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[QUOTE=Ken-Y]I'm not really sure exactly whats going to happen. Ultimately I think she is going to say no but she hasnt told me that yet and when we have seen each other after the break up she has flirted with me on occasion to the point where others think we are still going out which leaves me in wonder because she still shows some interest. I feel also that maybe she doesnt call me as much anymore because shes unsure of me now or is just trying to think things through and doesnt want to have alot of contact with me while she does but i think maybe its just some type of reassurance for me so that I dont believe she doesnt want to get back with me. I dont really know guys, she shows interest, calls and flirts sometimes when i see her then goes a while without even calling or anything. Im not sure what to think and I dont want to keep bringing this subject up. what should i do and what do you perceive shes thinking? please help[/QUOTE]

Hi Ken,

I went back and read your old threads and posts about this girl, and I hope you don’t mind if I be completely honest and candid about my take on your situation…often times that means that I am more blunt than I should be considering what sensitive issues people discuss on these boards, but I will try my best to be tactful and just want to apologize in advance in case anything I say comes out as more harsh than I intended. I’m going to try and err on the side of honesty if it comes down to a choice between honesty and placating you. Anyway, the most obvious thing that jumped out at me is that every one of your previous posts about this relationship is almost identical, and I really don’t think that a new relationship should be so full of stress, drama, uncertainty, and pathos. You both sound pretty young and especially with young couples, the first few months of being together should be like a honeymoon, where everything seems wonderful and perfect and none of the everyday problems and annoyances that eventually plague every relationship have crept into either of your conscious perceptions yet.

But that is not at all what has taken place with this relationship, which makes me think that this has been pretty much a one-sided relationship from the very start. She just doesn’t, and never really has, seem that interested or committed to building and nurturing a relationship with you, and unfortunately, there is little that you can do to make things work out unless both partners are putting in a sincere and wholehearted effort. If one person just isn’t that into being together, the other partner can’t really do anything to change their mind about that or to make them feel more strongly than they feel on their own…I’ve had several close male friends who tried over and over to become more than friends and to develop dating relationships, but in most of these cases, I wasn’t interested in being anything more than platonic friends with the guys, and therefore no relationship ever really developed, no matter how hard they tried to make things work and create a romantic bond between us. It just doesn’t work unless both people are equally determined to form and sustain a committed romantic relationship and unless both people feel genuinely attracted to the other person as a sexual and romantic partner…if either of these conditions aren’t present, there is little that can be done to force a relationship to arise out of such a situation no matter how much one partner might want to do so.

I think that your situation, unfortunately Ken, is a pretty clear cut case of one half of a would-be romantic partnership not being genuinely interested in and committed to building a relationship. I’m sorry to be so blunt here, but if this girl really wanted to be your girlfriend and be part of a relationship with you, she would be making a lot more heartfelt and consistent, and a lot less half-hearted and listless, effort to develop and then sustain such a partnership. You have been extraordinarily patient, understanding, and creative in your attempts to change her mind and build a relationship with her despite her not fully cooperating and working in tandem with you toward a common goal, but there is only so much you can do if she’s not into it, and I think you have exhausted your options at this point. You have a tremendous amount of love and care to offer a girlfriend, and you deserve a great girl who you feel passion for who reciprocates your affection and interest…for whatever reason, the girl that you are currently focused on is not going to be that girl, because she doesn’t feel as strongly or as romantically toward you as you feel toward her.

Some of your posts in which you acknowledged that you were not getting nearly the same amount of effort and devotion from her compared to what you were putting into your efforts to develop a relationship and that therefore for the sake of your emotional well-being, you needed to move on and find a girlfriend who wants to be with you every bit as much as you want to be with her. It is only causing you to feel negative emotions about yourself, this girl, and likely also about women and dating in general, for you to continue to attempt to pursue a relationship with someone who isn’t reciprocating your efforts. This girl has made it pretty consistently clear that she’s just not that into being with you, and while I’m really sorry that is the case because you obviously care about her a great deal, it’s ultimately not doing you any good and could in fact be unnecessarily prolonging your unhappiness, angst, and stress not to give up on her and move on without looking back or giving her any more chances the way you have following your previous decisions to let her go. This time you really need to stick to that resolution firmly and probably cut off all communication with her at least for the time being to give yourself a chance to emotionally detach from her and begin the process of healing following a failed relationship, which is always challenging and difficult but can become especially tough when we hold out hope of reconciling and/or remain in contact with the ex we are trying to move past and therefore make it a lot more difficult to let go and get on with our lives without exes playing any part in our futures.

Anyway, I apologize for taking so long to make what essentially boils down to a quite simple argument, but I hope that this post makes sense and is at least somewhat helpful to you. I’m sorry that I don’t have a more upbeat perspective to offer you, but I just don’t see anyway for you to continue a relationship or even a friendship with this girl and not have it negatively affect you and continue to cause entirely too much unhappiness and confusion in your life. I know it is really tough to let go permanently of someone we care so much for, especially when that person is our first serious boyfriend or girlfriend, but sometimes such difficult decisions are necessary in order to protect our own emotional best interests and to ensure that we are free and emotionally available when a suitable partner finally does show up in our lives. Please don’t ever second guess yourself or feel like this girl not wanting a relationship was your fault or because of anything you did wrong—it’s pretty clear that she’s struggling with way too many of her own issues to devote the kind of energy and attention to a new relationship as one deserves and needs in order to thrive. So you need to resolve that you deserve better and that you refuse to settle for a woman who doesn’t reciprocate your depth of feelings for her and your level of commitment to building a serious, long-term relationship with her. You deserve nothing less than a woman who loves you and wants you just as much as you want her, and I hope that in the future you will hold out for that kind of woman and not cause yourself unnecessary angst or pain by getting involved with anyone who doesn’t meet that standard. Please take care and good luck, and remember that the way you are feeling is completely natural and understandable, that your pain will lessen in time, and that you will eventually find the kind of love that makes all previous experiences seem dwarfed in comparison…for now, just hang in there, try to be strong and refrain from contacting this girl, and try to get through one day at a time, without hesitating to lean on your friends here whenever you need support or advice. For now though, you need to accept that this isn’t going to work out, that it needs to be over for the sake of your emotional well-being, and that you deserve better…and I have a feeling it won’t be too long before you find someone who loves you as much as you love her. Good luck Ken!

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