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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

You guys will be ok---a little scarred and a little more cautious, but OK--I promise. I thought I would never be ok again when my husband of 12 years left our home. We have two children, and own a home together, and I had no income, so believe me it was scary!!

The other woman thing makes you absolutely crazy for a while. The obsessive thoughts, the not sleeping or eating will last for a while and are not easy, but it does get better. I lost a lot of weight and even passed out in the gas man's arms when that was the last thing to be cut off in my home. All my neighbors saw and it was very embarrassing to say the least!

I really wished I would die for a time, honestly, I did. It would have been easier thatn the pain I felt, I thought at the time. Nothing has ever hurt so bad. I was a shell of a person--broke down in front of everyone, and literally vomited everytime I thought of him with the other woman. Felt like my eyeballs were gonna fly out of my head due to dry heaving, had to go on sleeping pills because if I was anymore sleep deprived I was in fear of getting in a car accident with my kids.

About two months later, (sorry to say it was a whole two months, but it was...)I suddenly realized, "what in the heck am I doing??" I was crying for what should have been, not what was. I took a long hard look at my life and how much I had lost myself in being a wife, giving to him, our marriage and our relationship. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had forgotten what I even liked to do.

I started making a list of things I had always wanted to do, but couldn't (or chose not to really) They were small and they were huge. I started seeing a therapist. I gutted everything that was his, or his and mine together. I tore down curtains and scrubbed walls and got a new bed. I went out and made new friends as if I was a child again. It was almost as if I was 5 and said, "Do you wanna be my friend??" But people responded and gave me their phone numbers and email addresses. I reconnected with all my old friends and we went out on the weekends when my kids were away.

I joined a gym and worked out HARD. That is a biggy!!! I started tanning for a little color and light therapy, HA HA. Before long, I was really, really happy and wouldn't have taken him back if he were the last human on the planet. I have discovered so many things about myself I never even knew before, and I know now I have a lot to offer anyone, but am still very guarded when it comes to love and think I will be for a long time. It's just one of the scars we bear.

Every day get up and get in a quiet place for just a few minutes. Self talk that you are a great person, you are worth the world and nothing less, that you are ok, right where you are, and that life is a journey. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to cry and feel it, b/c staying busy works for a time, but it only delays the pain. I believe you have to wallow and get cried out, then pull up your socks, find yourself, and find a hot rebound guy to set your head right!! HA HA.....did that too.

Now, I am going out with a young, hot, nice guy. He worships the ground I walk on--and we need to be worshiped after this kind of thing!!! My kids are happy and well adjusted, and I am working and starting my own business. I have tons of friends, an active social life, and I let NO ONE around me that isn't a positive influence to me spiritually. Life's too short not to be happy, is my new mantra. You'll get there, I promise. It just sucks for a while. Wanted to assure tho, it does go away, and you will honestly be better for it!!!!
Hi ladies! :)

You are both so strong and doing so much better than you're giving yourselves credit for! I'm very impressed with your resiliance, and I hope you will both have faith and trust us who have been through this before when we assure you that in time, you will get over this and things will get easier and less painful each day, albeit gradually. Those awful moments are unavoidable when things are still fresh, and my advice is not to fight it when you get an overwhelming feeling of devastation and just need to break down and sob inconsolably. I remember those waves of intense sadness all too well and still get them occasionally, as my ex and I shared a very unusual and strangely close connection and always treated each other with kindness, respect, and friendship. I haven't been able to talk to him over the last six months or so because it was too painful, but the sweet things he does occasionally and how consistently good to me he's been absolutely melt my heart, and thus break it all over again. So it's not an easy or quick process to get over someone you truly cherish, nor do you necessarily stop loving them, but the pain does diminish, and time does heal all wounds at least to a certain extent.

Anyway, I just wanted to remind you both that you are wonderful, amazing women who deserve nothing less than the most special guys out there who absolutely worship you and have every single quality you want in your life partners...these guys have a way of popping up when we least expect them, and even if not all our relatoinships were meant to last, that doesn't mean we aren't ultimately wiser, tougher, and more understanding people for going through each relationship that doesn't last. It takes a lot of distance and perspective to see how we're enriched by our failed relationships, but it's important to remember (even if you're a devout atheist like me) that everything really does happen for a reason, that everything has its season, that all things pass in time, and that things have a way of working out for the best in a way often unimaginable until it someday becomes crystal clear. Pain and heartbreak are rough, but you have already made it through the worst days of these hellish ordeals, and I have complete faith that you will make it through the coming days which will get progressively easier and happier :). Please also remember that loss is an important, inescapable part of life that makes us appreciate love and happiness so much when we're lucky enough to experience these things, and even though it usually hurts, change ends up being in our best interest.

I just know that as hard as they are right now, all these breakups are ultimately for the best, as all the women who have posted here feeling heartbroken deserve a man who will treat them better and show them far more loyalty than any man who would even consider breaking up with the woman he loves. What you are going through now is definitely something you need to experience, and while it's grueling and miserable, it is in your best interest and will make you smarter and tougher in the end--I never knew what people meant when they said "whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger" until my ex broke my heart for the first and only time. And I bet the first time is always the worst and the we know that to love fully and without reservation can be as painful as it is wonderfully gratifying, and that it's therefore worth the effort. I think I'll fall in love again, and while I felt like I could never trust or love again as completely as I did with my ex for a long time after he left, now I think that the experience makes me appreciate the good times in a love affair more than I ever did before, so who knows? It's always wise to keep an open mind and an open heart, though not always possible...sometimes we need to build a shield around our hearts to allow them to heal, and the time we spend mourning and moving on as single women are often some of the most formative and important experiences of our lives.

I thought I knew everything about love when I was with my ex, having had relationships with at least a dozen men, having tons of dating experience, and having loved three other men very intensely, though not on the same very private, intimate, and intense level that my ex and I achieved...I couldn't imagine life without him or either of us ever loving anyone else more. Maybe we loved each other too much, I don't know, but I am so much wiser now than I was when I'd never been hurt by love or had a broken heart. In time, I've even come to see that my ex wasn't the right person for me to spend my whole life loving, because the timing and external circumstances just weren't right. The main reason I know this is because we aren't together anymore, and I just know that the man for me would never, ever, leave me, no matter what we had to endure, and my ex and I definitely experienced a harsh trial by fire. I really think it's that simple, and that love and life has a way of ushering us blindly along a path that ends up being full of wonderful surprises, twists, and turns that we can't anticipate but that end up being far more fulfilling than anything we thought we wanted and envisioned as the pinnacle of happiness at any one time. But no matter what, I know that we all deserve to be loved, cherished, respected, and admired by those for whom we open our hearts. I also know that everything happens for a reason and works out for the best in the end, no matter how bleak and hopeless things seem sometimes, and believe me, I've had some dark times since losing the love of my life and developing a nightmarish chronic pain problem. But we only get one life, and we need to experience as much passion as we can, even when it's in a negative form, as that's what makes love and happiness so gratifying and sweet. Hang in there ladies, as nothing lasts forever, and this too shall pass, paving the way for a happy and peaceful future period into which you'll emerge wiser and stronger after these ordeals, and clearing the way for the right partners to pop into your lives when you least expect, but also when the timing is just right :). I can't wait for you guys to start feeling a little better, when those first pangs of happiness start to come back...please trust that it won't be too long!
Hey everyone!
So sorry I was MIA, a friend in my program had invited me to go away for the weekend skiing! I think she was trying to 'get me out' (she has a sister who went through almost the same thing as I am going through, except its 2 years later and her sister is STILL crying over her ex. I dont want to be that way!)
Anyway, I have been trying to catch up on all the posts, and thank you all for checking in on me! It is so nice to come home to that :)
VM, your post back a little ways really gave me that pep talk I have to hear every so often when I get down. You're absolutely right. And yes, I am 23, I am young, and I most likely have lots of time ahead of me and shouldnt settle down until Im near-30 or so. However, I really thought I was ready to settle down and marry this guy. I just knew. Its hard to shake that...although, his true colors came out and Im glad that didnt happen, if this is who he really is! It hurts me to think he had been planning to be without me earlier than he ever let on, after he said he 'didn't give it much thought' when I asked him how long he was planning this break-up. I could punch him. So, I realize theres nothing I can do, and while he is off being happy and thinking hes great with this 'friend'/'girl' of his, I know its just to build up his own ego after he hurt me so much. Makes him feel like a good person again...ugh.
Nina, thanks for checking in, too. Im sorry to hear you were having a rough time. Trust me, I know how it goes with drinking too much wine...that is how the origin of this post came about for me, anyway! I don't know if you're still feeling that way, so I'll let u update before I go into a spiel to cheer you up, if it is outdated news...
Theres not much new with me other than still thinking of him and being depressed here and there, although I did have a great weekend. I kept thinking...ok, so yes, he is in the city still having a great time I'm sure (with whoever...don't want to know...), but I'm up here in VT learning how to ski!! I'm awesome!!! Haha (I did pretty well, too!) And i was having a great time with people and thinking...I can just be myself, and not worry about my boyfriend and how he is not giving me his time! Its always bittersweet, my thoughts, but those happy ones are always nice!
The other thing I noticed is my friend's relationship with her boyfriend (he planned the trip). Now, they have a rare relationship in that they were childhood friends and have been together for 8 years. This guy PAMPERS her and they take such good care of each other. He even took care of us girls (as her friends). He surprised us with glasses of wine on a tray, held towels out for us to snuggle into when we got out of the hot tub (in the 20 degree weather), carried our bags/skiis/whatever for us, and was just great. And I thought, my ex would have NEVER done this, let alone even give up his time to take a weekend away with me after dental school started! And her boyfriend is not very attractive, but it goes to show just how that stuff shouldnt matter to me...I am still hung up on my ex's good looks and how I won't find anyone that I am as attracted to as I was him (is that really shallow?). It made me realize that I deserve so much better than what I was getting from my ex (and my friend is one of the sweetest people ever, so they definitely deserve each other!)
Anyway, I am still having my moments, but Im hanging in there. I really appreciate all of the kind words, the encouragements, etc etc. I do plan to take revenge with my success! I am definitely going to be successful and I know I am worthy of someone that would never lie to me and disrespect me in the way my ex did. Im sure I will need reminders of that from time to time from you guys ;)
The psychologist is really helping, too. I recommend seeing someone for anyone going through a traumatic break-up. She gives interesting and different insight...for example, the other day I asked her- how can someone change so much so quickly as he did? And she mentioned how it might not have been HIM changing, but ME changing, in the way that I started pointing out how he was taking me for granted and I wanst going to put up with it. She said it might have been ME who changed, and he didnt want to deal with the change as it meant more effort and some sacrifice on his part. I thought that was interesting...
Well, Im here now, so I will keep posting! Thanks for all of your thoughts, again.

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