocated by the person you extend your love to. She seems to think that you love her more than she loves you, and as painful as it is to have her leave, it’s ultimately an act of love on her part to cut you loose if she just doesn’t feel the same degree of love for you as you feel for her and to grant you the freedom to someday find someone who will love you every bit as much as you love her. I’m not sure if that makes much sense, and I’m sure it’s not at all comforting at this point, but it does sound like she cares deeply for you and is trying to do the right thing that is ultimately best for each of you. Her last comment was unnecessarily blunt and mean, but all in all, it sounds like she is trying to be as honest as possible with you and give you the information you need to understand where she is coming from and why she has chosen to end this relationship.

Again, I’m extremely sorry that you have to experience the horrible pain of losing someone you obviously love so deeply, but having been through something very similar myself, I promise you that in time the pain will lessen and that eventually, you’ll love again. This woman is just not the right partner for you, no matter how strongly you feel about her, because if she was, then she would want to be with you and love you as much as you love her. She knows that this isn’t the case and therefore wants to spare either of you further pain by ending things now rather than stretching them out any further…however, I know that this fact doesn’t make you feel any better now and that it will probably take some time before you’re able to feel some comfort (or anything but devastating pain and loss) over this breakup. For what it’s worth, everything you are feeling now is totally normal and while unfortunate, you’ll ultimately be better off without a woman who doesn’t fully appreciate you and wholeheartedly want to be with you. But losing someone you love, particularly when you are a person who loves as deeply as you do and when the loss is your first love and your first heartbreak, is one of the most painful experiences humans go through, and it is going to be very difficult for awhile until you get some time and distance from this situation and your pain starts to lessen a bit. Until then, the best thing to do is not ignore or shut out your feelings—cry, yell, vent, whatever you feel the need to do, try to surround yourself with supportive people who care about you, try to maintain as normal a routine as possible and keep busy when you feel up to it, don’t put pressure on yourself toget over it” according to any arbitrary timetable, and consider seeking professional help. There is absolutely no shame in finding someone who is professionally trained to assist people through traumatic and extremely painful periods of their lives to talk with as you try to heal and move on from what is probably the biggest heartbreak you’ve yet experienced at this point in your life. My heart goes out to you—my breakup was nearly a year ago, and it wasn’t too long ago that I finally stopped crying every day and feeling completely empty to the point where my grief felt like physical pain. Posting on this board and having the support of those who had been through similar experiences really helped, as did talking about my feelings, relying on friends and family for love, companionship, and support, and not putting any unnecessary pressure on myself to do anything more than get through one day at a time. Again, I’m just so sorry for you, although I think this is ultimately for the best and was sadly inevitable…I really hope you will lean on us here at healthboards whenever you feel even the slightest need to vent, talk about your feelings, seek advice, or just have someone listen and offer support. Hang in there…it will eventually get easier, and in the meantime, just go easy on yourself, try to be as good a friend as you can to yourself, and just focus on surviving each moment of the present without dwelling on the past or future. Good luck and take care :angel:.





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